Her Voice / han sanghyuk (#14)

Episode 28

Jooeun

I felt that my heart is bursting when I gave him that note, I had spent a lot of time trying to write that down without anyone noticing, especially with DongMi looking around, I can't do anything with her around. Hakyeon sunbaenim as well, he has no idea that I have a crush on Han Sanghyuk and he wouldn't be very pleased, he doesn't really like Han Sanghyuk to begin with. They are like opposites of the spectrum, Hakyeon sunbaenim is always that kind to other people and will not hesitate to lend a helping hand to even though sometimes he doesn't really want to. Sanghyuk on the other hand, chooses to help people his own way if he doesn't feel like it, he will tell them straight away and not force himself to do things that he will not find happy to help, that is the differences between these two people.

I walked down the street with Sanghyuk leading to the café that I wanted to go just because I wanted to be alone with him, my heart was pounding hard with every step that I take, with every second that I stare at him. I simply feel like I can't function normally with him around, maybe I shouldn't have suggested that we go to a café alone?

Sanghyuk is not saying anything but only keeping his eyes in front and not looking back at me, his ears a fiery red colour. Is he blushing? I heard that some people don't get flushed cheeks when they are embarrassing, they look pretty normal without any hint of embarrassment on their faces but the ears say otherwise. He looks cute with his red ears that are contrasting his entire face, how can he look so cute like that? He suddenly turned his head around and I barely have any time to pretend that I was not staring at him intently, I was just staring into space and it was in his direction by coincidence. "What would you like to have?"

My mind froze over the question as I have never thought of it, actually, I have lied, I didn't like coffee at all, I only suggested the café because I wanted to spend some time with him alone and the café seemed like a cool place to hang out at. What do girls normally have for their coffee?

I looked towards my right and there was a chalkboard outside the café that we are going to, I immediately pointed to the coffee that they were promoting for the week. "Iced Americano? You didn't seem like the type to like coffee of that sort, it is going to taste really bitter and I hate iced Americano."

And that is going to keep me awake for the rest of the night. I shook my head, pointing below the iced Americano. 'Matcha Latte'. I mouthed it to him and he nodded, feeling more relieved. It doesn't have any caffeine content in there, right?

We got inside the café and he ordered for the both of us like what I have asked him to, it is disadvantageous to me who can't communicate to people the normal way, people would laugh at me and judge me if I were to use sign language. I would order on my own if I was brave enough but I am not at that level yet, I still needed someone to help me for now until I am able to order things on my own without feeling bad.

He came back to me with a receipt and I have taken a seat at one of the tables, he sat down and used his phone, as usual, looking at some videos on the internet and silently laughing to himself from time to time. A sudden realization came to my mind, what would happen between the two of us if we were to date each other?

It would be cute of me to date one another but not much people would like it, people will not think good about us. He is a normal person while I am a deaf person, there is no way of communicating with each other normally unless I learn how to speak and he learns sign language. For now, it is still okay to use notes and words to converse to each other but it is a matter of time before he would actually get bored of it and we will start to get unhappy and soon, there is no hope for the two of us.

He would be happier with someone who he can speak to normally and not having to wait for me to tell him through words, he will enjoy telling jokes to someone who can understand and reply in real-time, not like me who has to tell him how I feel about the joke seconds later after I showed him the note.

The two of us will only be suffering if we are to date each other, nothing will go right for us. Why am I still wishing that he will like me? He deserves someone better than me, someone, who can actually speak, someone who can hear him without having to wear hearing aids, someone who can laugh at his jokes and someone who can actually make a conversation with him verbally without having to write down notes about what I am going to say. "Jooeun, are you okay?" He asked me, he has put his phone down and is back with the beverages. "You seemed down."

I am dreaming, he will not be mine... I shook my head and he handed me my drink, I took a sip of it. "Is it nice?"

Stop being so nice to me, you won't be happy in the long run. I stood up from my seat and I walked out of the café with him following me right behind. "JooEun! Wait for me!"

He won't be happy with me, he will be sad with me... I stopped and I turned around, tears now streaming down my cheeks. He grabbed me by the shoulders and looked at me with great concern. "Jooeun, are you seriously okay? You're crying!"

I'm so useless, I can't even tell him why I was crying... I opened my mouth in an attempt to speak but nothing came out, it is expected because I can't speak, I have never spoken in my life because I couldn't hear what I was speaking either. "Jooeun?"

"I... I..." His eyes doubled in size as he heard me spoke, I was shocked as well, disgusted at the sound that is coming from my throat. "Hate... You..." I ran away from him, I can't face him anymore. I just told him that I hated him which is not true at all, I don't want him to like him. Please hate me...