The Search Is Over

Chapter 123

Though it was freeing to be aware of what had led everyone into their mistakes, finding a way into new opportunities was easier realized than accomplished as it were. Knowing that he needed his own fire was very different from knowing where the hell to find it.

While the very awareness that he needed to find it was a huge revelation, more was required to truly progress, heal and find true inner strength. Fire was passion, and other than Kreacher, Regulus simply didn't feel passionate about much. It was as if that black lake had put out his inner fire for good. Though this truly felt like a fact, he didn't logically accept it. He had to continue to dig among the coals of his soul until something sparked.

The things he used to feel passionate about were no longer applicable so it seemed he'd truly have to start from scratch. Once he'd very much wanted to fight for wizarding rights, which had spawned the appeal of Voldemort. With the Muggles growing in numbers as well as technological advancements, however, doing anything to restore wizarding power would put many more wizarding lives at risk even if they were to win.

Wizards were far fewer than Muggles and they couldn't afford such losses. Though Gellert Grindelwald was alive with his youth restored, and fully capable of resuming his plans to put wizards back on top, the blonde had lost interest for the same reasons. Regulus would have to be careful with that even if Gellert ever changed his mind, though. Otherwise, he could be stealing Grindelwald's fire just as they had Voldemort's back in the day.

It didn't matter that Grindelwald was his friend and would never turn on him. Regulus now understood that his success and fuel for life should NEVER hinge on what someone else was doing with their dreams and life goals. When you stole someone else's fire, your success hinged on them. If they failed, you failed, because the success was never yours anyway. If they turned on you instead, as Voldemort had done, you were left with less than nothing.

No man was an island, though, and sharing a project or goal did not have to mean sharing fire. Regulus believed the key to that was having one's own specialty which could make a person irreplaceable. If one had a specialty and was part of a shared goal, if the goal failed the specialty or skill was still theirs to be used elsewhere. After Voldemort Regulus had felt like nothing and less than nothing for many reasons. Were he to find his own fire, he would never lose it so easily. It's easy to lose something that does not belong to you, after all, but what's yours is yours forever.

Before Regulus could have anything, though, he had to find it. One usually discovered their passion...their fire by going toward what they were drawn to or fascinated by, but nothing truly drew Regulus after the lake. He wanted to believe that most of his disinterest was due to the potion still inside of him, but he knew some of it was just him.

That's why he knew he had to work on his own mental healing while he waited for the goblin healers to return to do the rest. The distractions of travel could only work for so long if he didn't find something deeper to care about. He'd believed that watching Kreacher flourish as he crafted items with Blaise and Gellert and writing horror stories was enough. Watching Kreacher flourish would not get rid of the depression, though, and the depression hurt Kreacher so it had to go. Even if Regulus still felt he deserved it, it had to go.

A passion for a thing, that inner fire of purpose would go a long way toward helping with that so Regulus invested much time in pondering the matter.

It was beyond frustrating that no matter how much thought he put into it, Regulus couldn't come up with a single topic or long term activity that he found extremely stimulating! It was ridiculous! He didn't believe that there was nothing at all he would have a passion for doing. It wasn't that. He knew something had to be out there for him to...sink his teeth into as it were, he just had no bloody idea what it was.