Barely Breathing//Ethis

Epilogue

Jakob's point of view:

I can't believe it. Today is the day we say goodbye to Ethan. Only a few days ago was it that we were all smiling together and Chris and I were getting ready to leave to buy Ethan presents. Presents that he will now never receive.

Chris found him. He demanded that we go home after Ethan called him six or seven times. He was in a panic rambling on about how we must get back to Ethan and see if he's okay, he wasn't. He'd shot himself in the head.

When I walk into his room he's fixing his tie in the mirror, his eyes are glazed over with tears and his tie is perfect. He's just trying to stall.

"Chris," I say softly knocking on the doorframe and he turns to look at me "you ready?"

He takes a deep breath and glances back at himself in the mirror. 

"No" he looks back at me "but when will I ever be right?"

"Come on" I turn back to the door and he follows me downstairs where our parents are waiting for us.

"You look lovely" Mum places her hands on my shoulders with a smile, a sad smile.

"Thanks Mum" I don't smile back though, a day like this isn't a happy one.

We go in seperate cars to where the funeral is being held and in my car ride little words are spoken. No one knows what to say, no one has known what to say in the past few days. It's like our world stopped and the rest of the world keeps moving like we haven't just lost a bright, intelligent young man that still had so much more to offer the world. I suppose it would be different if he was taken from us in something like a car accident, something that there was no control over. But no, he chose to leave. I keep thinking that maybe there was something I could have done. Maybe if I listened to him more, made sure he knew I was there for him whenever he needed me things would be different. With each passing day it kills me more and more knowing that he just needed someone, if not Chris then maybe me. But neither of us were there when he needed us most and that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

"Jakob, honey, you've got to get out. We're here" Mum breaks me out of my thoughts, she's opened my car door and is looking at me with a sympathetic gaze. I'd been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed.

"Oh yeah" I unbuckle my seatbelt and get out the car

Mum puts her arm around my shoulder and kisses my head. This is hard on everyone, you never know how much someone has impacted your life until they're no longer in it anymore.

Mum, Dad, Mikaila and I all make our way to the front row and sit down next to Chris, Peter and Ingrid. Ryan and Tahlia are standing a few meters away surrounded by people. Part of me wasn't expecting Ryan to be here considering his views on Ethan and his life.

There's so many people here, everyone has come together for Ethan. There's people all scattered around talking in small groups, they're all talking about Ethan and remembering him in his best light. Family, friends, people have flown in from Victoria to be here for this. If only they'd been here for him when he was alive.

Chris is bouncing his knee up and down relentlessly and he's holding a folded piece, his eulogy. I feel around in my pockets and find my own.

Suddenly Chris stands up and he walks over to Ethan's coffin. I stand up too, with every intent of walking over and standing with Chris, but I'm stopped by a hand on my arm; Mikaila.

"Jake, not now"

I nod and sit back down, Mikaila moves her hand from my arm to my back.