Barely Breathing//Ethis

26||

Jakob's point of view:

"Ethan, are you okay?" I ask walking into his room pushing his door open to see him slouched against his bed

"Yeah I guess" he mumbles not taking his eyes off the floor before him

"What's up?" I ask taking a seat next to him on the floor so we're both leaning against his bed

"I don't know, I'm just sad and yeah Chris wants to help me but I don't know if I can trust him again and besides I've been like this for as long as I can remember and to not be like this would be foreign to me. I hate this, but at the same time I don't know who I would be without it and everything is changing quickly and I don't know if I'm ready for it to, maybe I should just stay sad because at least then something would be familiar." Ethan states and his eyes glaze over as if he's deep in thought.

"Ethan it's not okay to feel like this, I know change is scary but if you let Chris help you you're going to feel so much better." I tell him

"I know that I'll feel better for maybe a little while, everything is temporary but this sadness is engraved into my soul, as crazy as it sounds, some twisted part of me likes my sadness, I-I'm scared I won't be anything without it. It makes me numb but somehow it makes me feel every emotion possible."

"Sometimes you just have to have faith and take a plunge into the darkness" I tell him, but his face doesn't change and he doesn't move, sometimes I wish I could just show him how great he is. He's getting careless and the fans are starting to notice, every little sad or depressing thing he says in our show only makes them worry, but he's stopped caring. I've lost count of the amount of jump cuts there are in our videos because we've had to cut out all the times Ethan has said something he probably shouldn't be saying on camera where all our fans could potentially see.

"Why did you kiss Lara?" I blurt out cringing at my words

"I don't know, I was sad and I was confused, it just happened." He says shaking his head lightly as if he's trying to get the very thought from his mind.

"That doesn't just happen Ethan, you're gay" I say a little too angry than I probably should have

"I know, how could I ever forget? There's all these voices saying I'll go to hell and no one will like me if they know I'm gay, I just wanted them to stop, for even a minute. So I kissed her. It was disgusting, not because of Lara but because it just felt so wrong. But the voices were quite and that's all I could think about." I don't get why he waits until he's on the verge of a mental breakdown to share his actual feelings and thoughts with someone, it's not healthy.

"Ethan there's nothing wrong with who you are, I've said this before; your sexuality doesn't define you. I know you're gay, I still like you" I remind him

"Not everyone's like you Jake, we're going to lose fans, support and maybe even opportunities because of me" he continues to object

"I don't care if we lose all of that, I want you to be happy with who you are. In your own skin." I smile but I keep my voice firm so he knows I'm serious

"Thank you" he whispers cracking a small smile

"Do you wanna come downstairs?" I ask cautiously

"I don't want to be alone right now" he nods pulling himself up and I do the same.

Chris' eyes immediately light up as soon as Ethan and I come into view. Ethan sits the furtherest away from Chris on the couch and an uncomfortable silence falls on the three of us.

"Do you want me to go?" I break the silence standing up

"No, don't" Ethan says trying to sound calm but the shakiness in his voice is noticeable, I take my seat back on the couch

"Okay."

"I remember my mum when I first was diagnosed telling me 'you can't love someone unless you love yourself first' bullshit, I have never loved myself. But you- oh god I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like." Ethan speaks looking Chris directly in the eye

"Ethan I love you, I would never intentionally hurt you-"

"But you did." Ethan cuts him off 

"I know and I'm so sorry, I just want to fix this-"

"Maybe you can't." Ethan cuts him off again narrowing his eyes coldly

"We need each other and if any part of you still loves me like you used to then you'll want to save this relationship as much as I do, please just trust me. I'll never let you down again." Chris says softly

Ethan stays quite this time.

"I-I can try."