21 Jump Street (Tom Hanson)

Christmas '95

Mickey's POV
Christmas Eve 1995

The smell of cookies that I made earlier wafted in the air, making our house smell like a bakery at the North Pole. Christmas has been in the air since November, which has never alleviated any stress.

Tom and I decorated our house right after Thanksgiving. We had colorful bulbs around the gutters, and lots of decorations inside. Every year we get a little more, which adds to our collection. We made chocolate chip cookies from scratch with our kids for Santa that sat on a plate on the coffee table next to our fireplace. Our stockings were all hung over the fireplace, carefully placed so the fabric wouldn't catch on fire. Tom's grandma knit me my own stocking a few years ago after I told her that I misplaced the only other one I had—from Jenko—and I've used it ever since.

I was tired from running around these past few weeks, trying to make Christmas perfect. I've been shopping, baking, cleaning... no wonder why Christmas is the most stressful time of the year, but we were finally done. It was Christmas Eve, and all the pressures of the holidays floated away like the soft snowflakes that fell outside the window. The fireplace was burning bright, crackling and shining softly on me and Tom.

We spent the evening walking around our beautiful neighborhood, hand in hand, admiring the lights of our neighbors. Everyone in the neighborhood always goes all out for the holidays, and our street has become famous for its Christmas lights. Seeing all those smiling faces as Jack Frost nibbles their noses was heartwarming, but the only one I loved was Tom. I don't need mistletoe to give my husband a kiss.

The kids were already sleep upstairs in their beds, waiting for Santa to come. They had tired themselves out by playing outside all day in the snow. I could remember watching them from the kitchen window. I had a warm mug in my hands, and Tom's arms were wrapped around me as he watched them too. They were like little angels. Our little angels.

Dancing on front of the tree while Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Frank Sinatra played softly around us reminded me of all the good things that the season brings. This was my dream life. Everything I've ever wanted for my family was here and I was living it.

Once the song ended, we sat on the couch. I snuggled into Tom, both of us held a mug of hot chocolate as the lights on our freshly cut tree twinkled in the dark. Decorations of red on our green Christmas tree provided a sense of comfort. The warmth of his heart was holding me tight as we admired our life. All the hardships we endured were worth it. We made it.

Presents were already set underneath the tree, but Santa had yet to arrive. These holidays go by fast, so Tom and I promised to take it slow. I could not wait to spend another Christmas with him. We have more than I could have ever hoped for. I'll cherish all these simple things, because that's Christmas to me.

This was the perfect end to a crazy day. I set my empty mug between the nook of my knees to keep it from falling as I drifted off to sleep in Tom's arms. His fingers ran through my hair gently before resting on my back. I could feel the chaos melt away.

Tom's peaceful breathing was like a lullaby to me, but I knew he was waiting for me to fall asleep so he could move me into our bed without disrupting me. He always liked to keep the illusion of Santa alive by keeping me out of the loop. But the only gift I need is my family. Years to come, I'll always know of the love that Christmas brought to our beautiful family.

I thought that my imagination would subdue with age, but it is still always playing tricks on me. I woke up and looked at the ceiling. My dream felt so real, I was expecting Tom to be in bed next to me. I looked around my empty bedroom, seeing I was still in my apartment. I woke up cold and alone.

It's been many long years since I have seen him, and I still think about him all the time. In every little dream I dream of him, I can smell his cologne of a warm spice and sweet powdery woods. All the miles that separate us disappear when I'm dreaming of his face. Mistletoe, holly leaves and Christmas trees used to mean so much to me. But now, they really didn't mean a thing when Tom isn't here. I truly was living in the past. I almost wished I never woke back up, because in my dreams I finally found him again. It was just another year that Tom couldn't make it home.

I knew that my Christmas would be blue without Tom, there were too many miles between us. Even though he left, his family still invites me to spend the holidays with them. Every year we hope that Tom will walk through that door, but we know deep down that it will never happen. The best we can get with him is the occasional long distance phone call. But he always calls me on my birthday. He has never missed it.

I checked my alarm clock and saw that it was only a couple hours after midnight. My mouth ran dry, so I got up to get myself a cup of water. I looked toward my green Christmas tree with red decorations, which no longer seemed comforting. It seemed cold and forced. I noticed out the window that blue snowflakes were falling outside, which brought blue memories flooding into my brain. I could see our ghosts baking cookies in the kitchen, and even Tom lifting me to put his vintage Angel on top of our tall tree. I hoped that Tom was doing all right, and that all he saw were white snowflakes in Virginia. But the Christmas here was blue. All together, I just wasn't in the Christmas mood.

I would not believe that it was truly Christmas until I could spend it with Tom. The snow isn't white, nor do the stars brighten the dark sky. I almost wanted to rip the lights off the tree so we could decorate it together when he came back. I was definitely in denial. I know I should move on... and I have tried, but I've found that to be impossible. How do you move on from your soulmate? I've lived without him for five years, but it's torn me apart inside.

Every year, Tom calls me and jokes about coming to my apartment and becoming a present under the tree for me to wake up to. I know he's joking, but I can't help but stay up waiting for him on Christmas Eve. I won't believe it's Christmas until he walks through that door.

I felt something furry touch my fingertips. I looked down and Swayze had gotten up, and he wagged his tail groggily at me. He is the only thing that makes me happy anymore. He looked up at me with his big and beautiful, but sleepy eyes. He still had the energy of a puppy, but he did enjoy being lazy.

He brought me back to reality. Sometimes when I'm lonely, I'll sit and think about Tom. It hurts to remember all the good times we had, when I thought we were going to be together forever. Tom was never coming back. If he was, he would have already.

I am so tired of my tears that shed for Tom, and I'm so done with wishing that he was still here. I want to move on—I need to move on. But tell me why it is so impossible?

"I'm sorry, Swayze. Let's go to bed," I said to him in a calm voice and walked with him back to bed.

It's been five years since Tom left, and it hasn't gotten any easier, especially around the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are the hardest. Maybe next year...

Based on the songs Christmas with You, It's Not Christmas Until You Come Home, and That's Christmas To Me, Christmas Is You, and Blue Christmas! ❄️ 🎄

Next chapter brings us to the year 2000 🤭 if you know, you know