Barely Breathing//Ethis

96||

Chris' point of view:

I call Jakob. Although I'm not sure how much he can understand. I'm a mess.

"Chris. Take a deep breath. It's okay, just breathe." Jakob says calmly

I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat.

"Okay, good. Now tell me what's going on."

I take another deep breath

"It's Ethan." I manage to get out "I'm at the hospital. Th-they won't tell me anything."

"What? Is he okay?" Jakob asks and I hear movement on the other end. I stay silent and take a minute to cry.

"I don't-I don't know. He tried t-to kill himself" I tell him

"I'm on my way." Jakob replies hanging up

I bring my phone away from my ear and stare ahead. What would have happened if I never left him alone? If I stayed that little bit longer at the beach?

He has to be okay. He has to live, I know it's not his time to go yet. The doctors are going to help him, they're going to save him. They have to.

"Chris." I look up to see Jakob and Leanne walking towards me, I quickly stand up and pull Jakob into a hug. I cry into his shoulder and he rubs my back and I must admit it is soothing to have someone else here with me.

"He's going to be okay." Jakob mumbles over my shoulder, I nod into the hug although I don't know if I believe it. He didn't see everything.

He pulls away and looks me up and down.

"You need to go home and change."

"No, I can't leave Ethan. What if something happens while I'm gone?" I protest

"Chris there's blood all over your shirt, you have to change. I'll call you if  anything happens okay?" He says with a sympathetic look

"No, I'm staying." I say firmly sitting back down and crossing my arms over my chest

"Put on my jacket then, hide it." He insists with a sigh, unzipping his jacket and handing it to me.

I stand up and put it on.

"Is there anyone here for Ethan Karpathy?" A doctor asks entering the room, I hurriedly jog over to them

"I am, is he okay?" I ask, Jakob joins me

"We've managed to stabilise him." He informs us

"Can we see him?" I ask straight after

"I'm afraid not. We will be monitoring him and we think it would be in his best interests for Ethan not to see anyone right now." The doctor replies calmly

"No." I raise my voice "no you don't understand! I have to see him. He needs me, I need to be there for him!" I shout

"Chris." Jakob says

"I have to see hi-m" all my frustration turns back into sadness when Jakob wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug.

I break down all over again. I sob into Jakob's shoulder and he just holds me as I shake and whimper. I hold onto him so tight that I'm sure he mustn't be able to breathe, but I don't loosen my grip. I can't lose him too.

"We assure you that you can see Ethan soon." Are the doctors departing words

"It's okay Chris." Jakob whispers rubbing my back

This only causes me to cry harder, because I know it's not.

I pull away from the hug and wipe my eyes. A nurse just finished talking to the doctor I just spoke to. Now is the chance.

I quickly walk over to the nurse and get her attention.

"Excuse me," I say as best I can, my voice only cracking the tiniest bit "do you know what room Ethan Karpathy is staying in? I saw you talking to his doctor."

She turns to face me and looks up from her clipboard. Her eyes look me up and down before resting on my own.

"I'm sorry sir but that's information I can't tell you." She replies holding her clipboard to her chest and turning to walk away

"Please," I stop her "please I have to see him, I won't even go into his room. Just let me see him." I plead, her eyes soften the tiniest by and she nods quickly turning and walking at a fast pace down a hallway. I take this as a sign to follow her, so I do. It doesn't take long for Jakob to catch up to us either.

We follow her down hallways that seem to be never ending, it's all just a white walled blur. When we get to ICU I know we can't be far away.

Jakob and I stop abruptly when she turns to face us.

"No going inside." She says looking more at me than she does at Jakob

I rush over to the little window letting us see inside, it has blinds on it but they're open. I look through one of the gaps and sure enough, there he is. Ethan's lying in the hospital bed, cords and tubes going everywhere and the heart monitor beeping beside him, at least it's beeping. I can see his arm, it's been bandaged now and he probably needed a lot of stitches. The scars will fade but they won't ever go away. He looks so pale, I don't know if I have the strength to look but I certainly don't have the strength to tear my gaze away.

"He told me he loved me, before I left. I didn't even say it back. All I said was 'you too' if I had of known.." Jakob trails off, he hasn't cried and I have the feeling that he's about to. And he does. He cries into his hands, he just cries and cries and cries, much like I did. I put my arm around him in the hope of giving him some kind of comfort.

"You can't blame this on yourself Jake, neither can I. This was all Ethan, we couldn't have done anything." I reassure him, although I know it's not at all reassuring. This was all Ethan. He would have gone through with this no matter where Jake and I were today. It's even scarier to think that he has the capability to do something like this to himself.

"They said they had stabilised him, that means he's going to be okay right?" I ask when Jakob has managed to stop crying. He's been stabilised and I can see that he's okay but part of me thinks it's just that my will for him to actually be okay have overpowered everything else and I just need someone else to say it.

"He's going to be okay." Jakob replies

He's okay.

"Someone's coming," Jakob whispers, but I don't move "Chris we have to go"

"I don't want to leave him." I reply placing my hand over the glass

"We're still going to be in the same building, he's going to be here when we get back and we can see him soon." Jakob reassures me this time, I nod tearing my gaze away from Ethan.

I slowly follow Jakob away from Ethan's room. I don't know where we're going and I honestly don't care, I just want to get back to Ethan as soon as possible.

I really don't know how Jakob even knows where we are going but somehow we end up in the cafeteria. We sit down at the closest table and Jakob looks around at all the food that's being sold.

"What do you want?" He asks pulling out his wallet

"Nothing. I'm not hungry, I can't eat." I sigh resting my chin on my hands

He sighs too and leaves the table.

I stare ahead and I can feel my eyes glazing over, I don't even have the energy to blink. How am I expected to do anything when my boyfriend is in hospital and I can't even see him?

How are we supposed to work this out? So many things keep happening that I'm starting to wonder if anything will ever be okay. Ethan's okay, but I know that he's not. He tried to take his own life, if I hadn't gotten home when I did or checked on him when I did then he might not have made it. He was at his lowest point and he saw no other option, I just want to help him. That's all I've ever wanted to do.

I'm not leaving this hospital until Ethan does.