𝗮𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀

57 | i hate you more (eren)

happy friday! as you can see, this isn't a preference but a one-shot idea that was requested by kannaexee! she wanted a story where the reader was basically in the shoes of mikasa in the infamous s4 scene where he tells her that he hates her. in this one-shot, the reader takes some time to reflect on it and their feelings for eren. 

you may notice that my writing is a little flowery in this, but rn i'm experimenting a lot with word usage and using unique words within my pieces. the story by itself might take a backseat in favor for imagery and vividness, but i hope you don't mind since i think it fits the tone of the writing, anyway :0

but thank you so much for requesting, and thank you to everyone who's reading! hope you enjoy the angst that comes with this chapter (and please beware there might be spoilers for the aot manga!)

-

"I've always hated you."

For the hundredth time in only half an hour past lunch, you pinch the skin near your arm and watch as nothing happens. No shock. No pain. No gasp of horror, of realizing that you had waken up from a nightmare that would have otherwise swallowed you whole.

Instead, you realize that you're still in it.

Eren's words echo forever in your head. Every time something crawls from the depths of your mind, they wither as soon as even as something as faint as a trace of the memory comes back. His eyes, dull yet full of a guilt because he knew so well you hated every second of it. His knit brows, the way his head was tilted as if he couldn't even bare to look at you-

Instead of picking at the scraps of the remaining slice of sandwich Armin had gifted you, you remain quiet. Even though it's just you in the Mess Hall now, alone and afraid and only with your thoughts, you can't even stifle a ghost of a whisper.

You feel a lump in your throat. As much as you want to say something, it quiets you and makes you respond in the only way you - you and your pitiful, shell-shocked self - could reply.

"I don't," you finally speak. It's not necessarily in response to what Eren said, not really in response to anything. You just say it, and the words are like a wave of fresh wind that entangles you within its grasp.

I don't...I don't what? I don't care anymore? I don't hate you back? I don't want to lose you?

The last two are so true you feel the need to rewind time, to say either and watch as his reaction would explode - maybe in fear because he never planned to have you talk back, or maybe in sorrow for realizing what he's been doing for the past few years. Coming and going, saying silent goodbyes to the young, innocent boy he once was in the letters he's written while in Marley.

Though you know something for sure: his words can't be true.

As they sound on loop in your mind, you keep seeing it. The pained look in his eyes, and it was certainly stretching the possibilities, but maybe his head tilt was in shame, embarrassment. Or the fact that his ears swell up with a flushed shade of red, and now that you think about it, you swore you had seen them just like that.

But at the same time, another side of your mind grasps at your argument and hauls it away to where it's only a faint speck of dust within the great reaches of the void that is becoming your head. Does that matter?

Regardless of whatever Eren Jaeger thinks of you, it's the same. If he really does hate you, then he's planning on killing you. If he doesn't, then you know what it means: he's going to get himself killed. He's going to die and doesn't want you or Armin or Mikasa or anyone he knows to feel the hurt and guilt and shame of experiencing it, watching as Eldia's one hope against the rest of the cruel world crumble and return to the same dust that had birthed your race.

And that in itself is a rabbit hole of thoughts. Your mind was already damaged enough. It would hurt even more if you were to think about it for another second.

So you stop. If he wants to not associate with you anymore, you must do the same. You have to hold yourself accountable and think. Step back for a moment, and think about every single feeling you have ever felt for him-

To remember that moment when the two of you first met in Shiganshina. To think of when you held hands with him and Armin - a platonic moment that you took for even more. Recall of what it was like to see the wonders of his titan form, the amazement of when you realized that the man you wanted most in  your life was going to be the savior of humanity.

Your heart flutters with enthusiasm as your brain tries to rip all the memories to shreds. The war between the two most vital organs in your body makes you clench your hands with fear as breaths escape from your mouth and fade into the thinning air.

"I hate you!" You scream out loud, trying to side with your brain.

But it's useless.

You say it over and over like a mantra, a warning as if he was sitting across from you. You repeat it while looking back at the memories your head had shown you, twisting and contorting until none of them were in proper shape.

But it's even worse.

Now you can barely recollect of what that time was like, four years ago. A time where he smiled, where his eyes glowed like a naïve and stubborn soldier whose duty was to slay all titans residing outside the walls. The feeling of his hand holding yours back in the district, how warm and how much it felt like they wanted to hold onto yours as if nothing else in the world mattered except for that one, single moment.

It makes you want him even more and hate him even less, so desperate to regain one of those moments and relive the past you had. Until this instant, you've never realized how madly you've fallen for him. How frustrated you've been, regretting the wasted opportunities where you could have let the word slip that you had feelings, that you wanted more than this friendship-

You hold a hand to your head as if it's about to fall to the tableside. A certain queasiness fills your insides to the brim, and you feel a pounding headache coming on.

Eren Jaeger, whether he realizes or not, has tangled your brain and left it as a crowd of tangled knots and wires and bolts. A jigsaw puzzle with key pieces being left out, never to be solved-

And you hate him for it.