Life Ran Into Me

Nothing I can do

I knew we couldn't sleep here. I would've but not my babies. Growing up the lights were out every now and then so I knew all the side effects especially how hot it could get. I packed us a few clothes and essentials. I grabbed the stroller starting to carry it downstairs so I could get the girls and go to my sister's house. I wanted something to drink before I left so left the stroller at the bottom of the steps because it would be quick. When I opened my refrigerator, it hit me that all the food was going to spoil if I left it. I had to take it. I was already tired from having to carry the stroller downstairs only to have to carry it right back up. It was so heavy I took two breaks on the way back up. I had no other way to bring the food to Jessey's but with the stroller. So I started packing it at the bottom of it as neatly as I can. I felt a huge tight knot in my throat as I tried not to cry but I was unsuccessful. I sat on the floor in the corner of where I was as the tears rushed down my face. I haven't cried like this since my first heartbreak. I couldn't stop. I felt so ashamed. Disappointed in myself. I let my babies down. I let my self down. The girls don't deserve this. I failed. It was getting dark and we had to catch the bus so I pulled my self together and packed everything. Getting the stroller downstairs was the worst. I wanted to just let go and let it fall but that wouldn't be any help in the end. By the time I got it downstairs I seen my neighbor looking at me from all the noise I was making. The stroller hit the wall only 100 times. I wasn't too fond of her because she complained on me for noise once before even though me and the girls aren't loud. It's my next door neighbor who is. I pushed the empty stroller to the daycare, thank god it's as close as it is. I stopped the stroller long before the entrance because I didn't want their teachers or anyone to see it with all the food in it and think anything bad of it. Because it was all bad. I walked in and the girls were very excited to see me as they showed me the toys and new friends. Their innocence made me want to cry more. But not in front of them I can't. This is also not the time or place. "Get your Jackets mamas" I told them. They ran to their cubbies and was ready to go home. Unfortunately we couldn't go there. They knew it was weird to see all the food in the stroller so they tried to take it out. "No no no don't touch it don't touch it" I said quickly. "Mommy why you got food!?" Praise said in a cute aggressive voice. I couldn't help but to smile and laugh. "You wanna go to TT house?" I asked them. "TT Thomas!" They yelled. They call my sister by her boyfriend's name. "Okay get in the stroller, come on let's go to TT house" I said. The bus stop was just across the street so I didn't have to go far with them. We waited about 15 minutes before the bus pulled up. I was embarrassed. Aside of us being well groomed, I looked like a homeless mother with the clothes and food stuffed to the fullest extent in the stroller. My pride was extremely broken. It was the longest bus ride i'd ever taken. Not really but it felt like it. The guilt and stress was eating me up while I watched them watch youtube videos completely unaware of what has happened. To them it was just a simple visit to TT's house but for me I knew we were going to lose our home so we were moving in. She told me many times before If I ever needed a place to stay, her home was open for us. It's always been vice versa so that was no discussion. I showed up to Jessey's door with a completely straight face. I wasn't in the mood for anything. Seeing that we had a bunch of belongings she figured something bad has happened. "Your lights went out?" She guessed. Basically confirming what she already knew. "Yeah" I said in a monotone looking at the floor. I started to put my groceries in her kitchen as we settled in. I couldn't believe that this was happening. After hours of us settling in, we got ready for bed. It was an electronic air mattress in their guest room. We wasn't used to it anymore but it wasn't anything new to us so we slept comfortably. Or at least they did. I was awake almost every 30 minutes to flip the switch so it would blow back up. I could hear the air leaving the mattress as soon as I was done. So eventually I took all the covers out of her closet and tried to make it as comfortable as possible on the floor. My boobs were hurting, my hips and my back. It was more uncomfortable than waking up every 30 minutes. Early in the morning I get woken up by the sound of everyone in the house and my babies fully energized as if they'd been up for a long time and truth is they were. "Lena you gotta get up. The girls ate and everything but you can't be sleeping while the girls up running around" Jessey told me. She and Thomas says this to me every visit. But after having long nights of being restless, by the time morning comes, im more exhausted than when I went to sleep. "Okay" I would respond. I was highly aggravated but in reality I had no right to be. I had to supervise my hyper kids. It would take me a whole 10 minutes before actually waking up. I got the day started for myself. It sucked because we had no where to be or nothing to do. We were just there. That feeling was suffocating as well. To sit in someone else's house all day doing nothing is never a good look and nonetheless a good feeling. The neighborhood is a 3/10 so there was nothing to do. Eventually the girls hype got on the nerves of everyone. Being stuck in the house made them cranky bad and energetic so basically annoying. I could be the first to admit to that. "Lena you gotta sit them down somewhere" I was told. So I locked them in the room with me trying to get them to settle down with baby shark..I thought about the fact that they would no longer be able to go to daycare even though they just started. Meaning I won't be eligible to start working once again. I laid back on the deflating matress staring at the ceiling wondering how the hell I got back to this point after all that I've been through.