Barely Breathing//Ethis

13||

Ethan's point of view:

I haven't spoken to Chris in about two days and whenever he's around I do my best to avoid any kind of contact with him.
Everything's moving too fast, I can't do this. I'm not ready for this, for any of this.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about everything, this band, X Factor and whatever it is that Chris and I have together. This is exactly what he does to me; he toys with my emotions and makes me question everything, sometimes even myself and yet I find myself always going back to him.
The thing is I'd do anything for him if he asked me to, because I love him and the fact I'd do anything terrifies me.
I lie in the middle of my bed staring up at the ceiling, I could talk to him about it and we could probably work it out but I tend to run away from my problems, that's just who I am.

What if Chris decides that he isn't gay? Or that he just doesn't like me? What if he's just leading me on?

I'm scared of what might happen if he decides he does like me, where we're going to go from there. I don't know if I'm ready for a real relationship seeing as though I haven't been in one, I don't count what Sarah and I had. That was a distraction, nothing more. Can Chris and I even be together without anyone suspecting anything, we'd definitely have to be secretive. I didn't even want to tell Chris I'm gay and I certainly don't want to tell anyone else any time soon.

I don't know if I can do this, I've been hiding something else from the boys, something else that's major. Around when I auditioned for The Voice Kids last year I was suffering from severe depression and I was in a really bad place and as cliche as it sounds, when I met Chris he made me smile again, he gave me a purpose, a reason to keep going but now I'm scared it's coming back. Not to mention it hurts me to know that I couldn't save him like he saved me.

Chris' point of view:

"Jakob can I talk to you?" I ask him anxiously

"Sure, what is it? He asks

"I'd rather you sat down to hear this" I say seriously

"Is everything okay?" He asks growing concerned

"I don't know, that's the thing," I say sitting beside him "Ethan kissed me" I blurt out

"Oh" he says trying to process what I just said

"And I kissed back"

"Oh." He says putting two and two together

"The thing is he's scared, he ran away after we kissed and two days ago he told me he was gay but he was hysterical and now he's ignoring me. I don't know if I'm gay. I mean I do have some kind of obvious feelings for him, I'm just not sure. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, he's so fragile right now." I admit hoping that he can give me some kind of advise, if any.

"If Ethan's ignoring you it only means that he needs you now, more than ever. This has to be an incredibly tough time for him admitting something like that to you and he's only shutting you out because ultimately he's scared of rejection, make sure that you know exactly what you're feeling towards him before you go and make any moves." Jakob says, I'm glad he's taking this so well.

"Thank you, oh and please don't tell Ethan I told you. I'll figure out a way to tell him." I say standing and letting him return to whatever he was previously doing.

I walk up the stairs stopping at Ethan's door, he's crying. Not waiting another second I open his door seeing him huddled in the corner hugging his knees to his chest as a steady flow of tears stream down his face.

"Chris?" He chokes out

"Ethan what's going on?"

"Nothing, Chris please get out" he replies moving away

"No, not until you tell me what the hell is going on," I reply stubbornly, this time he ignores me "Ethan is that blood?"

"Get out Chris" he says ignoring my question, I take a few steps closer to him and I kneel in front of him

"Ethan" I say calming down now and reaching out to his arm

"Don't touch me!" He hisses struggling away from my grasp

"Ethan why would you do this?" I ask with tears welling up in my eyes as I look down at his very badly bandaged arm with blood seeping through it slowly

"Why does it matter it's not like I'm new to it or anything."

"Why would you-" I start but he cuts me off

"Because this is the only way I can deal with the pain" he says quietly

"What pain?" I ask

"You're so oblivious!" He snaps standing up

"I have depression Chris," he snaps standing up "I've had it for so long and you didn't even notice, that's why my parents are so protective! That's why when you tried to kill yourself I was so desperate to save you, because there was no one there to save me. That's why when you were first hospitalised my parents called me so much, because they were scared it'd trigger me and I'd try again and fuck, was I scared too but I didn't show it because I love you and I didn't want to dump all of this on you! I'm terrified Chris!" He yells breathing heavily as tears slowly fall from his cheeks.

"I love you too" I breathe crashing my lips onto his.

He puts one hand on my shoulder pushing himself up a little so he can kiss me back properly, so we're around the same height. I can feel his wet tears slowing but still falling, I pull away and I wipe them away with my thumb and smile at him.

I love him.

A/N: So I've been updating once a day for two days idk but I really wanted to publish that so I might make publishing once a day a thing because I've got no life yay