The Hookup

Ninety four

Hero

I'm not an early riser. But have been lately. Trying to keep myself occupied with things other than what's swirling around in my head.

I've also never been a work addict. But here I sit, on the bed of my hotel with my laptop on my legs, halfway working, halfway watching the sunrise through the window.

It's been four days since I've last seen Jo. Four days since I've seen her, touched her, kissed her. Fuck. Four days since I've even heard her voice.

I've been giving her space. That's what she asked for, after all. Not wanting to pressure her into seeing me. As much as I'm dying to see her.

When I left the apartment, I didn't know where else to go. I hardly know anyone in the city and I wasn't about to burden Dan. He has his life. He has a wide. A pregnant one at that. And the fact that she's best friends with Jo practically made my decision for me. So, I hailed a cab and I checked into the Westgate Hotel. In the same very room I first slept with her.

Call me a glutton for punishment. I guess I don't fucking care. Because in that moment, I ached to have any piece of her I could hold on to and since then, I haven't left. Room service plates and empty plastic cups still stained with whisky litter nearly every surface of the room. My clothes strung about and a mess I've created inhabit the walls around me. I'm a mess. A functioning mess. And all I can do is forge on.

I didn't even loose my shit this bad when my girlfriend of a year cheated on me back home. I just picked myself up, booked a flight and came to the city early for Dan's wedding. That was exactly six months ago.

Shit. Now I'm getting in my feelings. Looking around the room, I block out the mess I've made and flickers of the night Jo and I had in here resurface once again. I had sex with her in this very bed. For the first time. And definitely not the last. The way she looked that night is fucking engraved into my brain. Like a photograph for the ages.

Just as I find myself staring off into the distance as the sun peaks higher above the buildings just outside, my phone begins to vibrate beside me. Sucking in a deep breath, I close my eyes and lean back against the bed frame. Letting out a deep breath before reaching for it.

It's most likely my mother. She's been calling non stop. Asking if we landed okay and if everything went okay on the flight home. I don't have the stomach to tell her how things went when we touched down. The fact that I single handedly fucked up my relationship since I've been back. Or rather, since we went there in the first place.

While rubbing the sleep from one eye, I absentmindedly reach for my phone with the other. I've slept like shit the last few nights. I'm tired, yeah, but more than anything, I just miss falling asleep next to her.

On autopilot, I hold my phone up to my face, expecting to find someone back home ringing me this early. However, my eyes widen through their sleepy haze when my gaze finds Jo's name instead.

My phone is buzzing in my hand. Almost incessantly and I tighten my grip around it to make it seem real.

I know it's only been four days. But four days without her is bound and determined to kill me. I can't tell if this is a dream and I have yet to wake up.

Huffing out a deep breath, I sit up a little in bed, sliding the laptop off beside me and run my fingers through my hair. This isn't a FaceTime call, but dammit, I'm a bit nervous. Even if it is just to hear her voice.

Licking my lips, I take one last look at the screen in front of me, confirming that it is indeed her, and swipe right to answer the call. 

...

I wait a beat. Swallowing a few times to get my voice to come out. Hearing car horns and talking on the other side.

"Hello?" My voice is timid. Involuntary. But still..

"H-Hi," Jo's voice comes through the speaker and I silently let out a breath of relief. She didn't butt dial me. Thank Christ for that.

"Hi," I let my smile flow through the speaker because I'm so fucking happy she's reaching out. Even if I have no idea what this call is about.

"How.. are you?" Her voice sounds timid and a little bit shaky. Like she's scared to know the truth. To be honest, I'm embarrassed with how I've been living here at the hotel, as I glance around at the mess surrounding me. Like I said.. not my proudest moment.

"I'm good," I hold my breath for a second. "You?"

"I'm alright."

I nod my head, even though she can't see me. I don't know what she's had to deal with since I left the apartment a few nights back, but hearing her voice is enough to let me know she's okay.

Another beat passes and I hear a car horn that sounds far too close to her and then disappear into the distance. She's no doubt out on to the town this early in the morning.

I push my hand over my eyes as I relax into bed, saying the one thing that's been on my mind.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

We speak at the same exact time.

"Jo.."

"No, Hero. I need to say this," she states and her voice sounds more sure of herself that she's ever been. At that fact, I let her speak. "I'm sorry for the way that I spoke to you. For the things that I said.."

"Baby.." my voice softens but she keeps forging on.

"But I'm not sorry for the point that I was trying to make."

I beat passes where I feel like the dawn of time has flashed before my eyes. Slowly, I rise until I'm sitting at the edge of the bed, my elbows on my knees, my phone pressed to my ear, as I listen to her heavy breathing on the line and feel my breath beginning to pick up.

This can't be how we end this. I can't lose her over this.

Just as my mind begins racing, trying to piece together something, anything, intelligible to say, she beats me to it and I'm hanging on every word.

"I meant what I said about wanting space, Hero. I think that you and I both know I deserve that.."

"Okay," is all I can think to say. So quietly, I wouldn't be surprised if she even heard me.

"This isn't me breaking up with you. If anything, I'm trying to make things better between us. Figure out my own shit...okay?" Her voice is so hopeful. I can't help but let out my very own sigh of relief.

If anything, our relationship has always been a thing of trust. And I trust now that still remains the same.

I get what she's saying. There has always been things that Jo needed to face that maybe I just stood in the way of. Distracted her from dealing with. I'm man enough to realize that fact.

One thing I'm not about to do is shred this fucking olive branch she's extended because I'm too self righteous to understand what she's really asking of me. Which is no doubtably the last thing I want to do. But I know deep down, it needs to be done.

"When you're ready, you let me know." I say to her and close my eyes as I let my words linger.

"I will," she says and I feel my lips curve up in a smile, wishing I could see her say them.

Another few moments pass and we sit both silently, me listening to the sounds around her, wherever she is, and her hearing nothing but silence on my side. As much as I don't want to, I feel a sense of peace. Not just because I heard her voice on the other side of the phone. When it was the last thing I expected. But because I know what she's trying to tell me without her having to succumb to the words.

And because I know, without a doubt, I'd wait until I was old and grey to see her again. Because she's telling me, without actually telling me, that she's trying to work on herself. To make this between us work. And so when she hangs up and I listen to nothing but silence come from where her voice just was, I don't crumble and sink down to my knees. Wishing I could see her just one last time.

Instead, I look out over the city as it illuminates in sunlight. Because soon enough, I'll hold her again.