Her Voice / han sanghyuk (#14)

Episode 30

Jooeun

I buried my face into my pillow as I laid down in bed while kicking my legs furiously, regretting everything that I have done this afternoon and I wished that I hadn't wanted to leave at that moment. I am such an idiot, why did I even do that?

I could've just pretended that I wasn't thinking of anything and I wouldn't have to run all the way back home because I regretted what I said to him which was a miracle, I have never spoken and this is the first time that I ever made an actual sound rather than just gasping for air every single time I try to speak. And the first sentence that I have ever uttered is the first sentence that will hurt Sanghyuk, I said that I hated him which is not true at all, I definitely don't hate him at all and I have a crush on him which only Yang DongMi knows about it.

"Stop whining! You have been doing that ever since we got home and that is not going to change anything about what you had said to him." DongMi sat down on my bed. "But why did you even say that to him?"

I sat up straight with my legs crossed. 'I don't know why but I have already hurt him.'

"So, you said to him that you hated him and you..." She paused for a short second, her eyes instantly doubled in size. "What? You actually spoke? How? You couldn't speak and you did?"

I shrugged my shoulders. 'Well, I am technically deaf but I was never mute, I still can make sounds but I never learn how to speak as I learnt sign language, there was no need for me to learn how to speak because I couldn't hear in the first place. Today was the very first time I ever spoke in my entire life.'

She slowly nodded, still not accepting the fact that I can actually speak other than knowing how to use sign language as my main language to communicate with the rest of the world, it is a surprise to me as well but it is not the main point here, the main point is to solve the problem between me and Sanghyuk. How will he treat me the next time that I see him? Will he start to hate me?

I mean that he already hated me from the beginning but we became friends in the process and now it went back to square one, nothing really changed between the two of us. "I'm sure that he knows that you don't mean it, he is your best friend after all."

I let out a huge sigh. 'But he doesn't know that I have a huge crush on him and that is going to make us awkward even further, and I don't want that to happen. I don't want him to hate me, do you know what I mean?'

She nodded. "I know what you mean but I know that he will run to your house even if you close your door in his face, I know that he will."

I raised an eyebrow at her reply. What is she implying? 'What do you mean?'

"You may think that I dislike Han Sanghyuk a lot but I have a reason to do that, I was doing all of that to test him if he will dislike you once he gets pestered by a clingy female that never leaves her best friend." I looked at her even more and she just sighed. "He is like you, Jooeun. He likes you the same as you like him, Choi Jooeun."

What? He does? "He really does like you a lot, Jooeun. He wouldn't do so much for just a female friend, I know it from the first time that I met him at the hospital, he looked as if he was going to collapse soon and he looked so hectic, I knew that he had the feelings for you as soon as I hear him speak."

Why would he like someone like me? I am deaf, I am already flawed from the start and no one would want to be with someone like me. They wouldn't want to spend their lives loving someone whom they have difficulty communicating to, he would have to take up sign language if he were to date me, his life will be very difficult if he dates me.

'There is no reason why he likes me, there is no way that he likes me. It is impossible between the two of us.' I told her.

DongMi had the biggest reaction to it and she gave me the stern look. "Are you serious, Jooeun? Are you telling that you are not going to even try? There is a chance and you don't want to take it, are you out of your mind?" I am indeed crazy, I have never dated anyone before and I am afraid of dating anyone, I'm afraid of breaking up and everything that comes after that. I am scared of all the things that I have to bear when dating someone, especially when I am someone with a hearing disability.

People in school are definitely going to mock Sanghyuk and it is all because of me, because he dated someone who is not a normal healthy person, he is dating someone of a handicap and that is humiliating.

"In love, all of that doesn't matter at all. When you love someone that much, you wouldn't even care about all of that already, because you know how much you love that person. Who cares if you have a disability? You are just a human who has the right to love anyone they wanted and I'm sure that Sanghyuk would do the same if I were to tell him that you have a huge crush on him, he will not hesitate one second and come to your house right away. He might be a little clueless about the situation that he is in but he will know if you guide him the way, if you tell him straight to his face."

I think that I might do just that... I ran out of my room after giving my best friend a hug of encouragement, that gave me enough motivation and confidence to confess to the guy that I liked.