Barely Breathing//Ethis

85||

Chris' point of view:

"Ethan" I whisper nudging him with my head to which he lets out a small whimper

"Are you okay?" I ask concerned because of this reaction

He nods against my chest and pulls the covers further over himself "just a nightmare"

"You sure you're okay?" I question, what I now know from the journal leads me to believe that it probably wasn't 'just a nightmare'

"I know I'm okay with you" he mumbles sleepily

"I'm sorry Ethan" I apologise again

Ethan moves away slightly and smiles a sleepy no-teeth smile up at me, he blinks a couple of times and he opens his eyes wider to look up at me. His eyes look happy, but only for a second.

Then they go back to a sad brown, like he just remembered everything he was trying to forget the night before. He looks scared again and I don't know what to do.

"We need to get up," he breathes in deeply "gotta burn the book"

"Ethan, you're not even fully awake yet. Just wake up properly first, come on Bub, stay." I reply just as sleepily, reaching out and grabbing his arm "we have the whole day"

He sighs and gets back into bed

"You promise that we can burn it?" He asks as he plays with my shirt

"I promise."

"I'm sorry for losing the ring" he whispers

"I forgive you" I whisper back as I start to play with his hair

•••

"Have you got the matches?" Ethan asks me for probably the tenth time

"Yes, they're in my pocket." I reply helping him gather leaves and wood for he fire, we carry them over to the empty oil drum. We made sure it was clean of course, we don't want an explosion.

We dump the leaves and wood into the drum until we're satisfied that the fire will be big enough. I take the matches from my pocket and hold them out to Ethan.

We only put a little bit of petrol in with it all so hopefully it should work.

"Would you like to do the honours?"

He doesn't say anything, he takes the matches though and takes out a match. He lights it and holds it over the drum before letting it fall into the contents. It takes a minute or two for the fire to start and we added a few more matches to help build it up, but we're finally ready, well I am.

I watch Ethan walk over to where we left the notebook and a few of the pages and he picks them up and walks over to me.
He stands beside me and looks down at the fire now burning

"This is it."

Ethan takes one of the pages in his hand and holds it over the fire

"This is for everything you made me do" he says dropping the page and watching it burn.

He's talking to Jeremy, he's trying to let go and I'm so proud of him.

He picks up another page and looks at me, I nod towards the oil drum and he turns back around and takes a deep breath

"This is for everything you did to me." A tear rolls down his cheek and I quickly place my hand on his back hoping it's reassuring or comforting.

He burns all the loose pages and I thought he would just throw the notebook in after them, but he doesn't. He opens the notebook to what is now the first page and he tears it out. He screws it up into a ball and just rests his head on his hand for a few seconds. He looks back up and I spot another tear sliding down his cheek, that's when I remove my hand from his back and take his hand.

"Together." I nod

We burn the majority of the pages in the book until there are only a few pages left, I didn't say much. This is Ethan's. He needs to do this and whatever he says about it is just his way of healing and it doesn't really need a response, he just needs me here.

Ethan takes the notebook from me and looks at the remaining pages.

"This is the first time." He breathes in deeply, he's trying so hard not to cry. "This ruined my life. I didn't deserve this, no one does. So, this is for making me believe that it was my fault." He drops the notebook into the fire and I immediately wrap my arms around him. He stands side on so he can wrap his arms around me as well as keep his eyes on the notebook burning. I can feel his tears soaking into my shirt and all I can think to do is rub his back, no words are needed.

Only when the notebook is burnt completely does Ethan move. He steps away from me and almost loses his footing, I quickly catch him and scoop him into my arms. He doesn't object and wraps his arms around my neck to steady himself and he closes his eyes as I walk.

"I just feel a little dizzy, sorry" he explains, I nod not that he can see me, and I carry him inside and into the kitchen.

I set him down on one of the bar stools and walk around the kitchen counter to face him.

"I'm happy you finally did it, Bub" I smile

"Me too" he smiles back blinking back more tears

"Why the fuck do I smell smoke?" Jakob asks coming into the kitchen

Ethan laughs "because we burnt the notebook"

"Oh" Jakob exclaims turning to me and raising an eyebrow

"Yes, we did" I nod at him

"Well I'm going to go make sure you didn't set anything on fire" he announces walking into the backyard.

"Hey Chris," Ethan says getting my attention, I look back at him to see him looking the tiniest bit nervous "there's this party tomorrow night, do you want to go?"

"Wait, you actually want to go to a party? You know there's going to be lots of people there right?" I ask, I don't want it to end badly. I think I know what's best for him more than he does sometimes.

"Yeah, yeah I know. I just thought it might help me y'know?" he nods still looking at me hopefully

"We can go." I decide, instantly smiling when I see his smile spread across his face.

A/N: *doesnt update for 6 days* *updates disappointing chapter*