Life Ran Into Me

First day of old ways

At this point giving up seemed to be the only thing left to do. April and Praise doesn't deserve this. I've come so far only to be in the same position I was in, in the first place. I've been extremely humble so I won't lose anything and I've been trying. "Why you take so long to call me back" Henry said as soon as I answered the phone. All of my problems instantly went away when I heard his voice. I love that he could do that. "Im just now getting in the house those bags were heavy" I said smiling from ear to ear. As I was on the phone with Henry I began to reread the text messages me and jessey were exchanging and thinking about what we were saying to each other while I was packing our things. It put me right back in a bad mood. Sad a little. Maybe angry but very annoyed. I had blocked Jessey because I was planning on getting her out of my life and facebook was just another connector. It hasn't been a first. I cut my dad off completely for 3 years and Shanta for 1. So jessey was next. Out of no where I get a message from noonie. It was a screenshot from Jessey telling me how we shouldn't be fighting and that she would babysit the girls for me so I won't lose my job just yet. I was extremely happy and relieved to see that but the way my emotions was set up, I couldn't express it. Barely even feel it. She called me with a sincere apology and told me that she would babysit only if I apologized in return. "Jessey I can't hear you" I said in an annoyed voice after hearing exactly what she said. I pretended the phone connection was bad because I didn't know how to respond to her. I hate getting mushy. Apologies aren't really my thing and saying "I'm sorry" damn sure isn't. PTSD also took a toll on me making it harder for me to apologize. One day when I was about 11 years old I went out to the pool with family and friends. My auntie told me to come back when Bella did because she was in charge of looking out for me. Even though there was an adult present, she was more comfortable with my older cousin's supervision. By the time Bella was ready to leave, I stayed behind with the adult who was also my downstairs neighbor because I was having so much fun. I didn't think it would be a big deal because Bella had left so early. We walked home as a group and as I started walking upstairs I seen my auntie come outside with a belt. Everybody was watching. I was still soaked, dripping water so I figured she's not going to beat me yet. Not while im wet and not outside in front of everyone. But a show is what she likes to put on for everyone. I guess she thought it would make her look just as good as the time it did when the adults gave her props for beating me in the bathroom with a cable cord. She didn't say anything to me as I walked up the steps with fear. On my final step, in reach, she took her first swing. It embarrassed the hell out of me more than hurting. She hit my leg so hard I instantly fell to cover it so she wouldn't hit the same spot again. Everyone watched as she took her second swing. Because I was on the ground this time, I hope it was because she missed her target but this time it hit me in the face. I ran in the house with so much pain as she followed me to the back room and continued to whoop me. By the time she was down I was exhausted. My whole body was throbbing.. I stared at all the  weps on my body unable to stop myself from crying. I wanted to get out of the soaked clothes so bad but she told me not to leave the room. She was sitting outside too. The same place I never wanted to show my face again. I swallowed my fear and walked out the room and peaked my head out the door and asked her if I could change clothes. She told me no and to get back and the room and stop trying her. When I walked back in the room I noticed that there was blood on the wall. Not much but splats of it here and there. Seeing that made me miss the home I never felt that I had. She didn't care how bad she would beat me until someone would tell her she's wrong. The only person who had enough balls to tell her was Bella. My auntie then came in the room and told me I could change and apologized and gave me a hug. I didn't hug her back, I didn't even want her touching me. I knew her apology was fake. She forced me to hug her back and accept her apology. So jessey forcing me to apologize in return to her was so hard for me. Even though we both were in the wrong, I just couldn't bring myself to do it sincerely because I wasn't ready. But I had to. Shit isn't about me anymore, it's about April and Praise. "I'm sorry." I sucked it up and sent in a text message. I never felt so disconnected with Jessey in my life. I tried to explain to Henry why I was more upset with Jessey than I should be. "When I was younger, my auntie used to beat on me really bad-" I couldn't even continue. Saying those words aloud instantly made me cry. As grown as I am my childhood still hurts. "Hold on ima call you back" I said trying to hold back before he realized I was crying. I didn't want him to see that part of my memory attacking me. I got myself together and called him back. I was ready to tell him. "Are you okay" he interrupted me as soon as I started to speak. "Yeah im fine" I said quickly trying to rush past it. Checking to see if Im okay was going to make me cry more because I wasnt. "Are you okay" he repeated again knowing I was just saying yes just because. I tried to jump back into telling him why I was so upset. "You don't have to talk about it. I can see that it still hurts you and I hate to see you like this." He said. "Really? Okay" I said sounding relieved that I didn't have to explain. But I wasn't relieved. I wanted to talk about it because I never did and because I never did it weighed down on me. He quickly turned the conversation back into smiles and uncontrollable laughter. All my problems once again faded away.  Day by day I felt a piece of my faith leaving. Old ways kicked back in. We had a daily routine that was boring and got old quickly. Wondering how I was going to pay my bills were starting to scare me. When I didn't have a job before when I first lived on my own, I sold stamps to my auntie combined with my $86 utility check to to pay my light bills and buy diapers. But after getting turned away from cooking my kids food that day I decided I would never in my lifetime do anything else to help her out. So selling foodstamps wasn't an option for me and these apartments don't even give me as much as $20 in utility allowance. So mad with everyone, I became mad at myself for even depending on everyone else. Since living on my own, I've always been one to make ends meet but this time I wasn't sure.