Magnus Academy: The Cursed Blood

Chapter Seventy

The Uncertainties of A Doubtful Heart

The way the sun would break through the horizon had always enthralled me, that doesn't change even now. The sight was soothing, like a strange yet natural phenomenon that most people ignore. Looking at it always made me feel like there's something pulling some strings in my heart, though it is a pleasant experience despite the way I said it. It's moments like this that I wish I have my ability to feel, for the even the freshly blown wind contains faraway emotions--the world is full of it, and I rather much feel them than sensing people directly.

Even if this world rejects my existence, I would still save it from destruction altogether just for these wonderful sensations to last, for them to continue. Sometimes, I wish I could be one with these sensations. I don't have to live, I don't have to suffer... I'll just have to simply exist. It sounded boring, one without any life, but that was what I desire the most if not death. But the world isn't that kind, nothing is, so I simply must go forward.

Yet if going forward in this direction means abandoning that future behind, then what for do I even do these things? I believed that if I only cared about myself, things would be so much easier. I trust Iyana and Andrea that they would be able to kill me in the end, that they would be able tot give me the reprieve I desire, I would finally find peace. But that wasn't the reprieve I saw, my future may have changed, but that isn't the future I want to have.

Celeztie might not even exist in that future, but having two children in exchange? It feels like life is mocking me somehow. The outrageous thing is the fact that even their father has abandoned them. I swore to myself I wouldn't create Caelesti's mistakes, but it seems I made my own kind of mistake. I'm tired of it--of all of this. Can't I just be done with everything and die peacefully in the end? This is not anger that I feel, but that sense of despair growing inside me whenever I think of what to come in that very future I saw.

Would I vow to change that future again? Then would I be met by another future? How much more should I work myself hard just to arrive to a future where I die without leaving anything behind? I can't stand it, the thought of it exhausts me. But then again, why should I let myself despair about something I don't even know would come true? Now that I've seen what is being held for me after a distant time, shouldn't I just change it like what I've been doing? But that's exactly why it's exhausting, why it's so hard to come into terms with myself.

It only reminds me that it doesn't matter what I do because in the end, I'd still be alone...for I am a lonely being. People are drawn to me yet at the same time, they can't truly get close. Is it because of fear? Respect? Hatred? What is it? I sense emotions but I can't figure out even the simplest of things. Some may care, may even fight for me...but why? Why would they do such a thing? I don't understand--and I don't think I even make an effort to.

"It's so like you to question even the most obvious, Ke'ala."

I smiled bitterly, shaking my head. "How are things at your end, Laire? I have been waiting."

"Considering you haven't even slept despite what happened last night, it amazes me you can still think of something like this."

"Of course. I do not stop unfinished."

"The Orcs, out of fear, has agreed. Your loads should be lessen by half at the time of war. Surprising news is that, they apparently planned an uprising against you back on the Orc Country by gaining numbers from other tribes."

"How bold of them." I chuckled.

"That was last month. Azto had turned things around, pero mas lumalaki lang ang galit nila sa'yo, Ke'ala. We need to devise a plan to handle them if ever that'd happen."