Barely Breathing//Ethis

84||

Chris' point of view:

Ethan silently walks past me and pulls the notebook out from underneath my pillow. My heart skips a beat when I realise that the notebook is still open. He skims over it for a second then he starts to flick through the pages I'd just read.

"That wasn't the only time he used handcuffs," he breathes in "he hit me so hard over the head that he actually did knock me out too. Or do you want me to tell you about the time I sucked his dick? But you saw photos after that, didn't you Christopher?" He says looking up at me now, his eyes showing both anger and sadness.

"Ethan-" I try

"You said you wouldn't read anymore" he cuts off sounding hurt, he look down at the book and starts to tear out the pages.

I stay silent for a few moments taking in what he just said to me, then I get an idea.

"Burn it," I suggest, his head snaps up to look at me and his eyes are wide "let's do it together" 

He nods and picks up the pages he had already torn out and walks across the hall into his room, I quickly follow him.

He puts the notebook and the pages onto his nightstand, his hand resting over them for a second and I know I should speak but I can't find the words for what I want to say, the words for what I'm feeling. How can I express what I feel? All my feeling towards him? How can I do that and show him I just want to help him?

"I'm so sorry Bub" is what I settle for, I know it's not the right thing but it's all I can muster

His hand drops by his side and he turns to face me, not saying anything and looking at me as if he expects me to continue. And I do:

"I'm sorry for everything, everything between us and everything in that book, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't see through the fake smile and all the lies, I'm sorry I didn't question why you disappeared for hours at a time but most of all I'm sorry I didn't stop it."

"Chris" he says, his voice wavers and comes out as more of a whimper as he walks towards me and wraps his arms around my neck, I do the same and wrap mine around his waist.

I bury my face into his neck and we stay like that for what feels like hours but what I'm sure is much less. I move my head slightly and glance up to the clock also on his nightstand.

"It's still late."

He pulls away from the hug and looks down fiddling with his hands seeming unsure.

"Do you want to stay with me?" I ask softly, in what I hope is a caring tone

He nods and let's me take his hand, despite this he still walks a few steps behind me back to my room.

I let go of his hand and climb into bed, I turn to face him and see him looking hesitantly at the space next to me.

"It's okay Bub" I reassure him

He slowly climbs in and faces me, neither of us say anything.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you" he says quietly

"You don't have to be," I tell him with the same tone "I'm sorry for leaving, for fighting with you, for breaking up with you, and saying all of those horrible things"

I reach over and brush a part of his hair out of his face so I can see his eyes.

"I forgive you."

I know he hasn't completely, it's going to take a bit more than that. I can't just do and say what I did and be forgiven so easily, he's just doing that for me.

I've never really thought about how much everything Ethan does is for me.

He just forgave me, for me.

He said he was happy for all that time, for me.

He tried to ignore his love for me, for me.

He did god knows what because he didn't want to risk it happening to me.

He doesn't like talking about his feeling because he doesn't want to upset me.

He's been putting me first for all this time and I never even realised.

"Chris I don't want to fall asleep" he whispers shifting slightly

"You're okay"

"Bu-"

"I love you" I whisper cutting him off, he shifts again and I see two rings on his third finger, mine and his. He slowly slips mine off and hands it out to me. I reach out and take it from him to feel his hand trembling sightly.

I move closer to him and he looks up at me, even through the darkness I can see his scared wide eyes.

"You read one of the worst ones" he mumbles dropping his gaze and staring straight ahead

"Ethan..." I trail off

"No." He says moving away "no don't. I know what I am, I'm disgusting."

"Ethan that's not true. You're not disgusting and it's not your fault. I don't think of you any different. You know this Ethan."

"I just-I didn't think you would come back and I'm scared" he whispers

"You don't have to be scared, I'm here. Let me help you" I reply

I inch a little bit closer to him and drape my arm over his waist, he doesn't object. Instead he moves closer to me again and rests his head on my chest. He keeps his arms close to his chest and sighs,

"I love you too"