A Place With No Name (revamped)

Ana's Diary

May 5th, 1995  

          It's been entirely too long since I've used what used to be, my most favorite object in the world. 

I've felt so happy, and content over the years. I had a clothing line. I was modeling. I met so many amazing people in the industry. And I've toured the world. I honestly had no time to be sad because I was so busy doing what has came to be something I loved. 

But now, in this moment. Months later... I feel the same emptiness I've felt all those years ago. I've lost my Nana, my Baba is sick. Aunt Jolene is falling off the rails. And Michael and I.....

I'd be lying if I said that we were in a better space as a couple. Between the case with Brooke, Nana dying, and therapy (which is feeling pointless now), we haven't had the time to do anything. And thank God for our sweet baby, Mesini, because we wouldn't be under the same roof. 

He's been a lot colder towards me than he's ever been, and I wish I knew why. Maybe it was because of the court date coming up, or his album getting ready to release next month. I don't know honestly, and I'm starting not to care anymore. 

I love Michael with all of my heart, and it was always evident in the way I've treated him. In the way I've stuck with him through all of his lies. I would kill for this man. But his present actions are clearly his way of thanking me. 

I was always there for him when he needed me. Every tear he shed, I was there to wipe it away. When he wanted to curse the world for accusing him of bleaching his skin, and spreading rumors about him and Brooke, I was there to listen. When he fell into depression over the situation with Raye, I was there.

But what about me? 

I lost my grandmother. I lost my baby. I lost two of who I thought were my best friends! Where's my knight in shining armor? 

Nine months later, and I can't even remember the last time he's ever comforted me when I'd cry. Held me in his arms all through the night, singing me a song to put me to sleep. Coaching me through my anxiety attacks. Reassuring me when everything felt like Hell. I can't remember any of it. It all just feels like a distant memory. 

I never imagined us turning into this, not even in the afterlife. 

We were supposed to be a team. Two peas in a pod. Best friends. Lovers. Life partners. 

And we can't even stand to be in the same room together..... not unless we have our daughter. 

I feel more alone than ever. And I can't figure out a way to get rid of this feeling. 

I've put up this fight for long enough.

And now, I give up. 

Signed, 
Ana ❤