The Search Is Over

Chapter 23

Chapter 23: I Wish It Would Rain Down

Not only had Dora returned alone, she did not look happy. Her expression was tired and pensive. "What happened," Regulus asked in a rush before Dora could speak. He was near to bursting with anxiety, and this didn't look good.

Dora sighed, sinking down onto the edge of the red overstuffed armchair in which she usually preferred to sit. "It was the strangest thing...though considering I'm dealing with wizards and magic, I truly should not be surprised." Regulus felt his own eyes widening at her unexpected words, but he remained silent as she explained. "I saw number eleven Grimmauld place and number thirteen Grimmauld place but no twelve! There was no sign of a house being demolished either! What could that possibly mean?"

Regulus struggled for words through the shock and misery that suddenly warred for space in his heart and mind. "It's...It...It probably means that Kreacher and my mother want nothing to do with me. They don't want me to find my way home...because...because I only bring death and disaster with every choice I attempt to make." Though he was not one to cry, tears of purest misery sprang to his eyes as he struggled for breaths that he technically no longer required. It hurt so much that in that moment it seemed the pain would never stop. His constricted chest hurt, struggling not to cry hurt and knowing that Kreacher was justifiably done with him really really hurt, leaving him feeling more alone than he ever imagined was possible. He deserved it all, though. Oh how he hated himself for managing to ruin everything! "I told him I'd return...and he apparently didn't want me to," Regulus concluded. Now he understood Mortis's lack of success in delivering the letter as well. Shoulders slumping he huddled in on himself, Dora's look of sudden understanding and sympathy somehow making it even worse. He didn't deserve kindness after all that he'd managed to ruin.

"Would he really be upset enough to hide the house from you," she asked.

Regulus let out a short bitter laugh that was entirely devoid of humor. "Well, let me see. I nearly got him killed by literally sending him off with Voldemort who tried to drown him in a lake of Inferi, then I decided the Dark Lord had to be stopped and got my father killed and my cousin and her man and his brother head fucked. I probably put my mother in danger as well. Everyone who loved or trusted me suffered to put it mildly. Isn't that enough?"

"Well, when you put it that way," Dora said faintly.

"I really appreciate you trying to take Kreacher the letter, and I am extremely glad that the attempt did not get you killed," he told her, meaning it. "You as well," he added to Mortis. The black phoenix briefly rested his head against Regulus's cheek from his spot on the young man's shoulder. "If you don't mind terribly, I think I shall retire early," Regulus told Dora who nodded.

"I understand. You need some time alone. If you need anything...Well...Honestly I tend to be a rather depressive person myself so likely I am not the best at giving comfort, but if you need it I will do my best. Just don't expect too much," Dora said, giving an uncomfortable chuckle.

"Well I'm bad at anything that matters so I shall be the last to judge," Regulus promised. "And thank you, Dora."

She nodded. "Sure...Good night, Regulus. It does get easier...some days."

Regulus nodded, though he was unable to imagine it ever getting better without Kreacher at his side. He wanted to ask Dora what depressed her, but tonight he knew he couldn't properly give whatever support she may need on the matter. He would ask when he felt he could be the friend she deserved were she in need of support. Right now he didn't even have it for himself.

Upstairs in his room, Regulus sat on the lid of his closed coffin. The darkness surrounding him could've been soothing were his heart not being cut into shards of misery with every breath and every thought of the loss for which only he was to blame. Eventually it occurred to him that Mortis may not appreciate sitting in the dark, though, so he asked the bird if he wanted the light and the phoenix shook his head. "I honestly don't even know why you're staying with me," Regulus told him. "I obviously ruin anyone who gets close. Better get out while you are still breathing." Rising from his coffin, he moved to the window and opened it. Silently Mortis shook his head and with a sigh, Regulus closed it again. At least he'd tried. "It hurts so much, Mortis," he couldn't help saying, even though he doubted the phoenix could relate to such human pain born out of such stupid human mistakes. Funny...Well almost funny, not quite funny considering, Regulus had once believed himself above such stupid human mistakes. Regulus had once believed himself to be far more intelligent than most humans, just as he believed Kreacher to be far more intelligent than other elves. Gods it hurt so much! "I miss him so much, Mortis...I wish you could've known him...HE was...is so wonderful. He just won't be for me again because I don't deserve it." Crumpling to the floor he finally allowed the tears of abject misery to flow down his cheeks. He wished he could die to end this beyond painful suffering. He was not too weak to end it. Indeed no. He simply felt he did not deserve the escape of responsibility that death would provide him. Soon the impending sunrise drove him into his coffin. As he opened the lid, Mortis flew to land on the curtain rod, tucking his head under one wing for his own sleep. During his slumber, Regulus discovered something new. He learned that vampires could dream. He had many dreams of Kreacher throughout that day. Each involved Kreacher telling him what a bad master Regulus he was or trying to kill him for what he had done to Bella and the Lestranges. Only Kreacher was unaware that he was a vampire and kept stabbing him, not realizing that a vampire could not be killed so easily. The effort frustrated them both. Regulus woke feeling even more miserable if that were possible.

He considered remaining in his room so that he could be miserable without inflicting himself on Dora, but recalling her words about the necessity for a new vampire to feed, he knew she would not allow it. Sighing he headed downstairs, Mortis flying along at his side.

"Tonight we are working on your mental filters," Dora greeted briskly. "I understand that you don't really want to do anything, but things still need doing and you can definitely use the distraction right now. And who knows? Perhaps in a few weeks or months, Kreacher's heart will soften toward you. He will calm down and begin to miss you and the close friendship you have. I'm sure it counts for something."

Regulus hoped so but right now it didn't feel as if anything good would ever truly happen to him again. He understood how unnecessarily dramatic this sounded so did not speak it aloud though it was truly, with no exaggeration, how he felt. Mortis trilled and Regulus understood the phoenix's meaning through the thought concepts he gleaned from the bird's mind. The black phoenix pointed out that Regulus had been through a lot lately and that a soul could only take so much battering. Voldemort's betrayal, nearly losing Kreacher, watching his family have their minds twisted, having his father die before his very eyes, dealing with the lake of Inferi, drinking the evil potion, even becoming a vampire. It was a lot and Regulus needed to allow himself time to recover according to the bird. Regulus knew this sounded right, but it still felt impossible at the moment. He did smile and nod to Mortis and Dora, though, because both meant well and they were both more than he deserved. Once on the street, Dora instructed him to fully shield his mind then to open a crack in it through which he could examine one or two minds at a time. "You can look into a person's mind to see what they are about, then look away if they are not a suitable meal, then continue the process," she instructed. "If you are unable to look at one or two minds at a time and more filter in, just stop and fully shield again and we will take it from there."

To his surprise, Regulus found the slight opening in his shield to scan one or two minds easily managed. It took around fifteen minutes of reading people to find a man who hurt children. He ended him and felt nearly high from the knowledge that he kept himself alive while saving innocent children from future harm as well as avenging those already harmed. Regulus knew that he did not deserve to live, of course, but he did deserve to be punished. Hopefully living with the agony of his losses was a fitting punishment. Not only that, though, he knew he should do his part to make the world a better place because he owed many debts that could never truly be repaid. Dora praised his amazing progress and he smiled, unable to help being a bit pleased at that. Kreacher would be so proud...The fleeting thought stabbed him more sharply than the knife Kreacher had used on him in the nightmare. No, Kreacher would not be proud of him, because Kreacher hated him and did not wish to see him. He did not resent the elf for this, because he knew he deserved it. If only knowing that he deserved it made it hurt less.