“And then I think that maybe I was designed to be alone....”
*****
Temple City, California
Annalisa Green -- April 17th, 1991 Location: 1341 Evergreen St.
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Late at night, I sit up in bed and cry. This fantasy I've been putting in my mind... thinking that I actually had a chance at happiness.
Happiness was just as temporary as the people in my life.
No matter how hard I try, it's never really enough.
My life was made to be this way.
Nothing but disappointments..
You can't have a happy ending, Ana. It just isn't right.
Stay miserable, girl.
Stay miserable.
**
I sighed, closing my journal in defeat. I was told to only write about things that made me happy, but that in itself was a difficult task.
How could I write happy things when nothing made me happy?
I silently cursed Aunt Jolene for buying me this waste of time and space. She wanted me to jot anything down that I couldn't say to her or Uncle Harry. And while I appreciate her thoughtfulness, I just wished she wasn't trying so hard.
Just let me be.
The clock had just struck one in the afternoon. I'd been here in my room for most of the morning, writing and listening to the radio. My dear aunt and uncle believed that I was still sleeping, since I did come in late last night from being with Semaij and Antonio. My attempts at distracting myself from the obvious problems I was facing within me were wearing thin. I didn't have anymore will to be strong anymore.
I was highly driven to just let it all go.
As much as I yearn to be okay — be sane, I just knew it wasn't possible.
I wanted to be better, but how? What could I do?
Therapy didn't work, and the pills are a pain in my ass. So what else is left?
