Always there - a Norman Reedus story

Always there chapter 168

Always there

Chapter 168

Shelby POV

I feel like I'm walking around in a haze, it doesn't feel real. Norman's gone it's been two days, Mingus and Emerson have been looking after me, Emerson had one of her doctor friends dose me up on enough sedatives to kill a horse, but being on what I'm already on it just scraped the surface, I'm still around.

"Mom you need to relax. Dad wouldn't like you so agitated."

"I'm not agitated. I'm upset that my husband is dead Mingus but I'm not mad."

"Upset is to be expected. So mom is it an open casket? What did dad want?"

"We wanted to be closed he didn't want others to see how he was. He was so skinny by the end. He wanted to be remembered for how he was, strong and tough. He was so good Mingus, he didn't deserve this it took nearly twenty-five years to kill him, I knew cancer would eventually I hoped it wouldn't but I was deluded."

"Mom don't worry about music, I've got that covered dad gave me something before he got sick, what he wanted to be played at his funeral and speeches Andy said he wanted to speak, I want to say something. Did you want to say something?"

"No, I don't think I can put two words together let alone tell everyone how I felt about your father. I don't deserve to say anything."

"What's wrong mom?"

"I'm a horrible wife."

"No you aren't dad was so lucky. I hope if I'm that unlucky that Rebecca is as strong as you have been, you have been amazing mom."

"No, I left him to die on his own. He wanted me to get changed and I let him. I came back in and he was dead. I should've been there looking after him as he passed instead I was doing my hair or makeup like a stupid bitch."

"Mom now you listen to me. You didn't do anything wrong maybe dad knew he was about to go and didn't want you to see him leave you. Maybe he wanted to spare you the pain of seeing him take his last breath. Believe me mom it's not pretty I know I've seen enough of it. I believe he wanted you distracted from him dying even for a few minutes."

"So I didn't do the wrong thing?"

"No mom. He asked you to do that and you were following his orders."

"I still feel bad about it."

"You probably will but you shouldn't mom. Dad loved you so much he would never have wanted to hurt you. His doing that was probably the last act of kindness it was all he could do to spare you the pain he would've been in. But remember mom, now dad isn't in any pain anymore he's in a better place."

"I don't want him in that place! I want him home! I want to hold him. His smell is going to leave our room I won't even have that anymore."

"I know mom. I hate the fact that my kids won't know how great he was. I guess that's how dad felt about his dad dying. I don't remember his father and my kids won't remember mine."

"I knew it was happening but I still wasn't ready for it."

"No one is mom. No one ever is."

"How do you go on? Move on?"

"You have to dad wouldn't want you to be this upset."

"I'm too young to be a widow. But you know your dad will be irreplaceable."

"He knows you loved him, mom. Do you want to come down? Emerson and her husband are here maybe they might be better to talk to. They're both psychologists, they are more used to dealing with grief. You need to speak to someone mom, if not them I'm sure they will know who to talk to."