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Years ago I was told that perfection doesn't exist. You can't look for it but you can get close to it. A second time I was told that it is stupid to think that perfection can exist because it is something purely subjective. "Perfection doesn't exist Ryan, stop it..." God only knows how many times I've been told such a thing, yet I knew it couldn't be like that.
Getting to know him made me realise how all these people had only told me great bullshit.
His hair, a mixture of light brown and dark blond, is where my fingers are sinking right now, its softness welcomes them and its scent fills them. It's a wonderful feeling, I don't know what words to use honestly.
"You're so beautiful" I whisper, losing myself in his beauty without any intention of giving up.
Watching him sleep, strange as it may seem, has always been something I simply love. The first few times it was unusual to sleep with someone I really loved and I felt a different and new feeling inside me, that feeling you get when something in your life has changed. Seeing him sleep soundly meant a lot after his sleepless nights because of his father. Now it's a whole other thing, perhaps because I know that he is mine as I am his, then, although it was already like this, it was not "official".
"You're staring at me" it's his voice, low and thick with sleep, to bring me to reality. A big, sweet smile slowly arises on his lips.
"Good morning my love"
"Good morning to you too"
"How did you sleep?"
"Good..."
"But..."
"I want to sleep again," he replies in his baby voice, putting himself on his side and taking both of my arms to wrap them around his waist. I nod, not saying a word as his sweet scent invades me. "I feel like I'm going to have a contraction"
"How can you feel such a thing?"
"It's just a feeling," he replies, lightly squeezing my hands. When the contraction really comes, his stomach stiffens and his feeling turns out to be correct once again. "Caresses, please" he almost begs me and I execute instantly, knowing how important caresses are in moments like this one. The effect of a simple gesture like this on him and on our babies is immediately noticeable.
I feel his body relax completely against mine, in my arms and thanks to my caresses. Knowing that you have this effect is something wonderful.
During the first pregnancy I felt a bit useless because I didn't know what to do and what I was doing always seemed too little. He did all the work and despite it being the first time he was very good. Over time I understood, he made me understand, really my importance in the pregnancy that was essential for him.
***
When I was a child, my dad used to compare me to the children of his colleagues and this also partly gave rise to the idea that having a gay child was abominable. I had to be like everyone else: thin, straight hair, always smiling, good at school and above all a football lover. To love this sport meant to be like all other children and that was exactly what I was meant to be. When I realised I didn't belong to any of these categories, I realised I was a failure for my dad, my hero. I had to do something about it and that's where my hair got straight, my smile got up, and my love of music was replaced by football. Becoming someone I wasn't, forced me to live, day in and day out, in a body that simply didn't feel mine. When I was with Amelia I was also unhappy about this. She used to tell me that she loved my body and that never in life would I have to change it, more abs would be perfect, though. When I heard her say these words I was just dying inside. I wanted to please others more than myself.
