Imagine If You Assembled the Avengers: Volume 1

I Am So Dead (Deadpool/Stark x reader)

Warnings: The usual Deadpool swearing and offensiveness that we've come to know and love.

You had only a few precious minutes before he had to leave again; Wade hurried behind the bar and splashed alcohol into the two glasses he had thrown down haphazardly, the liquid spilling over the gold-lined rims and onto the swirled marble surface without a care.

"That's two thousand a bottle, Wade."

His hands froze in place, the eyes of his red mask widening in response with a loud gasp. "Whaaaat?" His head snapped to look at you, then to the bottle and back to you several times before he stopped at spoke again. "Are you serious? We already know how rich the guy is, so what the fuck is he compensating for? I thought this massive, erect tower was a pretty clear indicator, but how small can it be?" he mocked, holding up his pinkie finger toward you.

"Ew, Wade, no! That's my dad!"

"I'm just saying, babe, performance issues are not uncommon. One in five..."

"You need to stop right now," you scolded, tipping your drink back in one painful swallow, heavy with the burn of alcohol in your throat. "Or else hand me that bottle so I can start working on making you tolerable."

He straightened his posture and moved around the bar towards you to take the chair next to yours. Reaching down, he spun your chair in his direction and put either leg along side yours to hold you in place, then took your hands before he began again.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N). I don't know what gets into me sometimes." His voice was quiet and sounded almost genuine for the first time since you'd known him; certainly since you began dating a few months ago. "Listen, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you for a while now, but I had to figure out how to say it."

"Wade, you can tell me anything, you know that. Just not about my dad's junk," you said quietly with a grimace and a slight shake of your head, failing at removing the thought from your mind.

"Okay," he said, taking a long and deep breath, letting it out with renewed resolve. "So I've been meaning to tell you...I wanted to say that...man, how do people do this stuff?" He readjusted himself in the chair and squared his shoulders as he looked at you. "What I've wanted to say for a while now, (Y/N)...is that...um...your boobs look so goddamn gorgeous in that shirt. I seriously can't stop looking at them. It's like God gave Jesus a Playdough Fun Factory and said, 'make me proud, son'," he whispered, with a slight hint of a fake sniffle and a crack in his voice. His eyes were now fixed on your chest, releasing your hands so that he could motion absentmindedly over yours as if he were seeing their creation in his head.

"Wade..."

No reply. "Wade," you scolded a bit more firmly, but there was still no reply though he was right in front of you. "Wade!"

"Hmmm," he mumbled, but after about five seconds more he realized that you were trying to get his attention and jolted up straight, his hands landing firmly on your chest. "Yes, dear?"

"It looks like there's some catching up for me to do here?"

You squeezed your eyes shut tightly in both mortification and a little fear at the sound of your father's voice echoing through the room as he entered. You hadn't quite gotten around to telling him about your relationship with the man more commonly known as Deadpool in the superhero world. "Hi dad," you groaned, then dropped your voice to a whisper. "Wade, move your hands." His hands definitely began to move, but they were still attached to you even though he had now turned to look at Tony. "Not like that!" you hissed.

"You need to be more specific," he replied calmly. Wade released his grip and stood up sharply to greet Tony with an extended hand that wasn't well received. "Mr. Stark, sir. Parental figure of which I have the utmost respect, sir. Apologies for the whole grabbing of your daughter's-ample-bosom thing, sir."

"What's with the suit?" Tony replied flatly, keeping his hands in his pockets and a watchful eye on you.

"Rude. I could ask the same of you."

"I'm Iron Man. Who the hell are you?"

"Pool, Dead," he replied, trying again for a handshake with futile results. "Okay, so what crawled up your ass, man? You're really coming off as kind of an asshat to the readers, here. You should maybe be a little bit nicer. I hear that your stories are usually pretty popular; particularly these dad!Tony ones like we're doing here. You wouldn't want to lose your fans, right? I mean, watch your back, my popularity is fucking skyrocketing!"

With a deep breath and pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, Tony turned to you for any kind of reasoning. You were in such shock at the whole turn of events, however, you didn't know what you could say that would even make any sense. "(Y/N), what the hell is he talking about?"

"Wade, I think maybe you should just go and we can do this another time." You slid carefully from the bar stool and grabbed his arm, trying to pull him gently towards the door. "I should probably try to explain you to my dad before either of you say any more."

"Nah, baby, words pale in comparison to meeting me in person!"

"The same could be said for me," Tony interjected, moving to stand right in front of Wade. "So you never answered me. What's with the suit?"

"It's a high-tech prosthesis. The suit and I are one," he said sarcastically, baiting Tony with his own words for a response. "I mean, it's no gold-titanium alloy, but I don't need all that flashy business like some people," he paused to bring his hand to his mouth. "Tony Stark," he coughed under his breath suggestively.

"Don't need it, or don't understand it? I could throw something together for you really quick, with a big on/off switch right in the front so you don't miss it. I'm thinking maybe something in Legos?"

Wade gasped loudly and turned to you, clapping his hands together excitedly, "Holy shit, I love Legos! Can I have one?"

"Alright, alright, that's enough," you barked, "I haven't had enough alcohol to handle both of you at the same time. It's impossible. Wade, let's go." You took his arm again, this time pulling him along with more force to make your point. With his feet stumbling along beneath him, Wade turned back to Tony with an excited wave just as you reached the door.

"Bye, dad! Please don't make the super suit green! Or animated!"