Akatsuki Oneshots (Based on A Taster of Modern Living and Akatsuki's Shadow)

Requested: Pregnancy Simulator

"I'm Hoooome!" you beckon with slight exhaustion as you enter your home.

"Oi! Come in here!" A voice calls from the living room. Of course, the rude manner is from Hidan. You turn the corner after stripping off your bag, coat and shoes and just stare. "What...the hell is this?"

Firstly, Hidan in a shirt is a rareity so that throws you off but secondly, its the belly underneath it. The way he hoists himself up from the chair sends a strange feeling down your spine. "Oh this?" He cradles his 'belly', "Kakuzu made me do a side job of experimenting on products. So for 2 days, I gotta keep this shit on."

He walks over to you with a faint waddle and a hand on his lower back, "Shit man this is heavy" he says with a faint strain. Your eye in twitching and you have never been so confused seeing a pregnant Hidan. You lift his shirt up to see the fake bump, "I..don't get it, why would you want this as a product?"

"It's a pregnancy simulator. Apparently it'll have the labor part and everything, whatever that means" he shrugs having no idea in the world. Your mouth drops. "Wait..how?" genuinely curious and also confused. He points to his pocket, bringing out this little machine, "This thing has it all timed and what not for the 2 days."

Kakuzu, Deidara, Sasori and Itachi walk in shortly after. Sasori looks down at Hidan and then up to everyone else, "I knew he was weirder than Tobi"

"He's got a new side job: Project testing" Kakuzu says dropping down a box.

What's in there?" You ask as Tobi and Zetsu join into the room. "More. They want to see if they work. I have a survey to fill out whilst he tests them. Now, Tobi, Deidara. Help Hidan out and try these"

"Why us? Hm"

"Tobi is more than happy to help Kakuzu-chan!" He says immediately looking to Zetsu for assistance putting it on.
Sasori just puts one onto Deidara whilst he protests.
"It ain't that bad. Play the part Barbie. You look like a girl as it is"
"Fucking jerk, Hm"

Hidan starts adjusting his 'belly' while Kakuzu smirks showing you another remote he has for Hidan's. You go to press a button, "Labor sounds like nothing come on. I'm used to being stabbed, gutted and torn apart! This would - -

"Hidan?"

His voice whimpers out with a faint wheeze, "Would...be...nothing"
"Are you in labor?" Deidara chortles
He leans up and grabs you by the collar, "GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!!!"
Sasori: You're not actually —
Hidan: KAKUZU!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

All Kakuzu does is laugh whilst testing the other buttons out, ticking off the survey.

"Nothing is happening with Tobi's" he says poking it in hopes it would work. Kakuzu takes this as his queue and presses some buttons.

"WHAT DID TOBI DO TO DESERVE THIS AGONY!!!! HE IS KIND TO EVERYONE, WHY WOULD A SMALL BABY WANT TO HURT ME SO!?"

Kakuzu continues to tick the boxes on the survey, passing Itachi Deidara's remote. He looks at to him confused. Kakuzu shrugs and Itachi presses a button.

"HNNNGGGGGGGGGGG. Why would women want to get pregnant?!?!?!"

"Okay right, take it off. Lemme have a go. I can't tell if you guys are all wimps or I am screwed if I ever become pregnant" you say now taking off your over jacket

Tobi and Deidara rips theirs off in a matter of seconds and pass them over, struggling with the pain so badly. Tobi helps you put yours on. "Whoa, this feels weird..so damn heavy. Hidan how are you doing this for 2 days!?"

"I keep telling myself I'll have rock hard abs afterwards but instead I think I'm gonna break my fucking back.. Kakuzu-chan~~~~ Can I take this off now?! Please!"

"You don't get paid unless you wear it for the full length in the contract"

"But how will they fucking know?!"

"I will" He says pressing a button to stall Hidan as he focuses on concealing the contractions he's feeling. "You..Fucking...Masochist!!"

You look up to the feeling of someone's chest against your back and their chin now resting on the top of your head, "What are you doing?" you say with a soft chuckle. "I don't know why, and I kind of don't care..but I have this weird feeling I need to protect you." You didn't even see Kisame enter the room but you smile at the softness he has just shown you.

"Let's see how 'fatherly' you would be then" Kakuzu says pressing the button for you.

"MOTHER - — FUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!"
"Its okay [Y/N]-chan! Breathe through it!" He breathes in two sharp breaths before exhaling, repeating the process for you to imitate.
"Just take it off if it hurts" Kisame says kneeling down to a slumped over you. "Pregnancy isn't over in 10 seconds Kisame!"
"..You're not actually pregnant" Sasori remarks.

Itachi just fidgets on the spot, "I-I don't know what to do"
"Don't put a baby in someone if you love them!" you say now lying on your side, practically harmonising your yells of agony with Hidan.

"This is only a simulation. It's not like this can imitate the birth itself, only the contractions"

"You mean it gets worse than this!?!?!?" Hidan has practically broken Deidara's hand squeezing it too hard and every blast of pain sweeping through him.