Sight And Sorries

Prologue

  Ally 

17 Years later

Sitting in Gregg's secret place in the woods I stare into the water. There's not point in calling it secret or Gregg's now. It's neither of those things. It's become a place for all of us. Still technically a secret from everyone else in the pack, but not from our close family. Daniel, Kelly, Trevor, the kids, Marcus too, they all knew about it. It's the place we all shared secrets, safe from other ears. It's the place we went to be alone, yet we were always found.

Looking into the small stream, I imagine it's like the water the Moon Goddess tapped so long ago. Lightly dragging the tip of my finger along the surface, I prayed today it would show me my daughter. Like every time before though, it did not.

Adira was gone. It's been seventeen years since she was taken. Soon she'd shift and I'd miss that too along with every other milestone. No visions or dreams came to me involving her. Febris believes it might have to do with magic. Her hopes are a witch is blocking me. Kelly and Marcus both beg me to move on and see reason. How can I though? She's my little girl. I'd rather believe she's still alive than the possibility she is not.

Lately I've even felt Daniel's grief heighten. As if he's finally coming to terms and accepting her absence. Like he's mourning her, like she's dead. His emotions are felt so strongly through our link Amaris whimpers from it. Sometimes she even tries to talk me into moving on. I can't, I won't.

She was our first child together. Daniel and I had made the most beautiful little girl. Adira was going to be strong. The way she cried and laughed made me imagine how she would be when she got older. Our daughter would have been outspoken. She would be the kind of person to fight for what she wanted. My only hope now is that she fights to come home. If she even knows where home is.

In the years since her disappearance Daniel's been true to his words. He's filled me with love and support. It took awhile for me to start trying to find joy in my days. Michael, our eldest boy, his seventeenth birthday just weeks away. The result of our love making the night Adira was taken. He brought light into our lives when darkness tried to swallow us whole. It was an accident, but one I was glad about when I looked back. Daniel was patient after that, let me greive the loss while dealing with a newborn. Now we have three more. James and Joseph, our four year old twins, identical in looks and behaviour. They were fighters, strong and courageous. Then there was Conal, our youngest. Even at two and a half he was already bubbling with personality. 

Now, with five happy healthy boys I still feel sadness in my heart. Guilt for not taking my dreams seriously enough. Guilt for hiding the visions. Guilt because I'm the reason she's gone. I look at my life and see all the reasons I should smile, yet my heart holds me back.

Sometimes for awhile it's almost like I've forgotten. Daniel's touch or my children's laughter will cause joy and love to swell inside me. Then once Daniel's hands leave my body, or his scent fades, once the laughing quiets down and smiles die Adira's face pops in my head. Like someone snaps me back to reality, the pain washes over me.

And now I'm left here. Sitting by a creek, looking into water knowing it's never going to show me what I want it too. And still tomorrow I'll return and do the exact same thing. Maybe that's okay though, maybe that's how I honour her memory. Even if everyone else moves on I cannot. I just have this feeling. I might not have seen it but she has to come back. She will come back. My human side would call it a mother's intuition. Amaris calls it denial.

Looking at my watch I jump up. Michael, James and Joseph will be done school soon. Leaving May with Conal was one thing. Leaving her with my whole litter was another. I'd hate having her think I was taking advantage. Daniel could remind me everyday till he was blue in the face that taking care of us was her job, it didn't matter to me. I raised Xale mostly without help. I wasn't going to have someone else raise my kids. Even if all I wanted to do was lay in bed one day, and search every town in the world the next. After Michael was born I broke down crying in Daniel's arms. After the tears stopped falling we'd vowed to not let our pain get in the way of our children. Daniel is better at it than I am.