Barely Breathing//Ethis

10||

Ethan's point of view:

"Jakob I don't understand why this is happening, do I really deserve this?" I ask Jakob running a hand through my already messy hair.

"No one deserves this Ethan, I'm just glad you're opening up about it" he replies turning down the volume on the TV and giving me his full attention.

"I mean Sarah said she never liked me, does that mean there are other people pretending to like me?" I ask worried, what if everyone hates me?

"Sarah said that in the heat of the moment, don't worry I'm sure she didn't mean it" he tries to reassure me

"Well she's trying her best to make me look like a self centred prick" I say quietly

"The true fans would never believe her, I mean most of them wanted to stab her anyway" Jakob smirks making me chuckle

"How are any of them meant to stick by us if there's still the ongoing Chris situation and now this?" I ramble on mainly talking to myself now

"The true ones will, Ethan even you know that." He says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Can we go see Chris today?" I ask changing the subject hopefully

"We've visited him everyday this week Ethan" Jakob rolls his eyes but he still has a smile plastered on his face

"So? He's my best friend, is there a problem with wanting to go see him?" I ask, I really need to come up with better excuses.

"No, no of course not," he smirks standing up "come on then let's go" an instant smile spreads across my face and I rush to the front door.

We decide that it's best we don't bother any of the adults so we just walk the distance there. It's not completely silent but the conversation isn't exactly high spirited either and the bitter coldness of the air is making the journey even more unpleasant.

We walk through the hospital and everything is fine until we to Chris' room and I can't bring myself to walk inside. Jakob turns and looks at me confused, I mean I am the one that's been begging to come see Chris and I can't even bring myself to walk into his room.

"I don't know if I can bring myself to tell him what happened and that the hate hasn't stopped yet." I confess to Jakob, his face softens to sympathy

"You don't have to tell him, not yet. We need to make sure he's getting better than we can slowly tell him little bits at a time because if we tell it all at once he could try something again." He says and I guess he's right, it's probably the best thing to do right now, he goes to walk inside but I stop him again

"There's something else I have to tell you," I start and he waits looking rather impatient "yesterday a doctor can in and showed me something, Jakob, Chris cuts" I say quietly wishing I didn't have to be the one to tell him this

"But I hav-" he begins

"On his thighs" I reply already knowing what he's going to say

"Oh" is all he says, in shock.

"I think it's best if neither of us brought it up though, he has to be ready to talk in his own time." I tell him and he nods in agreement and this time we both finally walk into Chris' room.

"Hey guys" Chris greets as he sees us

"Hey" I greet back pulling him into yet
another awkward hug, it's become a habit I guess I just love hugging him, he's the best hugger. I pull away and move aside clenching my jaw as Jakob hugs him too. I turn away and take a seat in one of the chairs pulling it beside the bed and by this time Jakob is doing the same.

"So uh, how do you feel?" Jakob asks the question that could determine wherever this conversation will go.

"I'm, I'm feeling better I guess. They have me on anti depressants and it's making me really tired and moody but it's helping so it's good." He replies staring down at the sickly white sheets that drape over the bed like a ghost.

"No Chris, how do you feel?" Jakob asks again

"I feel like shit Jakob, a few pills doesn't make what's going on up here go away straight away" Chris says tapping his temple softly

"Chris you know you can always confide in us" Jakob continues but that this point I have completely tuned out as what some people said about and to me begin ringing loud and clear in my mind. I don't understand how they can just attack me without hearing my side of the story. I thought they supported me through everything but, I guess I was wrong. We're losing everyone and I'm afraid we'll have no one left when and if this drama blows over. We could lose our entire fanbase because of my drama adding onto the present drama, I don't know if I could live with he guilt of wrecking Jakob and Chris' careers, they have so much potential and for it to be ripped from them with one stupid mistake I made is just cruel. Almost like this isn't real and it's just some weird childish prank that someone has tried to pull, it's sad because the media ruin the best of people, it drives them to their breaking point and if Chris reached that in a matter of mere weeks then it terrifies me that I'll meet the same fate as he has. It's already happening, I can feel it. I can feel myself changing into something I hate. Everything gets to me nowadays even the littlest things and I always fall down and there is never anyone to pick me back up. That's why I'm so determined to help Chris, to fix him, to pick him back up.

Part of me wouldn't change anything for the world because the one thing I want in life is to be famous, be known, to have my name in lights and maybe selling out stadiums like Madison Square Garden. I never wanted it to happen like this, I don't want to be famous for all of the wrong reasons. This is only the start of our career and if we're ready to throw in the towel before we've even made it big then what's the point? What's the point of the fame if all it does is leave you wide awake at night counting every mistake you've made, if all it does is give you emotional break downs in the bathrooms backstage at gigs because the pressure is too much, if all it does is make people hate you so much that you begin to hate yourself. If that is all fame does then I most definitely do not want to go down this path, I don't want to be the next child star gone wrong or the next child star tragedy, I don't want the media to taint my image of to distort who I am. They can try to, they can do whatever they want to me and they can damage me as badly as they want but they will never change who I am inside.