Tu Jo Mile Jindari Jannata ve Jannata...❣️ #sidnaaz

Seeking Forgiveness

I moved out to Di's house, racing to make sure we got back before she was up. The rain was still going just as hard as before. She sat in it for seemingly half an hour, the cold wind but against my skin as I panted reaching the entrance of Di's wing. I knock on the doors a few times, harder each time it wasn't answered. It swung open revealing the surprised face of my mother.

Si - "Maa.. woh Shehnaaz. Aap chalo please."

I pulled her out with me not paying any attention to what both her and Di were saying. She needed this right now. I couldn't face her after what I'd done. Not like this at least. I rush them upstairs, pausing before entering her flat. I knew I was going to get looks of disgust the immediate moment they saw her laying like that. I moved them inside standing by the door as they sat closer to her. She was asleep peacefully after the injection the doctor gave but still I feared what would happen once she was up. She wouldn't let me go just like that. Her anger had heights I yet had to see. Everyone that knew her said that if you hurt her once she simply lets you go. But I wasn't going to let that happen. If I could give her this than I also have the power to give her the love to heal from it. I wasn't going to keep myself behind the wall of my past. She'd broken into it already all she needed was a welcome, a hand to accept her into my life like she'd accepted me. Har baar yeh hi manati hai, samajhati hai lekin is baar, it's my turn. She needs me like I need her, enough was enough she was going to get the Sidharth she needed from now on. I can't put her at stake just to please my ego. My ego wasn't worth more than her. Sure it won't be easy but I had to grow out of it. I move in towards her much at the distaste of the other 2 women sitting in the room, I sit down beside her head lightly laying it against my lap.

"Karte hain hum aaj qabool kya keeje
Ho gayi thi jo humse bhool kya keeje
Dil keh raha use mayassar kar bhi aao
Wo jo dabi si aas baaki hai
Wo jo dabi si aanch baaki hai
Wo jo dabi si aanch baaki hai
Wo jo dabi si... aanch baaki hai"

Preeti - "Ab kyun aaya hai? Jaa na... apne ghar se nikal diya toh uske ghar mein aane ka bhi koi haq nhi hai tujhe."

Si - "Di please, abhi nhi. Jitna daantna ho daant lena lekin abhi nhi."

I watched as Maa shook her head moving out to get something. She came back with a bowl filled with water and a few rags, pushing them over to me. "Yeh haal tune kiya hai.. toh theek bhi tu hi kr. Uski health ko bhi aur yeh rishte ko bhi. Pehli baar life mein kuch acha huya hai. Ab tu dekh kaise sahi krega."

I nod as she leaves along with Preeti. I sat against her all night switching the rags every now and then. The anger inside me still boiling in my veins but this time for myself. My doubts, my insecurities had lead her to this position.

I wake up to her shuffling against my lap. I moved up pulling her closer. She was still asleep. I remove the layers of blankets I'd put onto her along with the rag resting against her forehead. I watched as she blinked open her eyes before looking up at me through her lashes. She looked awfully pale. Not my Shehnaaz. Her eyes showed nothing but hurt and pain that I was the reason behind. She pushed herself out of my hold, turning to face away.

Si - "Shehnaaz.. Baby? Listen"

S - "Get out, leave me alone."

Si - "Shehnaaz meri baat t-"

S - "Tune suni thi? Na tab na kal. Main toh ghumne gyi thi na. Ghumne de. Ab tujhe farak nhi parhna chahiye. Leave"

Her words were colder than ice. The gaze even colder. She was treating me the same way Asim had warned she would. Cold, distant. As If she'd already let go. I get up with a sigh moving outside her room. There's no way I'd leave but I knew she wouldn't let me stay. I'd rather move myself than let her push me even further. She was acting just like she should after the bullshit I'd spit last night. I could've listened. Let her explain why she'd done what she'd done. My anger had made me blind to the scene behind her. The building, the location, the name and even Di. I'd seen none of it. I make my way to the kitchen making a cup of tea for both her and myself. Whatever this was we could solve it later, right now her health mattered more.