𝐼'𝓋𝑒 𝑔𝑜𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 [ Adopted by Elizabeth Olsen ]

Chapter 43: "Counting"

⚠️TW:⚠️ self-harm, panic attack

(I'm sorry...)

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I was about to put on a  pair of sweats when I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the  mirror. The angry red lines. The new ones. The old ones. The even older ones. There were layers. A lot.

You deserve them all.

No, don't do it.

The razors stood where I had seen them the last time, taunting me.

Don't.

On auto-pilot, I walked over and picked up one of the razors. Expertly breaking off a blade, I looked at myself in the mirror. Just a couple wouldn't hurt, right?

Lizzie wouldn't like it if she knew.

But she doesn't know.

She's bound to find out eventually.

Not if you hide it well enough.

She wouldn't like me doing this.

She doesn't care about you.

I'm hurting myself.

And you deserve every single ounce of pain.

I couldn't help myself. I dug the blade into my thigh, waiting for the red liquid to drip, simultaneously as the stinging pain came.

You're weak.

1.

Ugly.

2.

Unlovable.

3.

You're broken.

4.

Messed up.

5.

Lizzie is going to leave you.

6.

She's doing it for publicity.

7.

She doesn't care.

8.

Tears were blinding my vision, thoughts running through my head, but I kept on going. I couldn't stop. Not until there were splotches of blood on the white marble floor.

I became light-headed, and the blade fell from my hands, dropping to the ground. I collapsed, finally letting the tears fall.

I couldn't sit here and feel sorry for myself. I might just have cut myself with a freaking razor blade, but I'm not an idiot. After a bit of digging with shaky hands, I found some bandages and wound disinfectant in the first aid kit, and using that to clean myself up before cleaning the floor and the blade, putting everything away.

I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror again.

My eyes were bloodshot, my skin pale and my hair messy from when I had pulled it. Crap, had I pulled it again? I hadn't even noticed. There was, however, some hair on the ground, so I picked it up.

Searching my scalp, I found a little bald spot on my left side. Fuck, it's been a while since I have pulled out some of my hair.

There wasn't a lot I could do about it, so I put it in the rubbish along with the bloody paper. There was a lot of it. More than a typical nose bleed would produce, but I could just say that I got a really bad  nose bleed out of nowhere.

They aren't normal, but they do happen to some people.

Anyway, I got out of the bathroom after checking if everything looked normal. I was pretty tired, so I turned the lights off before climbing into bed. A couple of minutes later, there was a knock on my door.

I really didn't want to talk to anyone right now. Why do you ask? Well, for starters, I'm tired. And, after I've done... you know what. Anyway, after I've done that, I get really sensitive and emotional, and I   already feel like crying, so talking to someone definitely wouldn't make it better.

And, let's be honest, Lizzie would probably notice something was wrong, and she'd probably find out about it too. So yeah, I'll just be quiet and hope whoever is behind the door just takes the hint and leaves.

But of course, they didn't. After a few more knocks, I heard a soft voice calling. "I'm coming in." A stripe of light crept into the room, and Lizzie came in before gently closing the door behind her. "I'll be honest, I don't think you're asleep yet, I heard you up here like   5 minutes ago", she joked, coming over.

I kept up my sleeping facade, trying to keep my breath steady. She gently sat down on the side of the bed. I expected her to do something, and I did, but when she raised her hand to move a strand of hair behind my ear, my stupid self flinched.

She froze and I understood I was busted, so I   opened my eyes. "Hi...", I whispered. "Hi hun, are you okay?" I was trying so hard not to let anything show, but it was hard. "I-"

I knew I couldn't speak without breaking down. My thighs hurt, sure, but it was the emotional pain that was beating me up. A sob racked through my body as the tears finally won. "Aw baby... come here", Lizzie  opened her arms for me to crawl into. She turned on the lamp on the nightstand, and I could see her worried gaze.

I was only wearing shorts, so I made sure to keep myself covered as I practically crumbled in Lizzie's arms. I was still holding back from breaking down,  and she noticed.

Lizzie's pov:

"You're okay darling, you can let it out, I'm here for you", I assured her. She weakly shook her head, tears brimming her eyes. "It's okay, 𝐼'𝓋𝑒 𝑔𝑜𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊." Before I knew it, her hands were in her hair, her head in my chest and loud sobs were escaping her.

"There you go bubba", I smiled, happy she could let it out, hopefully without hurting herself. I tried to pry her hands away from her hair as gently as   possible, but she would start whining incoherent phrases and her breathing got more irregular.

"Honey, you're hurting yourself, I don't want you accidentally pulling your hair out. Deep breaths, you're okay hunny", I cooed while holding her hands in mine. "Nooo, please, I'm sorry", Nova whined.

"You're okay Novs, it's just you and Lizzie okay? Deep breaths, calm down for me love."

Nova eventually gave up on reaching her hair and resorted to clinging to her duvet which was currently covering her stomach and legs. I figured she maybe didn't have anything on, she was about to go to bed anyway. Maybe she was insecure about her stomach, I couldn't know. Either way, I didn't think much of it.

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I'm sorry....

At least Lizzie is providing some comfort though...

So, let's just forget about that yeah? *cough*

How are we doing today? I'm doing well, I have like a week of peace until school starts, so I'll at least try to write a bit. (Keyword: TRY)

Make sure you get enough sleep and water, stay safe <3

Love, Frida xx