Magnus Academy: The Cursed Blood

Chapter Forty-Six

That Soothing Tune Inside A Dream

Suffocation. It was that feeling where everything else seemed to have stopped working, where no matter how much I struggle--I can never escape that heavy force that would always try to pull me down. A place where none can reach, a place where I can truly feel free, a place where I can have my peace, somewhere that I wouldn't have to ever think of those responsibilities and burdens. Death. 

The surrounding water was freezing. It felt like time had stopped and I was merely caught up in it, like I was watching an eternity of nothingness in an endless space devoid of anything but that deafening sound of my body falling down this river, that sound of my own heartbeat pacing slower, and that sound of bubbles protruding upward as they were in a rush to reach above. 

The waves felt so soothing while my body finally rested on the soil after a gentle push. I laid my arms on each side, looking up where the sight of the midnight sky seemed to have become even clearer from down here. Stars shone, replacing the bright magic circles which enthroned the azures before, glowing alongside the moon. 

The sight beyond was echoing, it looked as though I was seeing a whole canvas, and I didn't seem to mind dying then. I feel so tired, exhausted, that I just want everything to come to end. I wish I could just simply stop caring, I wish I could just go on my day without having to worry whether this world gets destroyed or not...I wish I don't  care at all about this world so that I could ignore it. 

But hatred is a complicated yet an easy emotion, it's something that can't be described just by words--especially if what I feel is even beyond it. But I do not dislike having this emotion, though it doesn't mean I dislike it either. Feeling hatred is a responsibility one put onto themselves because they don't like how the way things unfold. 

And I direct my hatred to this world, for being like this, for making me like this. Like I said, hatred is a responsibility, which makes this world a burden I carry and would continue to unless I end everything. Some may ask why I choose to save this world, why I choose to help it...I'm also aware that this world doesn't have any consciousness so the way I blame it may be foolish.

But it's all about whether I can shape this entire world with traces of my existence or just end up dying without leaving some kind of revenge. I'm fine with having none--what I can never afford is to die silently just like this world has always wanted me to. How did I know? Because there's that kind of force that would always haunt me--when I sleep, when I find myself in this kind of silence, when I think, and sometimes it comes whenever I close my eyes. 

What kind of force--I can't exactly find the words to define, to describe, to explain. All I know is it was that sort of feeling that makes me feel like I could die any moment now but despite that, for some reason, I don't feel like hurrying. Perhaps somewhere inside me isn't actually ready to because no matter how much I crave for death, that part of me will always be scared to face it. The thought makes me laugh mentally, it's ironical after all.

I closed my eyes, slowly shutting off my senses. I wasn't breathing for a few minutes now but I didn't mind. I knew I wasn't going to die--I couldn't, but I wonder if this is what it feels to. That loneliness, that stillness, that relief etched with something else...that little trace of fear. I thought so to myself then; so this is what silence sounds like. 

Strange as it may sound, I began to hear loud explosions, the strong forces of energies almost slamming through the water, and that unfamiliar scent of blood mixed with metals and iron rounding up in the air, and I suddenly felt nauseous. I opened my visions, my heart eventually pounding so hard against my chest that it was almost all that I could hear.