Barely Breathing//Ethis

73||

Ethan's point of view:

"Ethan I'm sorry" Chris says desperately as he wraps his arms around my waist

"I know," I reply moving his arms away "I said it was fine"

I continue to cut up the apple in front of me just hoping that he'll drop this whole topic. What he said made me uncomfortable and I shouldn't have to explain for him to know that.

"Then why are you being like this?" He asks leaning on the bench

"You really don't understand do you?" I sigh taking a moment to glance at him

"Please enlighten me"

"It's not what you said, it's how you said it." I put the knife down now and turn to look at him

"Come on, Ethan you can't be serious" Chris groans

"Yes Chris, I am serious. You don't understand, you know what? Just leave me alone." I push past him and leave him in the kitchen

I run upstairs and into Jakob's room, he stands up as soon as he sees me and I tackle him into a hug.

"I want to give him what he wants, I really do" I whimper beginning to cry, I didn't even know it was making me this upset

"Just tell me what happened" he soothes, pulling away from the hug and sitting on the edge of his bed, motioning for me to join him.

"He's angry at me because I won't take things f-further, I want to make him happy but I-I can't do any of that. I thought it would be easier after we- you know, but it's not. And believe me, I want nothing but to make him happy and give him what he wants but he's not understanding that this is hard for me." I tell him through tears "it's not so much as what he said that made me uncomfortable it's how he said it"

"What did he say?" Jakob asks softly

"After I left your room I went back to his and he wouldn't get up, he pulled me onto him and said he wanted to stay like that all day. I told him I could feel it and he said: then you know what to do next." I sigh looking down at my hands 

"You know what to do next. You know what to do next. It's true, I have done something that revolves around that with-with Jeremy, but it doesn't mean I'm willing to do it again. I wasn't even willing the first time. It's like he expected me to and I've let him down again." I ramble, still crying

"Woah, you have not let him down, okay? He has let you down, he can't say something like that. He knows what you've been through" Jakob says firmly, I nod just to give him the satisfaction

"I wish it didn't have to matter to me, but it does. I wish I could just give him what he wants, keep my problems to myself. That's all I'm good at anyway, just an object and it hurts so much, it's never going to stop. Either the pain ends, or I do." I whisper standing up to leave but he grabs my wrist pulling me back

"There's no way I'm letting you go after telling me that"

I sigh and sit back in the place I was in before, this time falling back and lying on his bed. He lies next to me and rolls onto his stomach, resting on his hands.

"I should go talk to Chris, I hate fighting with him and leaving it unresolved" I inform Jakob as I stand up, he nods and I can feel his eyes on me as I leave his room.

I find Chris still in the kitchen, I don't bother to pay attention to whatever he's doing.

"I don't want to fight"

"Neither do I," he agrees "I thought I could wait, control myself, but now we've done it and I just want it more and more. You're perfect and I need to feel you... more than I deserve"

"I understand that and I want to do the same but please believe me when I tell you I physically can't bring myself to." I tell him, hoping that he won't think I'm lying or something.

"I shouldn't have said what I did. I am just really tired right now, I haven't slept well in a while. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I'm really sorry." He apologises

"Thank you"

"Ethan, I am so sorry, honestly" he says again, as if he knows I haven't fully forgiven him yet

"Maybe you should go to bed, you said you were tired" I suggest nicely

"Please, come with me" he whispers meeting my eyes

"You just need sleep, Chris" I sigh tearing my gaze away

He nods, realising now that I won't come with him and he brushes past me and leaves the kitchen without another word.

I lean against the countertop and take in a deep breath. It was a silly argument anyway, we'll most likely have sorted everything out by the time we have to go to court.

"Ethan, are you down here?" Jakob calls bounding down the stairs with his laptop safely in his arms

"Right here" I reply putting my hand lazily up as if to signal where I am, even though now he can see me.

"Do you want to listen to what I've got of the song now?" He asks, his eyes gleaming with pride, I nod watching him place his laptop down on the counter in front of the both of us before typing in his password and loading up the program.

He presses play and 'Good Enough' immediately starts to play, he's changed it a lot, is the first thing I notice. It sounds better despite this, though. He's added things and made little tweaks here and there and I think collectively it all works very well. If you give it some thought, it has a pretty sad meaning: not being good enough for someone, despite your best efforts, they just don't choose you.

Once the song has finished Jakob turns and looks at me expectedly, a nervous smile plastered on his face.

"It's awesome, well done Jake!" I exclaim smiling myself now, he relaxes noticeably and a look of relief washes over his face.

There's a moments silence and I find myself yawning as sleepiness starts to set in.

"You should sleep" Jakob tells me, his eyes softening

"Okay" I don't object, I know he's right.

I pull him into a hug, taking him by surprise. Before he can even hug back I have pulled away and disappeared upstairs, mumbling a goodnight. I push the door to my bedroom open and see Chris, sound asleep in my bed.

I walk over to where he lay and smile at how peaceful he looks. We may not be on the best terms but that doesn't change the love we have for each other. He's hugging one of my pillows, we haven't slept without the other in so long it must seem foreign, I walk around to the other side of the bed and I lift the covers up, getting in as quickly as possible trying not to disturb him.

He moves the pillow, throwing it on the floor and then he sleepily wraps an arm around my waist and pulls us that little bit closer. I bury my head into his chest noticing that his shirt is damp, he's been crying.

He's been crying because of me.