Always there - a Norman Reedus story

Always there chapter 117

Always there

Chapter 117

June

Celebrity roast of Shelby Reedus.

"Babe remember this is all for fun. What they are saying they don't mean, so no tears unless you are laughing. Okay, I love you babe have fun." Norman kisses me and I'm led up into the rafters.

"I'm Chris Hardwick and Welcome to the roast of one of the hottest and most badass women in Hollywood. She's so badass she's killed someone. She should be called a lethal weapon. Please welcome our guest of honor the one the only Black Widow herself, Shelby Reedus."

I can hear all this god I hope I haven't made a bad mistake. I'm lowered to the set on a stripper pole. I had to spin around a few times as if I was a stripper. Then I sat down on a chair that looked like a throne.

Chris
"Shelby just because you came down on a stripper pole doesn't mean you had to dress like a stripper."

Jimmy Kimmel 
"Gilbert, you look like Benjamin Button when he was six."

"Shelby Your vagina is like a good movie - it's opened wide and everyone went to see it."

Lisa Lampanelli
"Jimmy sit down no one watches your show anyway, a horse shitting on a parade has more of a following."

"Courtney love Courtney love was in a band named hole not whole as in whole but as dirty stinky pussy."

"Shelby, did you ever wonder why they called your character Black Widow could be because you killed your first husband. Norman I'd be worried if I were you."

Clifton Collins Jnr
"How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?"

"Shelby your taste is in your vagina I swear I've never seen an uglier bastard than Norman Reedus good thing he's hung like a fucking bull. I bet that's why you stay with him."

Sean Patrick Flanery
"Norman, Clifton how much do you guys want to pay me not to release the pictures I have on my computer? I don't know if you know this Shelby we used to get up to some pretty kinky shit. You name it we did it and I have the proof bros so pay up."

"Shelby, I've always thought of you as my sister, does it mean it's incest if I get a hard-on over you? Yeah, I'll admit it I've wanked over you."

Anthony Jeselnik
"Please welcome the scary thing from under your bed when you were a kid... Gilbert Gottfried!"

"When Comedy Central first asked me to be here tonight, I told them to suck my dick. Now I'm here. Shelby, you ready?"

Andrew Lincoln
"In honor of the late, great, George Carlin, I'd like to leave you all with seven words I never thought I'd hear on television: "And the Oscar goes to... Shelby Reedus! Exactly how many cocks did you have to suck to win that Oscar?"

Chris Pratt
"Sean Patrick, did you have that many doubts about your sexuality that you married a Playboy bunny? I must say it makes you look straight especially when you have a guy's head between your legs."

"Shelby when you named your kids did you just randomly pick names from a book? I mean your son's name is your surname did you think that was original I guess he should be lucky your surname was samsonite. Samsonite Reedus sounds like an awesome name, now don't even start me on your daughter with a boy's name and the one you named after a bird. Did you think they were cool?"

"Damn straight I did."

Courtney Love
"Clifton I've seen better-looking Latin afterbirths than you."

"Shelby, how exactly did you get Norman? Man is it because you can suck a bowling ball through a hose. I tried to do that and couldn't. You must have no gag reflux."