To Keep Going On

79. Closure

What have you done to yourself, stupid?

Beam let out a deep, painful sigh as he reached to run his fingers down the rough, stubbled cheek of the man on the hospital bed, sleeping with an IV bag hooked up to his arm.

They'd rushed Forth in when he collapsed, all in utter shock and panicking over his condition, the ragged breathing, the dark circles around his eyes, and his heated up body.

The doctors had put him in ICU for the day, sedated him to make him sleep and hooked him up to fluids. Now that his condition was a bit stable, they moved him to a private room. They were also informed of how sleep deprived and stressed the idiot was.

Looking down at his face at the moment, Beam had a hard time even believing this was the formidable man he once fell in love with.

Beam let out a sigh, his heart filling up with such raw emotion of happiness, sorrow and pain as the memories from the past flashed through his eyes and he could not help the sob that escaped his mouth. He slapped a hand on it, trying hard to stop himself. Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why can't you just not be an idiot? Why?

They were both stuck where they'd left off, were they not? In the past, in what had already been.

It should stop. The memories were only full of pain yet, how were they to forget?

All they can do was to try and get past it and move on. To heal. And he'd been seriously thinking about what Alex had said about his mental health, he seriously considered getting help. Maybe, this idiot should do just that too.

Beam stared down at Forth's face who even being put to sleep, still had that agitation, that agony on his face. The face that was once a dream of almost everyone. He ran his fingers along the man's featured, taking them all in as if memorizing them, remembering the feeling of his skin. Beam did not know what got over him that he reached down and planted a soft, lingering kiss on the forehead of the man who'd hurt him the most.

When he looked up, he found Lam in the door, standing still and staring at him with such sadness in his eyes.

Beam straightened up and looked down. Lam sighed and walked up to him, massaging his back and looking down at his once best friend, the sadness only mounting up.

"Don't blame yourself for caring and loving him" Lam finally spoke, letting out a deep, resigned sigh and staring down at his brother. He met Beam's eyes and smiled softly. "You can't help what your heart yearns for. You just... can't..." He sighed again, and then let out a curse. "Damn this idiot!"

Beam wiped away his tears, staring down at Forth's face. "Why did it have to be him? Why still, after all this time? How messed up I have to be to love this man?"

Lam turned to stare at him. "You do? Still love him?" He asked and Beam looked down. Lam sighed. "I hate that you do. But... I also understand you. I have loved too. With every day, my love for Min just keeps increasing... its true love. True, unconditional love, I don't think you could ever fall out of such love. You can't. And seems like, no matter how cruel and messed up this fucker had been, he couldn't either" he huffed. "Damn this fucker!"

Beam blinked. Then he let out a chuckle. "Stop cursing a sick man!"

Lam sighed. "You think its true? What he told you?" He asked and suddenly, Beam's face turned gloomy again.

"You tell me, you must know his father. What reason could he possibly have to do such a thing? To me, I don't care what he did or not, but to..." His voice broke.

Lam put a hand on  Beam's shoulder. "Come, let's go out" he pulled Beam along as the two walked out of the room. He led Beam to sit on a bench.

"Why Lam? I left... I was out of Forth's life... I... she was mine... s-she... She was my baby... she was all I had... All I..." Beam sobbed and Lam squeezed his arm. Even after so many years passed, his wound and his pain were still fresh. In his heart, his daughter was still breathing.