The Search Is Over

Chapter 160

Chapter 160, The Future, The Past

It was nearly a relief for Kreacher when the children at last went up to bed. This left him free to quietly excuse himself. Regulus remained behind in the library with his parents, watching as they played a game of chess. When Ariana had first tethered the spirits of Walburga and Orion to their former home, they'd had trouble moving objects. Through much hard practice, they'd eventually gotten stronger. Now they could handle moving smaller items such as chess pieces.

Normally Kreacher would've enjoyed watching the game as much as his dear Regulus, but at present too many thoughts were racing through his mind for that. He needed to be alone to think... to feel only himself in the room. Perhaps if he spent time alone with himself, he would give himself the answers he was practically certain that he did not have. His mother seemed to believe otherwise, though, unless he had somehow misunderstood her on that...Which he clearly had not.

His emotions swung between awed and touched to have spoken to his parents, and hurt that they did not seem to feel he was doing his best. He was a good elf, after all. His hands curled into fists of resentment at his sides as he entered the bedroom he shared with Regulus. Even in death, parents expected something all the time, it seemed, he thought darkly. Expected things Kreacher did not know, and thus could not provide. "Unfair," he muttered sullenly. But they were protecting him even in death, and that counted for something, didn't it? Only if he could not sort out what his mother thought he should sort out in himself, what if the effort of his precious parents was wasted? He glared at the far wall of the room where newspaper clippings of Voldemort used to reign supreme. Much had changed but had it improved?

He'd believed so, but if more danger was on the way, it was only a false sense of security. Danger was on the way, and Kreacher must make changes that he felt unable to make due to a complete lack of necessary knowledge. Too much was hidden. Kicking suddenly at the thick, dark green carpet with one toe, he gave way to a silent snarl of frustration. Turning, he moved to stand before the full length mirror beside the chest of drawers where Regulus's comb and brush rested. Dearest Master Regulus had such pretty hair, he thought. He ran the tip of a forefinger over one of the silken tresses that was caught in the bristles of the silver backed brush. This made him forget that he'd wanted to be alone, and he missed Regulus. He'd come up here to search himself for answers, though, so search he must. Here, alone with himself, there were no distractions...No distractions that was, if he stopped distracting himself with Master Regulus's hair.

Sighing, he turned willfully to face himself in the mirror, staring searchingly into his own eyes. "Kreacher is free," he stated to his reflection. Did he believe that? He thought so, but...but his mother perhaps did not, so he repeated it again. "Kreacher is free!" Didn't he believe it? He truly thought so. Just in case there was any bit of him that he'd never seen before that did not, he decided to add more information that such a hidden part of himself might find useful. "Kreacher is the master of #12 Grimmauld Place."

Then after a few seconds of feeling no internal change he continued. "Kreacher knows that he did not always feel free. Kreacher knows this was due to a curse. Kreacher knows that he was always beloved and respected by his family, and that they never intended him ill will. Kreacher knows that his family, his former master and mistress support his freedom. Kreacher wishes to be with Ma...With Regulus." He leaned closer to the mirror, peering intently into his own large, blue eyes. His nose nearly grazed the cold glass of the mirror, and the breath that he did not truly need to breathe fogged up the glass as it escaped his lungs in small short bursts.

He saw nothing in the glass but himself staring searchingly into his own eyes with no helpful answers. He gave a silent scowl of frustration that the mirror silently reflected back at him. "Kreacher does not know how to erase the memories of being cursed, if this is what is needed," he grumbled. Did these memories make it easier to revert under the right...or wrong circumstances? If so what did his mother expect him to do about that? Or was he missing something? Was there some deep inner fault within himself? Glaring, he stared harder into the glass, searching for he knew not what.

"Mum won this time, which is a pity, because I bet on Father," Regulus said as he entered the room. "What are you doing anyway," he wondered.

Kreacher sighed. "Kreacher doesn't know," he replied glumly. After a second he added, "Kreacher supposes he was trying to understand what his parents wish for him to do. He was failing."

Regulus chuckled softly as he approached the elf. "Join the club. I'm no Basilisk. Didn't you notice?" He slipped his arms around Kreacher's shoulders. Sighing, Kreacher leaned back into him, closing his eyes to escape the unhelpful mirror.

"Master Regulus is quite the king," he assured.

"We both know that I've done a dreadful job of anything that makes a good king," Regulus said. Kreacher's lips tightened. He hated to hear that bitter tone in his Regulus's voice. "Master Regulus could've been so much more...should've been," he said sadly. "But he can still be, and this he needs to remember." Perhaps it was the brief influence of his parents, but Kreacher was feeling wiser today, at least at the moment. "If things had not happened to break Kreacher's proud Regulus, he would be quite the king. He should remember himself before those things and be that self."

"And you," Regulus suggested gently. "What if slavery, the curse that was slavery, broke who Kreacher's soul was? What if his parents wish for him to remember his soul's natural power?"

Kreacher was still as he allowed that concept to percolate through his mind. Each word was like a strand he had to grasp before it faded away to nothing and thus became forgotten. If he forgot, perhaps Master Regulus could remind him, but then again whatever curse gripped them could cause Master Regulus to forget as well. For weren't they both cursed in truth, if there was a curse? "Kreacher and Regulus could both try to remember their natural souls," Kreacher said almost hesitantly.

"What if we make mistakes that cause more...pain," Regulus asked. He spoke in a near whisper, as still and unmoving as stone at Kreacher's back. "I am not at all certain that we could handle more." Kreacher made a low sound of agreement, then allowed the silence to stretch out as they both considered. Eventually he was the first to speak. "Still there may be no choice."

"Alright," Regulus murmured after a long moment of hesitation. It would've been easier to say no more on the matter, but then nothing would change. "What will we do," Kreacher asked. Regulus considered silently for several seconds before replying.

"I shall read about all the great kings that I can find books on," he decided.

"What is Master Regulus looking for," Kreacher asked.

"For what makes a good king," Regulus replied dryly. "Because I am not certain that I have any bloody idea."

"Kreacher shall focus more on listening to his natural instincts," he decided. "He shall also make more time to go out into nature and explore it...To try to connect to it in some way. In case elves are connected to the fae via these aspects of nature, perhaps Kreacher can find more of his natural self by exploring all of nature's aspects. He can also read of kings with Master Regulus."

"Those are brilliant ideas," Regulus said, and Kreacher smiled to hear the sound of the smile in Regulus's voice. Regulus's approval meant everything, and it would always mean everything, but Kreacher did not believe this made him not a free elf. Regulus felt the same way about Kreacher's approval, after all. It was merely a mark of their high regard of and love for one another. "Would you like me to go with you," Regulus asked hesitantly. "Out into nature, I mean. Or would I be in the way of your attempt to connect more deeply to that part of your magic?"

"Master Regulus is never in the way, and of course he should come along with Kreacher," the elf said at once. Perhaps these magical explorations in nature would be done better on his own, and perhaps not, but he wasn't about to find out. He missed Regulus when they were apart for more than five minutes, and he knew Regulus felt the same. Besides, what if they were separated and something dreadful happened?

"Well then, I shall gladly come along, and I promise not to distract you," Regulus said. Bending, he kissed the tip of Kreacher's right ear. "For now, though, there isn't a tree or blade of grass in sight, so if you'd like to be distracted, I am entirely available." Kreacher was faced with a choice. He could continue to brood about his parents and what may be expected of him in the future, or he could enjoy this time with the one he loved most. He opted for the later. After all, it was Christmas.