Stars Aligned

Insert 71

Lisa's pov

The next morning I woke up with my husband's arms draped around my body. I think I overslept, or Ronnie and Snakes woke up early because Ronnie was nowhere in sight and Snakes was gazing into space, lost in thoughts. I put my hand on his chest to gain his presence. Snakes turned his head and looked at me with a small smile, my heart ached. It was the hardest thing to do to watch my husband so hurt and vulnerable.

This wasn't the man I was used to, this one was so tired and broken. I was used to the hard and dominating Mndeni. He was resilient and guarded. I hated to see him hurting and knowing there was nothing I could do to help him. Everything just seemed to remind me of how we had separated years ago, of how I left him when he needed me the most. Makes me wonder how he was without me after he woke up from the coma. I know me picking up and leaving him out of anger was wrong and I wish I could turn back time but I can't.

I guess I was too angry to comprehend what was right and what wasn't. And too hurt by him to allow any reasonable explanation he had. I knew he didn't know, I knew he didn't hurt me intentionally but I left either way. I left because it was so hard to accept that I had lost to my mother. I had lost and she was right no one could love a damaged girl like me, and they would eventually hurt me or leave me. And I chose to leave before he could because I thought he had actually done it, he had hurt me.

Now, as I am looking at the man in front of me, I'm thinking, I don't deserve him. The love he has for me, I don't deserve it. I hurt him and I was too selfish and ignorant to acknowledge it. And I planned on rectifying that mistake. I was going to make sure I get my man back, to the same person he was before everything ruined him. It wasn't going to be easy, and he wasn't going to go back to how he was entirely. But he would know he has me and his family with him so he wouldn't feel like he had lost in this world. Like I had felt before, he wasn't about to feel how I felt when I left.

Me: Where is your daughter?
I draw circles around on his bare chest, loving how warm his skin was against my palm. He chuckled, but I knew it wasn't from his heart.
Snakes: Jade and Lungi fetched her in the morning to play.
I nodded. We stayed quiet for a while until I decided to break the silence.
Me: How long have you been awake?
Snakes: I don't know, probably in the early a.ms. I can't seem to find sleep.

I felt bad because here I was sleeping soundly in the arms of my husband feeling comfortable and safe while he felt helpless and insomniac. There's nothing I couldn't do to had traded places with him at that time.
I sat up straight and rested my head against the headboard. Snakes lowered his head and placed it on my lap as he curled up under the sheets into a ball. How vulnerable. I brushed his hair with my fingers, soothing his head.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I hurt you. Forgive me?

Snakes turned to look at me, he opened his mouth to say something but I beat him to it. I knew he didn't feel like it was my fault but I knew better. The best way to make someone feel better and loved was to acknowledge their existence, efforts, and actions. Tell them how much they meant to you. And if me apologizing for what happened years ago was going to do the part then I was prepared to do it. But I was also apologizing because I needed to, I wanted to because I was wrong.

Me: Do you remember the day you came to the house. It was the second time we were meeting. I was this vulnerable and scared girl. You caught me eavesdropping on James and his friend. Gosh, you scared the crap out of me that day, I mean I was already jumpy.
I chuckled, remembering when he just popped out of nowhere behind me and almost had my cover blown. He was so good-looking, like always. But he was intimidating as well. His aura and posture just screamed danger.

Me: I didn't know what you saw in me or what you wanted from me, but you wanted it.
Because who the hell kisses someone else's wife in their own home.
Snakes' lips twitched a little and I leaned in to kiss them, hmm so soft and smooth. He was listening to me attentively.
Me: I felt something that day, something I wasn't supposed to feel as a married woman. It was wrong but it felt so right.
I smiled thinking about how dominant he was towards me as he told me he would come back for me.

Me: Somehow you knew that I wasn't meant to be there, that place wasn't for me. You came back and I thought what in the world was wrong with this man, did he have a death wish or something. At that time I was so scared of James that nothing made sense and I trusted no one was going to be able to get me out of that situation until you came. Until you stood in front of that man and shielded me from his evil ways.
My face was now passive and I knew the waterworks were on their way.

Me: I don't know how many times you saved me from harm's way. I don't know many times you stood by me and restored my self-confidence. You did it, you loved me and showed me that not every man was a monster like James. And I left you when you did one thing wrong that you weren't even in control of. I need to know if you forgive me because I need it right now. I need to feel like the woman you had faith in back then, the one who could do anything with you by her side because I feel so helpless right now.

The tears slid down my face, falling under my chin and on my chest. Snakes looked at me without speaking and it made me feel so cautious and exposed but I needed to let it out. Now I felt like I was worthless as I couldn't even help my own husband. I couldn't help the only person who took me in and loved me when I was down and dirty. I was James trash but when I met him, I was treasured. I wiped the tears but more came.
Me: I don't want to fail, I don't want to fail with you.

Snakes got up and pulled me to him but I didn't want him to comfort me right now. I needed to comfort him because he was the one hurting right now so I pulled away from him and waited for him to tell me he forgave me. I placed my hands on either side of his face and made him look at the plea in my eyes. The desperation swam within them. Snakes clenched his jaw and I watched him bite his lip in contemplation.
Snakes: I forgave you a long time ago, but do you forgive me for what I did to you?

I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him for dear life. That's all I needed to hear from him, to say he forgave me. Snakes picked me up and made me straddle him on the bed. He nuzzled his face in my neck.
Me: I forgave you a long time ago.
I knew he also needed to hear it. It's funny how we never spoke about our separation and acted like it didn't happen. We paid too much focus on our child and neglected the only thing that made us part ways in the first place. I loved this man and I was going to do anything in my power to make sure he was happy and content.