Loving the Fighter

131

Jax's POV

"I got Carter to talk to me!" I all but yelled when I walked into Andrew's office the next day. Andrew's eyes widen as if he weren't expecting it as I sat down in the chair.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing much. Just wanted to catch up but at least things are back to normal for us," I say with a small shrug.

"What about the others? Has he talked to them yet," I can feel Carter tense up as he slips off the couch, probably to go pout some more.

'Get your ass back on that fucking couch,' I seethed out, making him stop in his tracks and ease back where he belonged.

"Not yet. It only happened last night. They don't even know about it." Andrew hummed.

"Is he up for a session today?" Andrew asked hopefully.

God I really hate him so much some times, Carter sighed out but was slowly pushing me back all the same.

"What kind of session," Carter asked as he settled into the office chair.

"I want to talk about your side of the break up," Andrew said carefully. "I've heard from everyone else, now I want to hear from you." Carter tensed again as he repeated the exact same words he had told Liam and Ryder. Once he was finished, Andrew gave out a small scoff. I think that's the first time he's every scoffed at us.

"So you think you don't deserve happiness because you get a little mad sometimes," Andrew asked in utter disbelief.

"My happiness isn't worth the risk of other's," Carter said as he looked at he ground.

"If you honestly believe that I think we have bigger problems that a high school break up," Andrew said sadly. "Why do you think so little of yourself?"

Carter doesn't answer. A strange look passes Andrew's face as he speaks up again.

"Is it because you're an alter? You think of your self as a lesser person because you don't have a physically body like everyone else?" Carter doesn't answer again but the self-loathing rolling off if him is answer enough.

"Carter, just because you and Jax share a body doesn't mean that you are any more or less worthy of a happy life. You don't get to put everyone else above yourself," his words sounded harsh but his tone was surprisingly gentle. Carter nods but it doesn't take a genius to know that he doesn't believe that.

"Did you even like them?" This question however, has Carter perking up.

"Yes," Carter says without hesitation.

"Really? Because it almost seems like you've had one foot out the door ever since you started dating them. Almost like you were waiting for the smallest inconvince to end it all," coming from anyone else that would have sounded rude and condescending but Andrew managed to make it come out gently.

Carter scowls at that.

"Can you blame me? It's not like there is a book called 'relationships for dummies' floating around this camp. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Everyone always says you are supposed to put your partner above yourself. That's what I was doing.

"Not at the expense of your own feelings."

This is all too confusing. Carter grumbled as he went silent.

"What other than their fear, what keeps you from being with them?" Andrew asked after he gives Carter time to calm down.

"My fear," he whispered out with a scowl.

"Your fear of what?"

"Myself. I don't want to hurt any of them but I know that if I ever get sucked into that flashback again I won't have any control over it."

"So you'll let a 'what if' rule your life forever?" Carter's jaw clenched.

"My anger too. It doesn't always happen but sometimes the smallest things piss me off to the point where I just want to beat someone's head in."

"Anger, flashbacks, and fear can all be treated. You just have to let me help you." Carter was still fighting it though.

"Unless of course, you are willing to stay in Jax's shadow for the rest of your life," he said almost longingly. Carter scowled again with a glare. "Never allowing yourself to do anything you like or to live your own life. Just going and doing what every Jax needs you to."

"Okay, point taken," Carter seethes before sighing.

"So what will it be then? A few honest sessions or being nothing but Jax's alter for the rest of your life?"

Carter's POV

I wasn't ready for this.

Nothing but anxiety coursed though me as I walked to our cabin.

Jax said they weren't mad at me but how could he know? We live in each other's brain, not either of theirs. They could be overly pissed off and just be hiding it until they realize I'm in front.

I'll be honest, I was scared, not of them but of myself.

They were right to be afraid of me. I was trying to help them with it. If I left and things went back to how they were before, they wouldn't have to be afraid if I wasn't around and that seemed like a fair trade off to me.

But being by myself reminded me how much I hated it before Jax and I began switching regularly. I didn't want to have to do that anymore but I was still willing to for their sake.

'So are you just going to stare at the door or do you plan on going in at some point,' Jax asked jokingly but it only made the anxiety worse. 'I'll be right here. If anything happens we'll switch and I'll make them back off.'

You promise?

'I promise,' he confirms as my hand comes in contact with the door.

With one last deep breath, I step inside.

"Hey, how was the session-" Callum asked but cut himself off when he looked up at me. "Carter," he breathed out before hoping off the bed. Ryder perks up at my name as he stares at me with wide eyes.

"Hi."

PLEASE READ

Okay so we need to have a grown up conversation real quick. But before I go on my little author rant, know that I'm just speaking in general to help clear the air. I am not ranting to or about anyone.

One of my biggest pet peeves is perfect character. I can't stand them. People in life are not perfect so my character will never be either. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. People snap, say things they don't really mean, and they hurt people. It happens every day. I'm sure most everyone here has done this. Whether it be from fear, anger, sadness, or panic, it happens.

Should Ryder have snapped? No, he shouldn't. Was this stressful for everyone? Yes, obviously. Does anyone think rationally when they are scared? NO. Very few people are actually calm and collected when they are scared so why does Ryder have to?

They have all went through trauma of some sort. Things we don't find scary are terrifying to them. It's only fair to loose your cool if something reminds you of your trauma.

And to the people saying it's not like Ryder to snap, fear makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. When Liam snaps yea some people blame him but most everyone else just shrugs it off because they are 'used' to it now. The fact that people are low key attacking Ryder right now for snapping when he has never done this before is honestly heartbreaking.

Liam, Jax, and even Callum can snap as much as they want with little to no consequences but the one time the happy character does it, everyone rushes to attack them for it and it's honestly not okay.

And to anyone who thinks the break up wasn't worth it, yes it was. I hope this chapter explained it better but before and even still now, Carter is willing to put his own well being behind if it means everyone else is happy, even if it sets him back. That's not healthy. He's just too much of a people pleaser to speak up about it. The break up brought this to light for Andrew so they can work through it and builds a much healthier relationship this time.

Thank you for listening to my rant.

Last updated June 10, 2021