Reminiscence: From Me To You

Pahina 77

77:

"Fuck!" Narinig ko ang malalim na himig niya noong halos pabulong niyang bigkasin ang salitang iyon nang sabihin ko ang huling kataga. Sobrang sakit... ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit at matinding galit niya.

"'Wag gano'n." Nahihirapang sambit ni Karmela sa akin. "Hindi ka walang kwenta..." Pagpapagaan pa niya sa damdamin ko, pero tanging iling lamang ang naisagot ko.

Nang mga panahong iyon, tanging iyon lamang talaga ang nasa isip ko. Na bawat salita nila ay totoo. Na kailangan ko iyong paniwalaan. In that situation, I was helpless... I started to believe, I started to hate myself.

"Dear bully..." The pain of their every words still sting in my eyes. It is still painful and hurtful.

"Was it good? To see me cry?
Was it great to watch my pain?"

The words from the book I wrote just kept coming to me. Hanggang ngayon kasi nahihirapan pa rin akong intindihin kung bakit ang saya saya na pinagtatawanan nila ako, na kung bakit ang saya saya na makita nilang umiiyak at nahihirapan na ako.

"You said yes,
I apologized."

I was always the one who said sorry, when I was in pain and when I was crying and they didn't like it... I said sorry, it was my fault. Sorry, for not satisfying your little party, sorry for not being able to reach your expectations of me.

It's always like that... until now, it is still like that... how I hope it will end eventually.

"I am not fine, it was never fine..." Nahihirapang saad ko habang nakatitig sa mga mata nila. "Not because I stated sorry thousand of times, it was fine... Believe me, I was dying inside." Nanlalabo na naman ang paningin ko dahil sa panunubig ng mga mata.

"Tuwing gabi... bumabalik sa akin iyong nararanasan ko araw araw, sa tahimik na mga gabing iyon, magsolo akong maiiyak, kasi paminsan minsan pakiramdam ko hindi ko na kaya..." Mahinang kwento ko sa kanila.

"Pakiramdam ko kasi hindi ko na kakayaning pumasok pa."

"Dear bully," I heard Chinky Eyes' voice echoed. I stiffened.

"I went to bed,
I felt alone,
I was always on my own,
I cried,
silently wishing...
Don't let me die."

Napahilamos ako sa sariling mukha ko noong marinig ko ang mga katagang iyon. Those nights were nightmare... those long nights were... my own demons.

Huminga muna ako saglit bago magpatuloy sa pagsasalita. At noong handa na ulit akong magbahagi, nagsimula na ako.

"If someone ask me what is my favorite time in school, some might assume it was free time. Who doesn't like it?" I tried to joke, but I failed so bad. The lump in my throat makes it hard for me to utter the words completely.

"I d-don't..." My voice cracked. "I don't like it." I confessed. "It was hell for me, when it was free time."

"Ang hirap hirap kasi... kapag wala ang guro, ako ang nakikita nila. Sisimulan nila akong lokohin, sisimulan nila akong pagtawanan. Samantalang ako nandoon sa isang tabi nanginginig sa takot. Their whispers are screaming in my ear, their laughter is my own fear." Yana hugged me so tight to make me feel alright.

But I did not feel okay at all... Was it wrong?

"Dear bully..." I spoke. "I wish I were you, they like you when you are mean, they hate me even when I am nice." I said bitterly.

Claire joined in hugging me. It was painful. But at least... now, I am not alone.

"The mere verbal bullying was already a nightmare... when I thought I'll be fine, I can stand that... they ruined everything. Physical bullying suddenly comes in..." Akala ko kasi talaga ang kaya lang nilang gawin 'yung mga masasakit na salita, pero may mas lalala pa pala.