Stairs in the North :: seoksoo

SITN :: epilogue

*joshua*

"welcome to University of California, Los Angeles Law School, joshua!"

mrs. stanford welcomed me with open arms as she gestured me to roam my eyes around the university grounds. i smiled at her first before shifting my gaze around the whole area, from where i was standing to what is on my surroundings. and just like the very typical university in united states, students are pacing back and forth while holding their thick books, there are some group of students who're sitting at the nearby bench and was laughing to one another, then students who are alone, studying by themselves and some students was passing by me while talking to their friends.

the surroundings was quite comfortable. there were benches in line on the sides of the hallways, trees growing green side by side and designs of the university theme and there are symbols that from this area i was standing to right now. . is an area for school of law. the course i am taking, the course i was committed to. . and the only job i could imagine my future with. so even if i dont have any idea of whats coming on my way here, im going to face it with all the courage that i have.

i dont want to repeat the same mistakes i did when i was at korea. . and i also dont want to disappoint them, i dont want to disappoint him.

after the tour around the whole university, i went back to the dorm i was staying to and the landlords also welcome me and introduced me to other tenants who are staying to here and taking the same course as i am. that night before my first day, i couldnt sleep properly because i keep on thinking what would happen tomorrow or even in the next few days. . i could feel that the person who am i back then, was slowly coming back to me. the joshua who never knew how to befriend his classmates and doesnt know how to commumicate well to other people.

i was thinking. . kaya ko ba? or i mean, i could do it now that after all those years, i was alone, again? kaya ko ba nang ako lang magisa, ulit? kaya ko ba, nang wala sya?

actually, to be honest, i was so hesitant about the idea of me studying abroad since my mom knew how hard it was for me when i was young. . but i couldnt argue because someone i love pushed me to this. someone pushed me not to let this opportunity passed. and he let me see what would it looked like if ever ive got this opportunity. but still, i dont know. . i just, dont want it because i had already sworn to myself that i wont gonna leave him again, after what i did.

but seeing the dedications and determinations in his eyes to pushed me to do this and to let me go and set me free made me. . do it. made me take the risk because thats what could make him happy and thats what he thought would be the best for me. i was actually, guilty that he still got to see the best future ahead of me, and he still got to thought of whats best for me after everything that i did. . after i pushed him away. after i rejected him. . and after i turned my back on him, before.

honestly, i dont deserve seokmin. . i dont deserve a man like him. i was so lucky to he loved by him. he deserve so much better.

he deserve so much better.. . thats why im doing my best to be better, to be better for him. no matter how hard it may come on my way by taking this course, i would face it. i want to show to the world that even after all that happened. . seokmin, still deserve a man like me.