Avengers Preferences and Imagines

The S.H.I.E.L.D Survival Guide: 001

DISCLAIMER: I did NOT come up with the original S.H.I.E.L.D Recruit Survival Tips", credit goes to shieldrecruitsurvivaltips on tumblr for that. 

A/N: First... Happy New Year to you all! I hope everyone is doing well, had a happy holiday and I wish you all nothing but health, happiness, and prosperity in the year to come! Welcome to the first chapter of 2023! In typical me fashion, this chapter is yet another installment of "Linds writes whatever her silly little brain feels like writing" and this time I decided to make it a more "in-depth" look at those "S.H.I.E.L.D Recruit Survival Tips" I always talk about. EXCEPT for this story's purpose, I'm calling it "The S.H.I.E.L.D Survival Guide" and we're gonna explore the many stories that inspired these tips! 

Word Count: 1,068  

The thumping sound of a large stack of papers hitting my desk was not how I wanted to start my first day back at work. When I looked at it, my eyes almost popped out of my skull. "What in the actual hell is THIS," I asked Coulson in dismay. His smile was warm but apologetic. "This," he said, gesturing to the massive document sitting in front of me "is what I like to call 'The S.H.I.E.L.D Survival Guide'. It's a list of rules and tips that will help everybody...get along better." He explained. I stifled my scoff and glanced at the clock that was mounted above the doorway. I had been back to work for a whopping 48 minutes and I was already at the end of my rope.

I turned the cover over and the next page was flooded with a numerical list of do's, don'ts, and survival tips, all of the pages followed suit. "How many are there?" I asked, dreading flipping to the end of the document. "570. For now. This will be published and put on our online server so that we can always be updating it and have it be easily accessible-" I held up my hand and cut off his proud speech. "But we already have a handbook. Why on earth would we need this?" I asked. I was both horrified and curious to hear the answer.

Phil grimaced and took a seat in one of the plush chairs across from my desk. "As you know, as of last week, the Avengers team have recently become a...regular...part of S.H.I.E.L.D." I nodded to show I was following along. "Well, this hasn't exactly been an easy transition. For them, senior agents, or recruits alike. It's a lot of strong personalities." He explained. "That's one way to put it" I offered in response. "It's only been one week since the "merger' and there have already been...several incidents." Phil did not offer a further explanation. "The Avengers are an asset and a necessary unit, but having them here will not be without its challenges. This document is a guide to keeping everybody safe and happy." He sounded optimistic.

A small part of me wishes that I had taken an extra few weeks of vacation. I had completely forgotten that the Avengers were officially going to be working as S.H.I.E.L.D. operatives while the world wasn't being invaded. I had also forgotten that all "mergers" came with challenges, this one apparently came with quite a few of them. "So I guess this is all kind of a me problem huh?" I asked even though I knew the answer. "Unfortunately. Your propensity for overseeing and training new recruits has not been forgotten while you were away. This guide will help you prepare any new recruits, as well as the Avengers team for life at S.H.I.E.L.D., as well as keep things running smoothly." Phil informed me.

I wanted to slam my head on my desk. Sure this was technically a huge promotion, and I'd be getting one hell of a raise out of this, but I wasn't sure I was the right person for navigating this chaos. "There's no way out of this one?" I was skeptical but had to ask. Phil shook his head. "You're the only person Fury trusts with this." I cursed myself for having a reputation that proceeded me. I nodded, accepting the assignment and sealing my fate. "Read over it, and meet with everyone when you're ready. I sent you a secure file with some of the incidents that inspired some of these if you're curious." He left my office without so much as a sound.

I opened the file and read the first tip, along with the description of the incident that inspired it...

001: ALWAYS make more coffee if you empty the pot. You do NOT want to know what will happen to you if you fail to do so.

**The recruits emptied the coffee pot(s) and did not make more coffee. Upon returning from his (very long) mission early in the morning and finding all of the pots empty, and no coffee anywhere to be found, Agent Barton took it upon himself to shoot the coffee cups out of the hands of every single recruit with an arrow, claiming "if he had to be uncaffeinated after a day from hell, then so did the recruits" effectively leaving everybody without coffee, and the recruits terrified. -P.C

As horrendous as that incident was, it was effective in changing my mind about the necessity of this guide. Finding a way to ensure that everybody gets along was going to be challenging at best, and an HR nightmare at worst.

And with that, I kept on reading about the 570 incidents that inspired "The S.H.I.E.L.D Survival Guide" and hoped to hell that I would be able to keep everybody alive so that they could keep saving the world. 

A/N: There are quite literally 570 of these on the internet, theoretically I can write a short story about every single one of them. SO if there is a specific tip you want me to write about, or if you just want to pick a random number between 2-570, INBOX me and let me know so I can write it! This series will continue sporadically and if there are no special requests I will be picking a number or tip at random. 

**Some of these tips include non MCU characters (such as Deadpool) which if anyone picks that number, I will happily write for you if anyone is interested in that ;)

Happy reading and all my love, 

-Linds