Barely Breathing//Ethis

17||

Jakob's point of view:

I can hear him crying out in his sleep, for Ethan. It's been two days and he's been moping around lost all day and crying all night, it's horrible.

He won't eat, he won't talk, he won't do anything.

He's miserable.

"Chris," I say shaking him awake, he rubs his eyes and stares at me for a few seconds letting his eyes adjust "do you wanna talk?"

"Okay" he agrees sitting up now

"Spill." Is all I say sitting beside him, he takes a deep breath in staring at the floor

"I need him Jake. I'm having dreams about when I was eliminated from The Voice Kids and that's when I started getting depression and anxiety and now it all seems too familiar since we were eliminated from the X Factor and it hurts, it fucking hurts so much because once again, it's my fault. My best wasn't good enough, it never is. I just feel so worthless right now and he's the only one that can make it go away. Recovery is terrifying when you don't know who you are without your sadness, but with Ethan it's like he can make it better, actually help me through it. I want him back," he pours out "I love him."

"It'll be okay Chris, I promise, he'll come back" I reassure him standing up and walking into the hallway, I pull out my phone and dial Ethan's number, on the third ring he picks up.

"Listen to me. I don't care that you're gay, that's great and I'm proud of you but you need to get your ass back here. Chris is falling apart without you, he's an emotional wreck," I say as soon as he picks up before he has a chance to say anything. I take the phone away from my ear and face it towards Chris' room so Ethan can hear his, now loud cries.

"I need you to get over your anger or whatever the hell you're feeling right now and be here for him, he needs you Ethan and as much as you try to deny it; you need him just as much" I end the call before he says anything hoping that he'll consider what I've said and come back. Chris is so broken without him and I fear that if Ethan's gone for much longer he might just shatter.

I walk back into Chris' room and I sit back beside him.

"He's never going to forgive me Jakob, I messed up really bad this time" he sobs into his hands.

"He loves you Chris, he'll come back" I don't reply trying to sound sure of myself.

Ethan's point of view:

I can't go back. I always go crawling back to him, he's got me wrapped around his little finger, not this time. I'm not going to go crawling back because he misses me, he needs to realise that he can't just hurt me and expect me to forgive him straight away.
People keep saying they're proud of me but how could they be when I'm not even proud of myself?

I've stayed in my room the whole time I've been home because I don't want to risk my family detecting my odd behaviour or my puffy eyes, I keep trying to make it go away but the problem is I can't kill a feeling but it's killing me.

My phone beeps in my hand and I see that I have a voicemail from Jakob, why would he be trying to call me at 2am?

I put the phone to my ear waiting to hear whatever he has to say. It's silence for a second or two and they take a deep breath

"Hey Ethan," it's Chris, he's crying. "I just want to say that I'm so so incredibly sorry for what I did," a pause, "I know that I had no idea right whatsoever, I was confused as hell Ethan I didn't know what I was feeling, I had never experienced something like that ever before and it scared me because it felt..so right. I don't know what else to say" he says crying harder now, he sniffles "I just, I miss you so much and I know you won't forgive me. I just wanted to hear your voice, I can't sleep without you here. I'm scared to. The dreams are back and so are the voices, I'm not good enough Ethan how could you ever like me? I don't know anymore, I feel like shit Ethan, I can't do this without you. I know I'm being stupid and you'll probably hang up when you realise it's me but I had to say that. That's really all I wanted to say, I-I love you so much Ethan, bye."

The phone call ends.

I press the call button and it goes straight to voicemail

"Hey Jake, I don't know if Chris gave you your phone back but if he did can you pass this message on?

"Chris, I love you. That's no secret. But I'm scared Chris, I've had all these expectations of relationships and what we could be and I'm scared it won't be like I imaged it would. I'm scared that if we do this we're going to fail, we're going to crumble and fall, we're going to ruin each other. No, we already have ruined each other, with you I'm my best but when you're gone I don't know who I am, that's the thing. I'm nothing without you Chris. When I first talked to you the first thing I thought was 'oh shit he's actually talking to me ' and from that moment I knew I would love you endlessly, go anywhere you needed me to. Ever since I met you, no one else was worth thinking about. If someone had told me that loving you would be the worst decision I would make, I would look at them and laugh because it's also been the best." I say into the phone, I hang up and set it on my bedside table staring at the ceiling.

If loving him will be my destruction then I'm ready to go.