Barely Breathing//Ethis

108||

Chris' point of view:

I climb back into bed with Ethan and am immediately engulfed in the heat his body provides. He nestles into my chest again and I find myself yet again wondering what the contents of the pages under his pillow hold. My mind races and I'm unable to relax and get to sleep. The endless possibilities keep running through my mind.

I pull the paper out from Ethan's pillow quickly, I fumble through the dark to find my phone. When I find it I use the flash to help me see, I unfold the paper and begin to read. My fears quickly being confirmed.

When I finally finish reading, I read it again. Ethan sacrificed himself once again, for me. Except this time it's different. This time Jeremy actually seriously threatened me, this story, on these pages could have been mine to tell.

I fold the paper back up and that's when  a tear rolls down my cheek. I hold my breath as more tears start to flow, I know I have to be quiet or Ethan's going to wake up and ask me what's wrong. Then I'd have to tell him I read the papers under his pillow. My breathing is low and short as I try to control it. I swallow the massive lump in my throat, my head beginning to throb. Ethan still sleeps beside me, completely unaware that I'm falling apart beside him. I bring my hand up and cover my mouth, I close my eyes, letting more tears fall.

Ethan was angry the last time I didn't tell him when I was upset, I know I have to tell him because I would want him to do the same.

I reach over and touch his shoulder, shaking him lightly.

"Baby wake up, I need you" I sob

Ethan sits up and rubs his eyes, a light turns on.

"Woah, please don't cry." He says, sitting up much more awake now. I sit up also and lean against the wall, Ethan crawls over to me and kneels in front of me. He uses his thumb to wipe away my tears that are still falling.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" He asks softly, I simple just hold up the paper I still hold in my hand.

He sighs and takes the paper from me and puts it back under his pillow. He sits beside me and I lean into him, he intertwines his fingers with mine and slowly rubs his thumb against my own.

"Please don't be upset Chris" Ethan says after a while, I whimper in response.

I use my hand to lightly brush my fingers against his nose.

"It's okay, Chris," Ethan whispers, taking my hand softly and pressing his lips to it. "I'm okay."

"So much to take in" I mumble wiping my eyes with my free hand

"I know," he kisses my temple, his lips linger there and he rests his head. "I love you"

"That could have happened to me" I whisper completely ignoring him as I feel a fresh wave of tears ready to fall.

"It didn't"

"I don't get it, he had so many chances" I continue to ramble, a few tears falling now.

"It's okay" Ethan says calmly

"It's not fair" I cry

"You're okay" Ethan says with the same tone as before

"But you're not" I say, Ethan stays silent this time "can I be honest with you?"

"Always" he says with a small smile

"Sometimes I sit there and think how much I wish all of that had happened to me and not you." I confess to him

"Chris you can't be serious? Tell me you're not serious. No, Chris you don't want any of it." Ethan says, almost sounding angry.

"I do." I say quietly, unable to meet his eyes.

"I made sure it didn't happen to you, I was protecting you. That was always the point" he sounds a lot less angry now and I find myself able to look at him.

"What?"

"Keeping you safe was the only thing on my mind, Baby." He tells me, I know that was supposed to be comforting or something, but it's not. Not even the slightest bit.

"But what about you? What about keeping you safe?" I ask, this seems to be an important thing he's forgotten.

He shrugs.

"Don't worry about me"

"All I do is worry about you" I sigh "don't even think about pulling a stunt to stop that, okay? Don't run away because you don't want me to worry about you. I promise that the further you get, the worse it gets. Don't leave me. The last time you tried we both got worse, remember?"

I slide down and rest my head on his arm.

"Yeah, I remember" he says quietly "why would I run?"

"Because I'm breaking down. Because if I can't support you in the way you need, you can't stay with me. You know that." I sit back up

"Chris, you're all I need"

"Why isn't anything getting better? Why aren't you getting better?" I question, searching his face for any possible answers

"I am getting better. I'm recovering. You are the only reason I'm recovering, I'm not there yet but I know I will be as long as you help me. I want to get better even more than you want me to. I want to do this, for you." He says calmly, for once Ethan's the calm one and I'm the one who needs calming.

He leans forward and kisses my forehead, then my cheeks and finally my lips. He wipes away my tears with his thumbs yet again, he lets his hands rest on my face. I place one of my hands over his.

"I love you so much" I smile

"I love you too" he rests his forehead on mine and kisses my lips again, he leans back and sits on his feet.

"Ethan there's something I need to tell you" I have to tell him, he stays silent waiting for me to continue "I'm only allowed to visit you two days a week. Your visiting rights have been changed."

"Oh."

"I had to tell them about Jeremy and everything. I know you didn't want them to know but now they can help you even more." I say quickly, not wanting or needing him to be angry with me right now.

"I understand."

"You have to see a phycologist here too" I say, I'd rather he heard it from me than from someone he doesn't trust.

"Okay" he sighs "we should sleep, it's late"

I nod even though I would have liked to continue the conversation further, I won't. I know he doesn't want to talk about it by how quickly he shut me down. I lie down and pull the covers over me.

"Are you okay now?" Ethan asks lying down also

"Yeah"

The light goes off.

A/N: idk