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Ward - Agents of Shield

We had gotten back from a mission a couple of days ago. And since then, I had refused to come out of my bunk. People would come over and ask why I wouldn't leave my bed, but, I would either ignore them, or tell them to just leave me the hell alone. I didn't want to explain why I wouldn't come out. I didn't want anyone to know the truth. What was the truth, exactly? Well, that's a long story.

Flashback, 19 years old

Hydra. Something, some people, that I had started to work with recently. I knew that they were bad people, really, bad people. But, for some reason I just did not care one bloody bit. They did bad things, I've done bad things. That was that. I did what they asked, and I got to live. It was that simple, and I didn't feel guilty about it.

Sure, there have been some brief, and I mean very brief moments where I would slightly regret what happened, or what I did, but those moments lasted maybe a couple of seconds. I would brush it off, then go about my day like nothing had even happened in the first place.

A couple of weeks ago, they had me kill someone for the first time. I would be lying if I said I hated it. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel like I actually had control for once in my life. Deep down, deep, deep down, I knew it was wrong. But, on the surface, I didn't give a shit about right and wrong. On the surface, the only thing I had cared about, was power, and feeling in control.

End of flashback, back to present day, 29 years old

So, there I was, still hiding away in my bunk, refusing to tell anyone about my past. The reason, all of this came up in my head, was because on that mission a couple of days ago, I had accidentally shot and killed someone. I was overcome with guilt, something that I hated that I actually felt. I didn't used to feel it, but now I do. My mind was so flooded with guilt, and regret, that I just couldn't face my team.

When I was nineteen, I began working for Hydra. When I was twenty-four, I had escaped, and found a way out. I lied, telling Shield that Hydra held me captive, and forced me to work with them. They believed me, and so, they kept me protected, and Coulson allowed me on his team. Ward, of course, was the only person that actually knew the truth. He knew that I was lying about my past, but he didn't rat me out.

I suppose, that was our deal. As long as I didn't rat him out and tell anyone about him working for Hydra, him being a double agent, he wouldn't tell Coulson and the team about my real past. So, we kept it like that. He thought that it was dumb that I felt guilt for killing, and to be completely honest, I agreed with him. I hated that I felt guilt.

If I'm being totally honest with myself, there was this part of me that felt, something for him. I couldn't quite identify what it was that I felt for him. I never was good at understanding feelings or emotions, they were never really my strong suit. Especially since Hydra had always taught us that those types of things were a weakness. Having that imbedded into my head, well, it made me believe it, at least partly.

I had spent these past years, trying to destroy every last bit of 'programming' so to speak, that Hydra had done to me. But, try as I may, I was never able to fully get rid of it. There was still this part of me that was that obidient, complient person that I was made to be.

Ward had walked over. "Still stuck in your guilt?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes, and sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I am. I am so overly consumed with guilt, that I can't face anyone, and honestly, it's so fucking pathetic." I said.

"Yeah, it kind of is." Ward said bluntly.

"Wow, thanks, Grant. You do a marvelous job at actually making me feel better." I said sarcastically. I stuck both of my middle fingers up at him.

"Put those down, don't be so dramatic." Ward said.

I rolled my eyes then put my fingers down. I rested my hands in my lap. "Soo, what the hell do you want anyways?" I asked.

Ward sat down at the foot of the bed. "I don't know. What do you want?" he asked.

"To stop feeling guilt, shame, remorse, regret. To understand, whatever the fuck I'm feeling towards you." I said.

"Feelings?" Ward asked.

I nodded my head, then combed my hands through my hair. Feelings. Yes, feelings. I haven't been more frustrated over something in my entire fucking life, and I wished I hadn't said a word to him. I wish I had just told him off, and told him to go away.

"Unfortunately." I said.

"Maybe we can work on all that." Ward said.

"Maybe. Maybe sometime." I said.

"No time like the present." Ward said.

I shook my head. "Fine." I said.