Akatsuki Oneshots (Based on A Taster of Modern Living and Akatsuki's Shadow)

Requested: Oh good, you're here. Hold this.

Yells and shouting could be heard from down the road as yourself and Sasori walked back home from work. You cringed knowing just whose voice that was, barking as loudly as ever. Then, embarrassment rode straight through you as Sasori pointed up ahead, "Who is that Itachi is consoling?" you looked up to see your neighbour, as angry as ever. You jogged straight up to them and started apologising loudly in the distance.

"Hello, [Neighbour] I'm so sorry. I don't know what's going on but I'll get my roommates to keep it down"
Itachi had persuaded them with apologetic mochi sweets which seemed to calm their nerves after the second bite. Sasori headed into the home and managed to quieten a few of the members apart from two.

You marched right in with Itachi trailing behind you. "What the hell is going - -" you began to protest, seeing Deidara with duck tape on his mouth, Tobi wrapped in Sasori's chakra strings and Kakuzu with his head under the sofa looking for something.

Kisame jogs over, "Oh good. You're here, hold this" He passes you Hidan's severed arm.

Your face pales and Kisame jogs towards Kakuzu, taking another body part in hand. "Check the fridge" he states as he checks behind the rest of the furniture. "Alright, you check the roof next."

"T-The fridge? Wait - - THE ROOF?!" you stutter out, "What the hell is going on!?"

"That's what I've been asking but no one is listening" Sasori sighs out. Itachi helps Deidara peel the duct tape off his mouth which unfortunately, attached itself to a couple of his long strands of hair. "Hidan pissed Zetsu off, big time. Hn. OW- Watch it" he hisses as his hair gets pinched out of his scalp.

"What the hell did he do?! Where's his head? And Where is Zetsu!?" you say freaking out and being disturbed of the limp arm hooked on your shoulder. Itachi takes it from you whilst Deidara joins the hunt.

"We're sorry, [Y/N]-chan. We tried to stop it and find all the pieces before you came back!" Tobi says finally being let go from Sasori's grip.
"What actually happened?" Sasori questions, very casually looking around for Hidan's parts but with less intent as the others.

"Black Zetsu was mocking Jashinism and Hidan made a flamethrower and burnt all the new flower beds"
"He MADE a flamethrower!?!? HOW"
"Deodorant can and lighter. That's not the point though, why did he burn the flowers? They're White Zetsu's pride and joy" Sasori asked.

"Not the point - - " you were flabbergasted at how unfazed Sasori was about this. You were continuously interrupted with Sasori and Tobi's conversation.
"Uh huh. Hidan didn't really know that. Well..he did but he forgot. So White Zetsu jumped him and it got a little out of hand."
"Where is Zet - - "
"So why didn't Black Zetsu or any of you stop it?"
"Hey, I'm ask - - "
"Sasori senpai, we tried! We really did! White Zetsu got vicious! He even bit Hidan! Then he melted into the ground and took him away. We only figured what he did once we found his..."

"His what?"

Tobi stayed silent. He just looked over at the lump underneath a table cloth on the floor. You went over, about to lift it up but Kisame's hand swiped yours back, "You do not want to lift that up"
"Why don't I want to lift it up?" You say obliviously.
He just stares at you silently with a serious look and a faint sweat drop trickling across his temple. You grew nervous and asked the same question again, only this time a bit fearfully. "Why don't I want to lift it up..Kisame..?"

He shakes his head, placing Hidan's torso near the pile and moves you away into another room. Kakuzu comes back from the roof after finding a foot in the gutter, "Someone's going to need to clean the body parts before I stitch him back together."

"Why? He can take a shower afterwards, Hm" Deidara returns with the other arm.
"He's prone to getting an infection like this" Kakuzu claims.
Itachi returns with a towel wrapped body part, dripping. "Do I need to ask where you found that..?" Sasori asks.
"Toilet bowl" Itachi sighs, looking for anything such as soap or hand sanitiser. 

"What are we missing?" Kisame calls out from the kitchen.

"Just the head" Tobi exclaims as he makeshift assembles the parts on the floor.

"I need some air.." you say as you hold back the panic, hoping none of your neighbours witnessed the massacre. You head into the garden for a breather. You slide your back against the wall of the house at you take a deep breath in, the silence of the garden was calming. All until you hear a muffling sound.

You grew anxious until you figured what it could be.
"..Hidan?" you say apprehensively.

The muffles grew louder at his name, more frantic and desperate. You follow the noises and stare at the burnt flower bed. You begin to realise what Zetsu has done when the soil was shaking. You dug, dirt under your finger nails and your heart was in your stomach. Hidan's head was lifted, eyes red and watery, frantically yelling. You huddle his head in your jacket, "Hidan I need you to be quiet, I'll take the duct tape off but you have to promise me to be quiet. I don't want to have the police called here" His voice quietens but still argues. His eyes scrunch closed as you peel the edge to give the tape a quick rip.

"That fucking - -" you slap your hand over his mouth as you run into the house.

"I found him!!" you ran in and located Kakuzu who was finishing up the rest of the body which was now laying in the bathtub. You wiped Hidan's face as he rants profanities all about Zetsu as you plea for him to keep his voice down.

"Hidan..Where is your ear?" you say freaking out.
"That fucker...ATE IT" Just as Hidan explained further, Zetsu appeared from the wall in the hallway and you both caught a glimpse of the venus fly trap's shadow.
In unison with Hidan you both growl, "...You!"

Hidan wasn't fully a body yet but you lunged on Zetsu and yelled at him louder than the boys were earlier. Itachi mumbles as he heads into the kitchen, "I better start making more apology mochi.."