𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝 | todoroki x reader

54. monster

^^ video is not mine!

chapter inspired by the song say something by a great big world. i recommend listening to it whilst reading but you don't have to.

y/n's pov

i cringed at the light that blinded me as my eyes opened. i looked around where i was to see i was in the hospital. my gaze fell to my left were my uncle was snoring rather loudly.

i poked him gently, causing him to stir. he grumbled as his eyes opened slowly, soon landing on me. "y/n!" he shot up, holding both of my shoulders. "are you alright!? how are you feeling?"

"i feel good! great actually!" i said with a smile. i yelped as a hand slapped my cheek. "ow!? what the that for!?"

aizawa stared at me with cold eyes. "do you have any idea how much trouble you're in? you and the others?"

i shrunk into my bed. "you let me do it..."

his eyes softened momentarily as my voice shook. "not that, y/n. i've sorted out that for you." he placed a hand over mine. "i'm talking about going after them in the first place. that was a stupid move on your part."

i sighed. "i know..." i sat up. "i endangered my friends and you without even thinking about the consequences. i've probably caused you problems and shoto's been hurt because of me and-" i stopped.

my eyes began watering in seconds. "y/n-"

"where's shoto?" i said shakily.

"he's okay. everyone is. don't worry alrig-"

"don't worry!?" i stood up from my bed suddenly. "MY BOYFRIEND WAS HELD HOSTAGE BY A VILLAIN AND GOT HURT! HOW CAN I NOT WORRY!?" i yelled as tears fell down my cheeks. "if i had listened, he would be okay!"

aizawa stood up and walked over to me. "he's okay, y/n."

"b-but..." my lip quivered as i closed my eyes. "he was hurt because of me."

"you couldn't do anything about it. you did the smartest thing in the moment that you could." he held onto my shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. "you acted like a true hero in that situation."

"i can't be a hero shouta..." my head fell low as tears fell from my cheeks to the cold floor. "i killed someone." i began pacing around the room. "i-i can't get the image out if my head! it just keeps repeating and repeating! i killed someone whilst knowing i was doing it! what type of hero kills shouta!?"

i broke down into sobs, curling into a ball as the images of the life in the doctors eyes fading repeated over and over again.

~

"i'll see you wednesday, y/n." i waved at my therapist with a small smile.

"thankyou miss yasashi." i smiled back at her as i closed the door.

it was now monday: over a week since i was released from hospital. over a week since i've been to school.

every monday and wednesday i now go to a therapist. after my episode in the hospital with aizawa, more nightmares, visions, and episodes have been occuring. in the end, he decided to take me to therapy. i didn't hate it. it was rather therapeutic, but i didn't want everyone knowing.

as far as i'm aware, no one besides the teachers, shoto, uraraka, bakugo, and midoriya know about what happened. i had spoken to them in the last week, and they did act the same as before, but i couldnt help think they're scared of me now. what hurts more is shoto seems distant.

as i walked through the class 1a door, i was bombarded by my classmates hugs and questions. "y/n! you're back!" uraraka cheered as she rushed over to me, enveloping me into a tight hug.

"yea, i'm back." i smiled at her gently.

[for some reason, i began crying at this part idk why XD 'say something' came on and i literally began crying my eyes out whilst writing :,) as you can see by the start of the chapter, i decided to add it as a song to listen to to get the f e e l s]

'why after everything are you still hugging me?'

"i'm happy to see you well y/n!" midoriya smiled brightly.

'why after everything are you still smiling at me?'

"welcome back, idiot." bakugo tsked.

'why after everything are you still the same towards me?'

"y/n." i turned to see shoto looking at me. i walked over to him to be met with a kiss on the forehead and a tight hug. "i'm happy you're here."

'why after everything do you still love me?'

i looked at his neck to see faint red marks where shigiraki had burnt him. tears pricked my eyes as i began remembering the screams and cries he let out as it happened.

'i did that.'

i turned around suddenly to see everyone's eyes on me.

'they might know.'

my breathing became uneven as people started to look at me worriedly.

'they all hate me.'

i looked at bakugo, midoriya, and uraraka who looked at me with confusion.

'they don't like me.'

i turned back to shoto frantically with teary eyes.

'he doesn't actually love me.'

i covered my mouth with my hands as a sob escaped my lips.

'i killed someone.'

soon, tears were falling down my cheeks rapidly. without any other words, i ran. i turned away from shoto who looked at me extremely concerned. i ran past bakugo who stared at me slightly shocked. i pushed past midoriya and uraraka as they looked at me worriedly.

i didn't stop when aizawa asked what was wrong. i didn't stop when teachers looked at me worriedly. i didn't stop when students eyes confused onto me. i didn't stop when i heard shoto running after me.

i couldn't look at him.

i couldn't look at anyone.

i had no idea what he thought of me. he knew about my past, but i didn't tell him everything. he probably thinks i lied the whole time. he probably doesn't trust me anymore. it wouldn't surprise me if anyone that was there doesn't trust me anymore.

i came to a stop as i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror opposite me right near the therapy room. i looked at myself dead in the eye, not caring that look shoto was giving me from behind me.

a tear slipped down my cheek as i finally found words to speak. "i'm a monster."

this is a smaller chapter, but i wanted this one to be depressing. i did cry whilst writing this one because parts of y/n's self doubts in this are mine too (about trust and about people hating her and all that). i think to include something personal to the author in a book makes the book more emotional.

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