𝐌𝐢𝐚 𝐑𝐨𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐳. Even being born right next to the cruel and sick crime life never changed the charismatic and positive Mia who wanted to help change the messy world she formed part off.
Becoming a nurse at the age of 25 and joining her d...
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Massaging my scalp gently as I stand under the warm cascading water I make sure to reach every single spot. Then washing off the shampoo I take the cream and comb through my curls to keep them moisturized.
Last night's overthinking led me to the decision that I would dedicate the morning and most of the afternoon to myself (since it's been a while since I had a full day of me time) and I would meet with Carlos later. I deserved to rest after everything that happened yesterday.
When I got home after they called me about Mason's case I put my phone away to make sure I wouldn't lose my mind investigating him and sat on my bed to think, it really helped. I finally got the moment of peace I needed to analyze everything that had happened that day which was more than necessary.
My father got home from the clinic around 8 pm and came to find me to apologize once again. He acknowledged he shouldn't have brought that up at that moment and promised that he would not talk about it again if he wasn't asked for an opinion. That the decision was mine to take and whatever I went with he would support me. Of course, I couldn't keep being mad at him so I forgave him, we hugged it out and had dinner together.
I don't know how many times I wanted to look at my phone during that same dinner. Wondering if he had sent another message. Even when I was supposed to forget about him and focus on myself he wouldn't leave my head. Carlos has that power over me and I don't know how I feel about it... well I do, I love it but I also hate it.
My dad hadn't brought him up but I could tell he wanted to and I don't blame him, after everything that was said... by now he definitely knows that what Carlos and I have is far from professional and I'm sure he has a lot of questions, questions that I know I won't be able to hide from forever but I'm not ready to answer just yet. Because what if he asks me something I don't have an answer for? That something being if I love him... Let's be realistic, I don't think he would ask that, I was asking that myself.
Do I love him? That is the question that was also a big part of my overthinking yesterday. More for the one at night, when I laid over my bed staring at the ceiling in the dark.
The answer I came up with was basically that I have no idea. Do I have feelings for him? Definitely, I can't deny that, I even admitted it to him but how far do they go? Loving someone is different from any other emotion or feeling because when you love someone you are giving them everything you are, the rawest version of yourself. You are trusting them with your heart, handing it to them, and hoping they will keep it safe, that no matter what they will never let anyone nor themselves break it. But we all know that sometimes it doesn't work as we want it to work and that heart slips out of their hands crashing against the floor and breaking into the smallest of pieces, pieces you may never be able to put back together.
So the real question is, I am ready to do that? Give Carlos my heart and pray he keeps it as if it were his most precious possession. And would that be fair? Handing him something else he has to take care of when he already has so much over his shoulders? He, like me, has always put other people first. His mom, his brother... and after everything that has happened to him he deserves to put himself at the top of the list for once. I know that I really do but humans, at the end of the day, are selfish and I would lie if I said I don't want to be one of his priorities... as he is one of mine.
