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I feel happy, I'm really proud of the progress Rye and I are making together. There are still some things that need to be "fixed" but I'm happy.
Rye went back to school three days ago and I can start over tomorrow. Honestly, I can't wait to start over. I'm not sure how I will deal with the situation because there will be people who will talk more than they should, but I sincerely feel the need to get back in touch with the world of school.
To be honest, I'm almost happy to do the therapy , it's helping me and not admitting it would be stupid.
In the end what I've always needed is someone to talk to. Rye has certainly helped me with everything, but professional help is really helpful.
These days I started looking for work, I think it can help me a lot also for the obsessive compulsive disorder that has started to develop in me. I admit, I'm not ashamed of having an onset of OCD. Again the therapy is helping me. The psychologist has decided to have two sessions a week, one in which Rye and I both talk about what we have been through, and one in which she helps me with my ailment. I could decide whether to have Rye stay with me or not during the second session, and I decided I want him by my side. I made him go through everything and more with my ailment and in any case having him by my side helps me. He doesn't say anything, he just sits on the sofa, next to me, and if he is asked he speaks otherwise he helps me only with his presence.
Looking for work, as well as studying, going for walks with Biscuit, shopping and whatever can keep me busy helps me. It's not easy to see things that are out of place or dirty because my brain is constantly telling me "Clean up!" or "Sort it out!" and it's so frustrating but I don't want to agree with my brain, I can't make it win. Making it win would makes my situation worse and I don't want to because it would be a thousand times worse. If I let OCD overcome then I ruin my present and my future. I know that Rye loves me, what he feels for me is as strong as mine is for him and yet there is always the possibility that this could ruin our relationship. And I can't let the most beautiful thing, I have, be destroyed for the umpteenth time, I can't and I don't want to. If I have the tools to avoid this then fuck my instincts and my need to see things perfectly tidy and clean.
When I found out what was happening to me, the last bits of me that fell to the ground shattered even more.
Not having my cell phone anymore I had to go to the library to find something about it and what I read caused my bits to shatter completely.
"The presence of obsessions and compulsions leads to marked suffering, compromises the normal social and working functioning of the person"
And then I also found entire chapters that talked about people who had had abortions or had lost their children to infections and who, as a result, became control and clean freaks. I didn't want and don't want to become like them, but not because I have something against them, but because I don't want to be affected by something so terrifying.
