The Hookup

Fifty two

I hear Hero come in to check on me. And does it make me the worst girlfriend ever to just act like I'm asleep? Probably. But I'm too mentally exhausted to care.

Over one million people in this city and I happen to see the one I'd do anything to never see again. And not only that, but now apparently I'm working with him come Friday.

I hate feeling like this. Like I'm sinking into a dark hole that will take forever to crawl out of. It's not fair. It's not fucking fair that I have to act like the bigger person. Act like what he did to me doesn't still hurt my heart. Maybe it's a sign of weakness, but I'd say I like to think of it as a sign of human nature. The heart doesn't heal overnight.

It's not fair to Hero that I've shut him out since I've been home. He did so much for me today, excited to have me return, doing things like my fucking laundry and I repay him with silence. But I can't get out of my head. And honestly, I kind of want to stay here for a while if I can. Its been a while since I've had a chance to visit.

When Marvin and I broke up, after the whirlwind of exposing the cheating, having it confirmed, packing my shit up and searching for a warm place to live, I underwent a lot of emotional distress. I wasn't myself. I skipped meals, went days without even changing my clothes, let alone showering. I put up dark curtains to block out any light from entering the apartment after I'd lived there for a while. I went days without speaking to my parents, ignoring theirs and Myra's calls for days on end.

Although I wasn't properly diagnosed or even took the time to set up a meeting with a doctor or therapist, I know I was depressed. And on top of that, I suffered from the odd panic attack now and again if I didn't have anything like work keeping me busy.

The last time I had one was New Year's Eve when we ran into each other at the bar. Just the sight of him out on the town, laughing, drinking, dancing.. living his life as if I never even existed did something to me that night and once again I took it out on Hero. Ran from the hotel right after he kissed me. Not bothering to give him an explanation. I just needed to breathe.

Over the last few months, since we've been together, I haven't thought about that douchebag Marvin once. Never even crossed my mind. Hero's been nothing short of perfect from the get go; breaking me out of my shell, taking me out to do fun things whenever I have a day off, curling up on the couch with me and opting to stay in when I've had a long day. Cooking meals, keeping up with the apartment, paying bills that he insists he wants to to help out with. Taking me on a vacation to Florida because the week prior I had mentioned that I was missing the beach.

Fast forward to this afternoon, seeing Marvin pulled me right back down. Seeing him step off that elevator dressed in an expensive suit and tie, head held high like he owned the damn place, shaking hands with people and being introduced as some high profile New York City Doctor when all I see is a liar and a cheat.

I can't stomach the idea of having to see him from day to day. The possibility enough to make me want to curl into my own skin and just disappear.

"Call me if you need anything.."

His words from earlier still replay in my mind. His words of advice on how to care for my injury as well. I wanted so badly to just tell him to go to hell. Scream out how much I hate him and ask him if he has any clue, whatsoever the kind of damage he's caused me to endure. But I didn't. I shut my mouth and pretended like everything was fine all the while I was an emotional wreck on the inside.

I cried a little when I first laid down. Curled so far under the covers that they consumed me from the outside world, and just let the tears fall. One reason being it'd been a really shitty day and half of it hadn't even happened yet, but mainly I just cried because I hadn't in a really long time.

I hadn't needed to. Not when Hero's been distracting me from all the lows that would have happened if he weren't here. I appreciate it, him, more than he'll ever know. I don't want to close myself off to him like I did in the beginning. Like I feel my body and mind begging themselves to do right now.

He's repeatedly confirmed that he's here for me. He came back for me and wanted to really give this a shot. After only one night together and a really shitty phone conversation the following week. He's never given me a chance to think he's anything but truthful with good intentions (okay.. except the morning after we hooked up and I booked it out of his hotel room like my ass was on fire) but that was a mistake on my part.

I know I need to explain to him why I'm acting the way that I am. What made me relapse into depressive mode today before I came home. The truth is.. I'm just scared. I'm scared that one of these days, he'll finally get tired of trying to reassure me that I'm the one he wants. That I'm not good enough.