The Adventures of Doctor Abby Normal, The Basement Diaries

Mole Wars, Part 1

"Mole Man has killed your sister!"

"No!"

"Poor Gwen!"

"Mother knows that you will mourn, or else, but be glad, she has joined the Primordial Gwen in the vat, and she will be reincarnated."

"Ahhh..."

"But not yet, keep crying and be angry!"

"Why?"

"I hate Mole People!"

"She did nothing wrong!"

"My sweet Gwister..."

"Do you wish to avenger her?"

"Yes!"

"Then I declare a crusade on the Mole Man and all of his people, a holy war!"

"Yes!"

"You will fight!"

"Yay!"

"You will die!"

"I can live with that!"

"And destroy our most unholy enemy, who is also ugly and looks like shit!"

"Mother is good!"

"Oh f..."

The Present...

"We have to escape."

"I am getting out of here."

"How?"

(Sassy Machine Noises)

"You tell 'em sis."

"What did she say?"

"I don't know." Gwen number, where was she?

"We are the Gwens, we are blonde and look the same, but our spirit cannot be tamed. We will win, we will fight, we will kill the Mole Man because it's our holy right! You cannot slay a Gwister and go pound sand, we will fight to the last Gwen and Mole Man!"

"Kill the Mole People, they are nasty and they suck, we cannot let them run amok! What good have they done? They don't even live in the sun..."

"I saw a Mole Person, it was really bad, he couldn't have sex, even with his dad, he also smelled and wasn't very smart, so I did my part! He was dead, I stabbed him many times, he attacked me first, the fault wasn't mine."

"Kill the Mole People!"

"Oh woah, woah, woah!!!"

"Kill the Mole People, they are nasty and they suck, we cannot let them run amok. What good have they done? They don't even live in the sun..."

"They hate the sun!"

"Mole People are bad, they are no good. Kill them all, every one in your hood!"

"I was out one day and saw a Mole Man, I couldn't have avoided it even past tense of can. I told him to go away, but then he called me words, I couldn't understand him so I stomped him into a curb!"

Kill the Mole People, they are nasty and they suck, we cannot let them run amok."

"Oh, they're all gonna die!"

"What good have they done-"

"A whole lot of none!"

"They don't even live in the sun!"

"Darkness and tunnels!"

(Saxophone solo)

"That is the most beautiful Mole People slaughter montage that I have ever seen." There could be more of her face though.