21 Jump Street (Tom Hanson)

Swayze

2003

I sat down with Swayze on the cold floor of the veterinarian's office. He had recently not been eating and I didn't see the spark behind his dark eyes anymore. His thirteen year old body couldn't keep up. White was sprouting on his already light coat, along the ridge of his bumpy back and his snout. The veterinarian told me that it was his time to go, and it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

His heavy head was on my lap, and his body was on his favorite blanket. He breathed slowly, and his tail was wagging softly as he looked up at me with those big brown eyes. Tears sprinkled onto my cheeks as I sniffed and scratched behind his ears. He looked at me with so much love, and I returned it. I gave him my heart, and he gave me his.

"Hi, my little man," I croaked in my brittle voice. I leaned down to kiss the top of his head. His head rose as he looked up at me and continued to wag his tail. I could see it in his eyes that he was exhausted, and he was tired. The life and energy he had had faded away. The look he gave me was full of love, but it was tired. He knew it was his time to go.

Can I just get another week with my best friend? Just another day? Was I being selfish for wanting one more day? I had to ask myself if I was keeping him alive for me, or for him. Swayze didn't have to talk to answer me: he said it was time.

My voice was shaking as I said to him, "I know you're a strong boy. But we both know it's time for you to go. I didn't want to make this decision on my own, so thank you for letting me know. Thank you for letting me know that you're ready."

The door latch opened and the veterinarian walked in, hiding the needle and medicine in his hand. He asked, "are you ready?"

Of course I wasn't. I sniffed and held Swayze's block head in my hand and scratched his chin. He was done fighting. I had to let him go. I smiled at him lovingly and nodded, "yeah."

The veterinarian walked to us and I moved my legs a little out of his way so he could access Swayze's leg to insert the IV. I distracted Swayze by scratching around his head and giving him relaxing pets down his back and saying in his favorite goofy voice, "who is the bestest boy? You are. You are the goodest boy. Yes, you are." My voice couldn't handle it anymore so I dropped the goofyness and said in my regular voice, it was low, "you know what made you such a great dog? You loved me every day, no matter what. You made me feel rare, and pure, and special."

When I talked to him, his tail wagged. Even though we didn't speak the same language, he understood me. I just wanted him to know how thankful I was for everything he did for me throughout the years. I knew I gave him the best life I could. And now it was time to say goodbye.

The veterinarian said, "this is going to make him go to sleep."

"Okay," I nodded with a sniff. I smiled gently at Swayze and my voice broke when I said, "close your eyes. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise. You will take a quick nap and then you can play all day long. You won't hurt anymore."

He put the medicine into the IV, which dripped into Swayze's bloodstream. Swayze's head almost immediately dropped into my lap, and his tail stopped wagging.

Even though my throat desperately wanted me to be quiet, I didn't want to stop talking to him. I said in a soft voice, "you are my favorite boy. Yes, you are. Such a good boy. You know how much I love you? I love you so much. I want you to remember you're a great dog, Swayze. You got me through my day. You protected me. You're my pet, but you're also my best friend. I'm gonna miss you, my little man. Thank you for a lifetime of adventure."

After a few seconds, the veterinarian announced that he was going to put in the medicine that was going to stop his heart. "He won't feel this. He'll just slip away. Are you ready?"

I nodded and bit my lip as I trembled, "okay."

He put in the medicine, and I couldn't stop watching for when Swayze would stop breathing. I kept petting him and talking to him so he knew that he wasn't alone. After a few minutes, the veterinarian checked his heart with a stethoscope and said, "I can still hear his heartbeat. I'm going to give him a couple more minutes."

"Okay," I sniffed. I grabbed a tissue from a box I had by my hip and blew my nose. I continued to pet and say some of Swayze's favorite words until he crossed the rainbow bridge.

"It's okay, it's okay, I'm here. It's okay." I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince him or myself that it was. He saw that his best friend was with him, and he knew it was okay to close his eyes. I know he felt safe with me, and that's the highest honor.

"We will see you on the other side, my little man. I love you, you're safe. I have you. It's okay. You're not alone, I'm here. Nothing bad is going to happen... I love you so much."

My hand rubbed his back, going up his head and massaging his snout the way that he loves. Only one thing came to my mind, and that was a song that reminded me of him. My little sunshine.

"You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

My voice was so quiet, I could barely hear myself. Hot tears were rolling down my cheeks, and my voice was so strained it broke numerous times. Snot was running out of my nose. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. The light dimmed in his eyes, but went to my heart. I tried to find comfort in the fact that the last thing he saw was my love for him in my eyes.

Swayze had become completely still. The veterinarian checked his heartbeat again and said, "okay, he's gone. I'll leave you two alone. Come on out whenever you're ready."

"Thank you," I said with a strained voice and he left.

Did I do the right thing? I know that I will never be able to shake away this pain, because Swayze was my soulmate. I will never forget him. I'd rather say goodbye too early than a day too late. He was saying goodbye on a good day. This was the best decision for him, and therefore the best decision for me. He was only a dog, but he was human enough to be a great comfort in hours of loneliness and pain. He taught me love, but he also taught me loss.... but every moment is worth the pain at the end.

I was down with Swayze on the cold floor of the veterinarian's office. It was me and Swayze against the world, and now it was just me. I silently cried into my hand. I wished that Tom was here with me to support me, and to be here for Swayze.

"I'll see you again, handsome," I said to him and I kissed the top of Swayze's head for the last time.

We had the sweetest hello, and the hardest goodbye.

Sorry for the depressing chapter 😭
Next chapter has a little reunion at the Jump Street chapel 💕💕