Tu Jo Mile Jindari Jannata ve Jannata...❣️ #sidnaaz

Khushiya Paayi Nhi Beeji Jaati Hai

"Pyaar di ki auqaat reh gayi
Jism vekh ke lagdi ae yaari
Koi te labho aisa Heer te Laila jaisa
Rooh di jo gall kare haan
Door hi rakhe paisa
Koi na poonje hanju
Khada main nain bharke"

Just like I expected the food was delicious. The right amount of everything and an overflowing amount of love. She clearly loved to cook.. it was evident in the way she was so focused while she was in the kitchen. After the lunch my mom left for di's place and Shehnaaz was about to go back home but I wanted to make her stay. I was getting too used to her presence...but there's no way out. I could restrict myself but I couldn't deny that I liked having her around. What should I do?! I can't simply just ask her to stay back, that'd be soo weird. Then?  I called her out stopping her while I still thought of an excuse. She looked back quietly waiting for me to continue "I can join you right? Woh actually main bohut bore ho raha hu ghar pe aur abhi tk tumhara ghar dekha bhi nhi hai to? " I asked knowing she wouldn't deny.

We reach her house and she asked me to sit while she made a cup of tea. Her apartment was so much livelier than ours. The bright spring colors spread across the floor and the walls brought along a sense of joy while natural plants made the whole home smell fresh. Her sheer white curtains danced in the wind as the cool air settled into the room. I could clearly tell she loved designing and photography thanks to the pictures and drawings laying in front of me, under a hard covered diary. "My only hope.." was written on the cover in black sharpie. I picked it up flipping to the first page. It's her personal diary. I run my hands over the first sentence she'd written "I'm broken." Looking out towards the kitchen I made sure she wasn't walking back and flipped to the last page.
"I don't think I'm gonna use you anymore. Today I found someone so much like me, she's my neighbor and about the age of my mother. I don't know why but I connected with her the instant we met. She's so easy to talk to unlike the family I'd left behind. I don't know what we share but there's definitely a lot of pain. I could feel it.. she wasn't genuinely happy though she smiled the whole time. She lives with her son but they both seem so alone. I wanna change that... I know I know, you're probably gonna ask me how, but I have an answer this time. I've always wanted to make the people around me happy and I know my spark had dulled due to whatever happened back home but from today I've decided I'm gonna let the world see who I am. From now on I'll be Shehnaaz .. just Shehnaaz without all the baggage of the first half of my life. The Sana my Nani Ma taught me to be. She's always said "to get rid of your wounds, you have to heal someone else's". I wanna lead a life like hers. She till date has never cared about who the person is or what they do... she just believes in being the light to the dark. Woh humesha kehti hai k Khushiya Paayi Nhi Beeji jaati hai. Aaj se main sirf khushiyan beejugi, tension laine ka to vaise bhi faida nhi hai.. jo hona hai woh to hona hi hai. Kismat ko aap kabhi badal nhi paaoge lekin agar try krna hi chod diya toh life bohut boring ho jye gi. Is baar itni khushi baatugi k usse mudke mere paas aana hi parega. Ajj se meriya khushiya mere hath mein, is baar koi nhi cheen ske ga." I was shocked reading the few lines.. she was planning to forget all her own worries and wounds to be able to help my mom and me. How could someone be so selfless? She wanted to be our light out of the darkness without expecting anything in return. Flipping through a bunch of past pages I read about all the mishaps in her life.. how her parents didn't realize her worth or how she'd always lost the ones she loved.

But how does she spread so much love even after being broken? Isko dekh k kabhi lga hi nhi k isne yeh sab bhi dekha hoga. Sab ki help krti hai.. lekin apne liye kuch nhi maangti.

There were newspaper cuttings of her achievements and screenshots of the hate comments and dm's she'd gotten just because of her weight which caused her to hide behind the success. I read how up until last month no one even knew that she was The Shehnaaz Gill, youth icon of the year, youngest face of the companies she worked at. All of this writing was just the last 3 months of her life.. and I was stunned at how much she'd been through. Something made me believe that she'd been through much more than what she wrote down.
Hearing the clinking of cups, I rushed to put the diary back in its place and sat back up in my seat. She came back with her smile plastered to her face while the wind blew her hair. She was glowing like the moon..a subtle but beautiful glow. Her big eyes sparkled like stars spread across the darkness of her orbs. I've never believed in living angels but she was evidence to each and every doubt.