Stairs in the North :: seoksoo

SITN :: 75

*seokmin*

i suggested to talk inside my room since we cant go outside because of the thick snow surrounding the whole area that for sure we'll make us freeze. i was the one who opened my door and i could feel how my hands was trembling and was cold because of nervousness. all of my life i never imagine that ill be talking to this man behind me inside one room and i couldn't imagine that i let myself talk to him alone. . but i know that this was the best to finally had the closure we both wanting.

once we entered my room, i signalled him to sat on the long couch while i sat on the single one, meters away from him but enough to hear everything he's going to say. there are defeaning silence lingering the spaces between us, hindi ko din naman kasi alam kung ano sasabihin ko plus after all those years this was the first time im gonna talk to him that serious. i could vividly remember the last time we talked since its been a decades already.

i heard him heave a sighed so i compose myself up and tried to focus whatever he's going to say though my heart was literally beating faster as my hands that was on the top of my lap was trembling and was still cold. i was holding my head low, avoiding any eye contact with him but i could feel him staring at me prolly collecting himself where to start or what to say.

"i-i know you wouldn't like it if we'll take too long kaya papaiiklin ko nalang. . so please, listen to me son, okay?"

i blinked thrice after hearing him calling me his son. because of what happened, it never crossed my mind that he would call me like that again. and now that he called me like that, the memories of how he used to call me before flushed through my head in no time. it made me nostalgic. masarap at masakit balikan yung nakaraan. i heave a sighed before i nodded and tried so hard not to cry because of the sudden appearance of the memories inside my head.

"anak, to be honest, i never wanted it to happen. kung iniisip mo na bakit hindi ko kayo naisip before doing that kind of actions, seoks, i did." his voice got broke at the end of his statement thats i swallowed hard because for sure, just like me, all of those keep coming back inside our heads. those nightmares. "kayo yung unang pumasok sa isip ko the moment i lost the case. ayaw ko kayong masaktan, ayaw ko kayong mapahamak. . i never really wanted it. . pero wala akong choice."

"i need to be devoted and i need to take responsibility of what i had proposed for my job so even though i wouldn't like it to happen, wala akong choice kundi gawin yun. i promise, believe me or not anak i never really.. . ever wanted it. mahal ko kayo nang mama mo at kahit kelan hindi ko ginustong masaktan kayo."

the tears i was holding back, suddenly flew down to my hands after hearing the word 'mahal ko kayo'. yeah, jisoo hyung may be telling me that my father really loves both me and mom a lot of times already, but i never knew that it could hit differently right through my chest after hearing it coming from him, mismo. ang tagal kong hinintay marinig yung mga salitang mahal nya kami ni mama. after all those happened, fate convince me enough that this man in front of me doesn't really love his family.

thats why right now, it made a huge pang inside my chest.