21 Jump Street (Tom Hanson)

Confronting Feelings

February 1989

I woke up this morning feeling weak because I was tossing and turning all night long. A fire started in my heart and it reached a fever that took me out of the dark. I've been having this crazy feeling building up inside of me that I just couldn't handle anymore. I tried to ignore it all day, but it grew. When darkness fell again, I knew it was time for me to do something about it.

I stood in front of Mickey's apartment and pounded my knuckles on the door. My hands were shaking so I shoved my fists in the pockets of my black wool coat as I waited for her to answer. My heart was beating double time. Even my knees were weak, I don't know how I was still standing. I was shaking like a jellyfish... but I kind of liked it.

I have felt like I have spent a lifetime just waiting for the right time to do what I've been too afraid to do. I couldn't explain it, and I can't deny it. My heart was captured, and the time was here at last so I couldn't wait any longer. It was now or never.

I was still with Jackie, which I know is a jackass move. I did not have the patience to break up with her and go straight to Mickey. My heart was throbbing, I needed to do this now. Hell, I needed to do this months ago. Years ago.

I rubbed my index finger across my lips, followed by my thumb. I was nervous. I'm rarely nervous. The door swung open, and Mickey was crunched to the side slightly as she was fiddling with her ear. When she stood up straight, I noticed that she put in a sparkling earring that glimmered in front of her curly brown hair. My heart was beating double time, and wouldn't tell my mind to tell my mouth what it should say.

I was almost expecting her to be nearly ready for bed, because of how late it was. So I was surprised to see her dressed and ready to go out. She looked great. I mean, she always looks great.

"Bad time?" I asked her.

"Sorry, I'm just running a little late for a date."

My heart dropped to my feet. All the hype I've built up for myself all day came crashing down. It's almost like she trying to make sure I will never get over her. What is she doing to me? I plastered a smile across my face and acted interested. "Oh, with who?"

She shrugged and welcomed me into her apartment. When she closed the door behind me, she said, "some guy from that coffee shop around the corner. He bought my coffee so I figured I should let him take me out and buy me dinner too."

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I cleared my throat to force my vocal chords to make some sort of noise. I decided not to tell her... this was obviously a very bad time.

"What are you doing here? We didn't have plans, did we?" She asked as she stood in front of me.

It took me a moment to answer her, because I had to escape her eyes. Do I tell her how bad I need her? How's she's under my skin? I never knew what I truly wanted until I looked into her eyes. I don't think I'll be able to tell her, unless I know that I am not alone in these feelings. I need to know.

I finally came out of my own mind to say, "oh, no. No, we didn't. I... um... I just wanted to borrow some... watermelon."

"Watermelon?" She chuckled and tilted her head to the side to put in her other earring.

"Watermelon," I said more confidently.

"Sorry, I don't have any. Come back in May when they're in season," Mickey chuckled and bent down to grab her shoes.

"Shoot, next time," I smiled softly. I hoped I didn't radiate with disappointment. She's really good at reading my energy, she can usually tell when something is wrong.