Her Voice / han sanghyuk (#14)

Episode 36

Sanghyuk

I leaned against the door, my right ear against it as I listened to everything that is behind the door, I have been waiting for everything to settle outside and there is no one outside and I would then make my way outside.

It has been hours since I have been awake and barely touched my lunch that Jooeun gave it to me earlier and it has become cold and unappealing at all, I had spent too much time crying that I totally forgot that I needed to eat in order to survive. My mind was filled with all of those negative feelings for as long as I can remember and I can't allow myself to think that I needed to think about myself as well, that I hadn't been taking care of myself at all.

Ever since my grandmother passed away 3 days ago and there was her funeral that we held for the same amount of days, I have not taken a sip of water nor taken a single bite of food at all, I wasn't in the right mind to even think about all of this and my only thoughts were to only mourn my grandmother and be there to send her off to the underworld, the place where she would spend her afterlife there with the people that have been waiting for her to join them. I am sure that she would cope well there, considering how much she took care of me and my older sister for the past decade until she passed away.

She would also want me to be strong for myself as well, to be able to stand up for myself in times of trouble and to be able to take care of myself without anyone's help but it is tough doing all that when you expect it through least, I am not okay with doing things on my own and I definitely needed someone to take care of myself until I regain back my mentality and physical strength, I am not in the right condition to be doing this on my own.

My stomach growled once again and I groaned annoyingly, although it is a little weaker than usual. Can't it stop growling for once? I know that I haven't been eating anything for the past few days but it shouldn't growl so much, and I hate the fact that we have to eat whenever we are hungry or we would die of hunger.

I let out a sigh and I continued to listen for the sounds until I heard the door to my older sister's room was closed shut, she has already retreated back to her room for the night and she needed a lot of rest in order to show up for work in a good mood. Or she might be crying her heart out as well, just like what I have done for the past few days.

She might look tough from the outside and she always gives you that assurance that she would do just fine but she is still my older sister and she is very emotional like me as well, she cries a lot watching emotional movies and she has a soft spot for animals and babies. She might think that she is okay with it but she isn't, no one can move on with their life so easily after losing a family member, especially the one that has been taking care of you for the longest time.

I thought that it was weird of her to not shed a tear when she received the news that our grandmother was in trouble and later during her passing and the funeral as well, she was bad and she didn't cry at all. It was as if her heart had turned into stone and she is unable to feel any emotions but I know that she is trying to be strong for me so that I will be able to get over my emotions losing my grandmother and moving onto the next part of my life as fast as possible. She wouldn't want me to linger onto the past for too long, it would be bad to me and I might develop depression as well. She is indeed a caring older sister to me despite her being mean to me most of the time, it is just her way of loving someone.

I got out of my bedroom and I sneaked off to the kitchen, she might hear my footsteps if I were to walk normally and she has sensitive hearing, anything would wake her up very easily and I don't want that to happen. I opened the door of the refrigerator slowly but steadily, and I looked at the contents of the refrigerator.

There is nothing much in the refrigerator except for a lunchbox at the bottom left shelf with a note on it, I took it out and I closed the door of the refrigerator gently once again. I set the lunchbox on the kitchen counter and I took a look at it before tears flooded my vision from seeing anything, my older sister had left a note for me to eat the food that is in the lunchbox and she told me to be happy and move on with my life.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around slowly, I almost passed out due to the shock and also because that I haven't had anything at all. "You have finally come out of your room. Want me to heat it up for you?"

I immediately threw my hands around my sister's neck and I cried on her shoulder. "Noona, thank you... I really thank you for being my sister, thanks a lot for being there for me."

She patted my back as she hugged me. "Why with the sudden confession? You don't even like me and you wouldn't even hug me like this, what has gotten into you?"

I said nothing to that and I continued to cry with her until a few minutes ago when those tears have dried up and I wiped all of those tears away. She has stopped crying as well, she is now heating up the food in the microwave and I waited for her as I sat down in my usual seat at the dining table. She placed the food in front of me and I immediately wolfed everything down my throat, ignoring how it would scald my tongue and burn my throat, I was too hungry to even think about it.

"You know that you can always depend on me from now on, I will be the father and mother that you have always wanted, the grandmother that is there for you." She told me while blowing her nose at the same time.

"Thanks, Noona..." I gave her a weak smile and I suddenly thought of Jooeun. "Did Jooeun spent the whole afternoon here?"

She nodded. "She has been here almost every day since grandmother passed on and she always prepared meals for you to eat, the lunchbox that you are eating right now is prepared by her, she wanted to cook it for you personally." I smiled as I thought of Jooeun.

Thanks for taking care of me even though I might not appreciate it that much... And I might have to depend on you for quite a while...